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Today is day 2 of the cruise.

Yesterday we had breakfast at the hotel and then took an Uber to check in to the ship. From the start, we had excellent service, being escorted, asked to wait in loungers rather than waiting in lines lol. The suite is amazing. More like a regular hotel room than what you’d think was on a ship!

All our food and drink on the ship is included. Speedy took my wallet and passport and put them in the safe lol.

All the staff are so helpful and nice. The ship is just beautiful, the food has been really great.

We walked around the ship and saw all the major places. Had lunch at the Luminae. Then I feel like I napped right before the ship took off at 4.

We laid out on lounge chairs as the ship took off. Visually seeing the water and buildings moving as we passed by did make me a tad dizzy. Then when the sun was setting and there were bright lights I started getting a tad more dizzy so I took the smaller dose Dramamine. We walked around the track, had a snack I think, saw a Rebel rock show, ate dinner, had another snack and dessert.

This morning we got up to see the sunrise, walked the track with our coffee and have just been lounging this morning in the sun ☀️

Have a facial later lol. Such a great time so far!

We made it there and back again! Arrived home on the night of 12/5.

Ugh the way back was "eventful" and not in a good way. But overall, I'm just happy we all made it back safe and sound.

We left Sunday again. First stop in ABQ at the same hotel we stayed at. It was funny cause Nugget remembered the first room we stayed in and kept stopping at that door lol.

Second stop was in Wichita, new place this time. On the way, with only 90 minutes to go, we stopped for gas and bathroom breaks. and i hit a freaking divider pole. UGH and damaged the rental car door. Oops. I haven't damaged in a car in like 15+ years and of course now i do. in all fairness to me, the pump spot was abnormally long and i'm not used to driving such a huge car. didn't even see it!

Then, after we get going the next day... with our next stop as home.... i get my VERY FIRST SPEEDING TICKET OF MY LIFE in Kansas. Ugh. LOL. The cop was nice. But i think i got caught in a trap lol. there was a plane circling round. i was doing 80 in a 70 zone which in reality isn't even that gross of a speeding overage right? but i really thought it was 75. the cop said it had changed like a mile or 2 before he had pulled me over. i think it was cause i had colorado plates. but my coworker said that Kansas was the worst state to drive through, so i'm guessing they are in general tough!

so yeah, damaged the car and got a speeding ticket lol. then of course after that i didn't go more than 3 miles over the speed limit the rest of the way home lol.

but we're back. man the house was SO DUSTY it felt hard to breathe. it's weird what we were so used to! i ordered a different kind of kitty litter for my next amazon delivery.

oh, i didn't mention what happened since my last entry.

Nugget got a hold of Noodle! she's alive and has 13 staples. no deep punctures, it was really just skin damage :( and she was limping on her leg. 418 +50 + her next visit vet costs.... i'm just so happy she's ok and that i insisted on taking her in. if she died i would have felt like i could never show my face over there ever again!

there was a toilet incident! i guess leo didn't notice that the last time she was over she used the toilet and it kept running.... so i got a water text alert saying that we had used like 3300 gallons in the last 24 hours and there was a possible leak. FREAKED OUT! luckily leo was going by the house that day i got the text anyways and she went there and found the issue. no biggie and i don't think it will actually affect my bill much.

anyways, my car insurance and the rental agency are working on the claim now. may have to pay my 1000 deductible instead of the 350 bucks insurance i think they were offering me lol.

and now a 150 speeding ticket.

this trip was a bit expensive lol. but being there for thanksgiving and to celebrate my mom's birthday was worth it i think :)

now i'm still thinking - do i want to move to AZ? kind of...

We survived the road trip to get to my sisters. It took three days lol but me, my mom, nugget and Tortie made the voyage. The rental suv we got was pretty sweet!

Nugget is just having an adventure and such a good time. And I’m so happy to have him with me. But then I feel such guilt and sadness that the only reason we’re able to do this is because Stella isn’t here. I miss my baby girl so much.

