random crap

Esteban Maroto — Savage Sword of Conan #1 inside-front cover illustration (1974) Source

Alfredo Alcala — Savage Sword of Conan #1 (1974) Source

so this isn’t the way. please, heed my warning. protect yourself. i am dead in every sense of the word. i can’t love again. this is worse than selling your soul. if you want to be in love and experience love, do not do this. what i’ve done, who i am on here. it will kill you. i can tell you that i am completely and utterly worthless. i am left with nothing. nothing. not even a halfhearted glance in my direction. not even memories to hold and call my own. all the ‘i love you’s and hours spent speaking with someone and pouring your soul into that person. all of it is gone, i have nothing to call my own. nothing. i was never anyone beyond my body. my dreams, my pain, my innocence, my love. it was never seen, and even when it was, it wasn’t. im in the deepest pits of grief. im in a sea of complete and utter sadness. it’s like being on point nemo in the south pacific. endless emptiness stretches beneath you yet you feel so close to the stars. so close to something special and transcendent and finally yours. but you’re in the deep. you’re forever the ocean. you will never be understood, you will never be able to love the same way again. you will truly and utterly be ruined. not in the kinky way. killed. you may have been suicidal before, you may have seen yourself as just a ‘body’ before, but inside you is a little girl who wants to love and be loved. don’t lie. she’s there. but my dear, please, once she’s dead, she’s dead. this- whatever any of this is- is not worth losing your life. your soul. please, be careful who you talk to on here. but live. live fully. forgive. feel everything as it comes. don’t shrink yourself for anyone, but also be careful about giving yourself away on here. it will kill you. it has killed me utterly. i no longer have a heart. i can’t taste feel see or hear anything the same again. the pain i feel because of the whore i let myself pose as on here is unimaginable. i am completely and utterly alone in this sea. it is the bleakest, hardest reality imaginable. even in all my pain, even as i cry and beg and say i love you so many times- im still not seen. it isn’t my name that’s etched on their lips. and how could it have been? look how i’ve presented myself on here? the body. a body. lust. nothing more.