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*taps mic* is this thing on? It’s been a while since I left you, and a lot of things have happened. I just want to preface this by saying I AM OKAY. I am not sick or injured… everything is fine. These are just some thoughts I’ve have lately.

Anyway, I have been having this weird dream, a few times a year, every year, for the past few years. Well it’s not usually exactly the same but they all have the same premise. I am back in high school or just school in general, and I just cannot focus on anything. I cannot focus on my schedule to remember to go to class, I cannot focus to remember tests and miss them. It always comes down to the end of the semester and I am set to fail and repeat the class. Then I remember that I graduated high school or graduated college and i am like “why do I need to be here? I am nearly qualified to teach the course and yet I have to retake it?”

Sometimes I see symbols in dreams and such and I keep them in my head to try and draw them later on. Tonight I tried to draw one from memory and then started adding some extra elements into it. I ultimately came up with this concept, and I want to continue working on this piece because I have some ideas of extra symbolism I could add to it.

But, sometimes I draw to not necessarily get what is in my mind on paper, but I draw to help settle my thoughts. Hard to explain, but I have been having these thoughts on failure and regret lately. I tag all my posts as #trans and #mtf so everyone knows what I am, but I started transitioning really late in life, or at least that’s what it feels like. I started when I was 28, about four months before I turned 29, and I was not lucky with my genetics much at all, like I started losing my hair when I was 19, I keep weight on like nobody’s business. It is just really hard sometimes, and I am not trying to make a depressing post. I just feel like, maybe I should be more open with my struggles because I know I feel good when I see an internet stranger talk about a problem I resonate with, because it makes me feel less alone, and I always wish I could find more mtf girls who talk about issues with like hair insecurity and concerns, so why not be the change I want to see in the world? Because I know it sounds silly, but I so wish I could have at least shoulder length hair. I feel like it would help me pass more (I know passing is a double edge sword but come on… it would make me happy), but my hair on the top of my scalp is so damn thin, it would be obvious and not look good. My hair has gotten so much better on HRT tho and I am grateful but I am coming up on a year of HRT, and Idk if it will get better than this, and that thought scares me, legit petrifies me, because if I cannot have the hair I want… I mean there are multitudes of benefits to HRT besides physical, I am the first to say that I cannot ever see myself with high testosterone again, but I am so close to something I want, and I just don’t know if I can ever realistically reach that finish line, like do you know how expensive a hair transplant is? That is not realistic for me, Idk if it ever will.

A while ago, I had a dream where these little men in gold armor were standing on my bed, I called them “moon guardians” and I have been thinking about them off and on since, and tonight I just wanted to get something on paper. Ironically enough, the shade I used for the gold armor is called “sunlight.”

Rant:

Tonight I tried to get “better” at drawing, I have always loved it, but sucked at it.

Even when I was in middle school I was pretty much told I sucked at drawing by my teacher, which made me scared to take art in high school. One day I will rant more about how drawing correlates to joy in my life, but that is a later topic.