Weds we all, whole fam and dogs too, headed out to a lake and went on a pontoon boat. It was a gorgeous day and a ton of fun. Thursday was of course thanksgiving, but in the morning my sister and her hubby and me and the pups went on a short hike. Then we made dinner, ate, played a few games and then watched national lampoons Christmas movie lol. It’s a tradition I guess.

Nugget was having so much fun. I think how lucky he is to be here. How she would have loved everything too. But then I wonder how she would have gotten along with Georgia. How she’d have done at the trail. How she’d have done on the boat. How I’d have been able to handle 25 pounds more than Nugget and also him. But maybe she would have been totally fine here. Or maybe I wouldn’t have been here at all because I wouldn’t have thought that life is short and family is important because I was grieving her loss. But why was her life needed to trade for this understanding? :(

Leo is going by my house literally every other day so far to visit the kitties. Becca hides and doesn’t really come out :(. She’s gonna be so mad at me!

I’m so lucky she’s there to do this for me.

Nephew is here till Sunday. Girls are growing up still. It’s nuts to see they are both taller than me! They are kind of typical growing teenagers though, so kind of annoying and I’m wondering if we were as bad or what. The older daughter has a bit less attitude so I like her a bit better.

The tortoises met each other and Tiny was scared lol. Torti is a bit bigger than her lol. Tortie was curious.

The last leg of driving took us though a forest on some winding road that brought us down from 7700 elevation and green pines down to about 2500 elevation and desert and saguaro cactuses. It was an amazing drive.

Happy Halloween! I dug through the Rubbermaid bin full of Halloween costumes this morning. I put Nugget in a few of Cocoa’s old costumes and he totally just let me, like the super sweet boy that he is. Most were too big on him cause he’s quite smaller in size than Cocoa was. But now I know he can be my costume buddy for going fwd. The holiday just wasn’t the same for me since Cocoa passed. Nugget brought a little bit of joy back.

I actually bought candy this year and only one family rang the bell lol. Oh well! It was cold and there was freakish snow, so I don’t blame the kids for not being out. I also don’t have any decorations out lol. That never stopped them from ringing the bell before though so I dunno.

I still have random bouts of crying over my lost baby girl Stella. All I do is tell her I miss her and love her and that I’m so sorry.

This past weekend was Leo’s wedding. It was such a beautiful venue and soooo unique. Everything was gorgeous. Including me! lol with hair and makeup done I never felt so pretty it was so fun. Think I felt pretty svelte lol. When I’d see myself in the mirror I just thought, who is this?!? lol.

I almost started bawling when she walked in to the twilight song lol. (A thousand years - Christina Perri). I was just soooooo happy for her.

I stayed till the end lol didn’t get to sleep till probably 3 am or so. I’m shocked I lasted that long. I didn’t really know anyone except the coworkers that were invited so I hung out with them as much as possible lol

I wish every happiness for the couple!

Then I had to go to a church group thing with n Sunday, surviving off 4.5 hours of sleep lol. Didn’t get home til 3 pm. It was good, just so tired. And I’m not sure why I can’t stand the thought of someone I don’t know praying for me. Asking someone I don’t know to pray for me is odd. It made me want to cry, wondering why I felt like I couldn’t. Because why? I don’t feel worthy? Because I feel lost? And I’d want to ask them to pray for me to not feel broken anymore?

Ugh, more crying. All while nugget is snuggled up to me trying to sleep. I know dogs can sense our emotions. He must know I am a mess.

The other week I woke up in the middle of the night. Looked at my Apple Watch and on the sleep screen all I could see was a big 22 for the date and the 2:22. I thought I was dreaming so I tapped my watch again and it said the same. So odd. I looked it up and read about angel numbers. Five twos had a few google hits all of different meanings. I guess in supposed to take it as I will.

I’m signed up for the marathon for next year, again with team rmhc. Speedy is registered also, since she deferred her bib due to injury clause. My running buddy also joined the charity instead of trying the lottery. He needs a name, hmm. I’m actually doing the distance series. My goal is simple - to not hit the wall and to get a better time.

