my heart shatters

thanks but no thanks. i've lost my friends and my happiness and i'd be lost without you.

when i read this i think of you and you only

i don't know why but writing this made me smile

Of all fifty-two cards in a deck, there is one that is different. One that stands out from all the rest. That card is the king of hearts… better known as, the suicide king. For all my life I have wondered why the king of hearts was the one to kill himself. Why not the queen of spades or jack of clubs or even the king of diamonds. Why the king of hearts? Why was it he who committed suicide? I had wondered those questions and searched for their answer with no success, until I met you. The day I met you, I fell in love all over again. I fell so hard and long that when I hit the ground, I knew the answer to my question. Love. Love is so powerful. Love is more than an emotion, love controls you. The power of love can make you do crazy things. The power of love can make you crazy. It consumes you and turns you into someone you don’t know. Sometimes it makes you better… sometimes it makes you worse. Either way you can’t fight love. It is both the best and worst feeling known to man. That brings me back to my answer. Love. It is so powerful and great that when you lose it, it can kill you… or keep you alive. In my case, love kept me alive. When I met you, when I loved you, my feelings were so overloaded. You brought me happiness and handed me heartbreak. You kissed me with lies and slapped me with the truth. I felt both joy and agony because of you. You made me feel every feeling I have ever felt. You made me feel everything, and when you left I felt nothing. That immediate change of everything to nothing is different. It leaves you empty, or at least it left me empty. I was lost. I started thinking and overthinking about things I would have never considered when I had you. Until eventually I was thinking about suicide. Lost and saddened I sat there, contemplating whether to keep living in confusion and pain or to die and stop all the nothing that I had felt. I remember sitting on my torn up carpet at midnight contemplating the decision. I remember wondering who would care and who wouldn’t and if things would be better off with me dead. I swear to God i would have done it too, if it weren’t for you. I remember the reason I didn’t kill myself, it was because of love. I was thinking to myself about you. I remember thinking that I could bring you back. Just because you left, doesn’t mean you’ll always be gone. I was optimistic. Optimistic about there still being love between us. I look back and reminisce on that night a lot. I had two choices then, to stay or to go. That night love was on my side. It kept me alive. On that night I felt what it was like to be at ones worst. That was the first time in my life that I completely understood the answer to my own question. The king of hearts had committed suicide because the power of love went against him. It controlled him and drove him to the end of his days. Love ended his life. Love continued mine. The one thing I know because of that experience is that love is more than an emotion, it’s a power. So for one in every fifty-two of you out there that know how it feels to have lost the love, I hope and pray to God that it comes back to you. I know the pain and struggle of all of it and I hope none of you ever have to feel that nothing the same way I did.