Almost my birthday. Another day for me to be sad. Scorpio vibes lol

I forgot to say, Nugget finally started to play again a few weeks ago. He likes to go “fetch” the red frisbee. He’ll go chase it and run back with it all giddy. But he won’t bring it to me, he’ll just lay down and try to chew it lol. He also will play with a couple squeaky toys now and then.

Skizz is all better!

I got the original company who installed my roof to come out and their repair quote was the lowest. All fixed and hopefully no more issues!

The marathon is done and dusted! I finished in just about the time I thought I could do! It was an amazing experience and I’m going to do it again next year lol.

Friday we went to the expo in the morning. Soooo many people! Then Friday night we went to peloton game night. It was so amazing to meet Susie and be near the other instructors! Saturday morning I did my shakeout run with Nugget around the neighborhood. Then headed downtown after lunch to the hotel Speedy was at. Got my stuff ready and then we walked down to the pasta dinner for team rmhc.

It was so great to be part of team rmhc. I don’t think running the marathon without the charity perks would have been as fun.

Cancer and speedy cheered me on at several points along the route, it was so great! I thought it might be weird but it really was a pick me up. I also saw one of my old coworkers on charity row.

The night before I got shit sleep because there were so many sirens going off downtown. Every hour basically. My alarm was set for 415 so I had enough time to wake up and let the plumbing work its way through. It all worked out lol. Uber picked us up at 540 to get down towards grant park. Somewhere along the way I lose the bottle I had with pre measured Gatorade powder :(. It was my curved flip belt 12 oz bottle.

The hospitality tent was awesome. Kept us warm, had all sorts of food, 30 portas of our own to use lol. The day itself was perfect for running a marathon! Cool and overcast.

I was amazed at the sheer number of people running. All the sweats thrown to the side in the corrals! All the gel packs and cups on the floor. All the volunteers and spectators! Nuts!

It was super cool to run through all the neighborhoods. I think my favorite are was Pilsen actually. Such energy!

I had some technical issues with my Bluetooth I need to figure out. My phone battery nearly died so I actually turned off my music to conserve power. Running without music is the pits for me. I kept hoping for the next dj station to help provide me with a beat.

After mile 20 my pace kept slowing and slowing as my muscles decided they didn’t exist anymore. Except for my back and the back of my arms which made themselves known when they decided to cramp up like crazy around mile 23 after a porta stop.

I gave up on my 5/1 intervals at about mile 22 because stopping and starting was getting too hard to do. Just pushed it slowly to the end!

Cancer and speedy were right at the final curve before mount roosevelt and it was a great lift! After the hill it was all downhill to the finish.

It was the longest walk from the finish back to the rmhc tent. My right knee and ankle were talking to me. My legs said you should just stop here lol nit you had to keep going.

We ate in the tent and then made our way back to the hotel. Speedy haggled with a rickshaw (is that what they’re called?) bike guy to get us back lol

Iced my feet. They got me a finisher shirt and jacket as presents :) rested at the hotel a bit and then drove home!

I was invited to do a program at my church called alpha. It’s been interesting to attend and meet other parishioners.

I still miss my Stella so much. My brain can’t seem to comprehend the fact that her sweet soul was here with me one minute and the gone the next. All because I turned my back. Her unique personality, playfulness, stubbornness, anxiousness, cuddly, independent self is just gone. My baby girl. How did this happen?

Ok so at the vet they drained an abscess off Skizz gave him a shot of antibiotics and more for me to give him. I have to bring him in for a recheck Monday or Tuesday. I think the vet may have thought it came from the tooth that was extracted? I’m hopeful it’s not cancer and he’ll be fixed after this is healed. It was a total blessing, he didn’t charge me anything. I don’t know if it’s because it was due to the extraction they did two weeks prior, because I’m a long time customer, or because I offhand mentioned all the crap that’s hit this month (washer dying, leak in my ceiling) Becca having e coli last month plus they remember the tragedy with Stella. But it was a blessing and I’m so grateful for his kindness.

I want to bring them some treats.

The roof though ugh. The guy who came out to assess kind of had the same thoughts as the guy from Weds. So that makes me think they are on point with each other. However he talked more about how it’s possible they didn’t do a great job with the installation and nail placement and therefore that’s where the water is coming in and why it’s been a “slow leak” (10 years later). The first guy also mentioned this was a possibility.

Anyways he’s working on the quotes this weekend and I’ll see how it compares.

This brings up thoughts of what do I want to invest in this house? Is this my forever home? And if it’s not, what steps do I take to find my forever home?

Do I want to leave this town? This state? Where would I go? My town actually comes up in the top 12 of most affordable towns in my state. Where could I afford? Where would I want to go? I don’t think I want to move SW towards my sister. With global warming why would I want to move to a desert???

Ok so today I noticed Skiz has a huge lump under his chin. It’s on both sides, bigger on the right side. It doesn’t seem emergency vet trip time but definitely first thing tomorrow.

What is going on? I know there are a bunch of planets in retrograde but seriously? I lose Stella. Becca gets E.coli. Skizz has two rotten teeth pulled. Washing machine dies. Leak in the ceiling.

First quote completed today, not too crazy. I was thinking of just taking it but everyone says that it’s better to have more quotes to be sure.

What Karma is out there trying to get me? I had a weird thought of what if I’m going to die so God is taking my pets so it’ll be less of a burden. Or what if things related to the ex are just tainted with some bad juju that’s trying to get me.

Is he out there hating me and directing this at me? Or does he not care about me at all and this is my own doing for my part in our marriage failing?

I try to be a good person. I try not to lie or cheat or do bad things. Now I’m trying to rationalize the chaos of the universe. The planets are in retrograde. What does that even mean?

Time passes.

Today I completed my 20 miler at the Fox Valley Fall Final 20. it felt way better than my 18 miler because it was mostly flat compared to the trail i've been using to train on my long runs. the amount of hills on that trail is so tough, but it's great for my training since anything flatter seems so much easier! Taper time until Chicago on Oct 8th. Got the "race day" experience too with all the people running and people along the way. Not as many as probably there usually is since it RAINED THE WHOLE TIME. ugh. oh and i slipped on the mud and got my shoes all dirty :( i'm sure that trail is absolutely lovely on a normal day. But i'd rather have the cool weather + rain than 90+ and sun.

it was great to complete this run and get the confidence that Yeah, i really can complete 26.2. Cool!

When i got home there was a bucket in the kitchen though.... we had a leak, wtf life really what else are you going to throw my way. so, gotta figure out about roof repair or figure out what the heck is going on with that. I found the old contract, our roof was put in July 2013. It's only been 10 years!

i've had a bunch of dreams i didn't get to document. Some odd, some good. I had one where Cocoa visited me, made me so happy. I don't really know where I was, i just remember he was running along with some other dogs. And then I called him back and he came running, tail wagging. And i just hugged him and hugged him. It was a dream where I didn't realize that i was dreaming like I usually do. Oh I just miss him so much, too. And then the next day a FB memory came up that it was the anniversary of my losing him. Made total sense he visited me then. Ugh i just started bawling thinking about this dream. I was so happy to hug him and hold him. And he was totally healthy and happy and i miss his fuzzy tail and long hair wagging and him smiling.

I've had a couple that had the ex in it. I try not to remember those. I had one weird one where someone stole my apple watch right off my wrist, lol, and i used the "find my" feature and found them and then they were running away from me and it was an odd chase sequence lol. Becca woke me up and i didn't get to see if I would get it back lol.

I still miss my Stella girl. On what would have been her 4th birthday, I finally made a post on my social about her. I didn't want to for a long while because then it would be real. Of course those people closest to me and who work with me knew, but to other people, they could have imagined that we were all fine. I still imagine that in many parallel universes we are. She's still with me though in my heart, always.

Thought I had that I don’t want to forget - never gamble on things that are precious to you. I gambled and lost. If you realize how precious the ones/things you love are, you would never gamble against their safety and well-being ever.

It’s been a rough few days.

Last week Cancer visited me and we had lunch. She brought me a painting she found at some random store the day after Stella passed. It looked just like her and had her smile.

Then later that day I got a surprise package. It was a pillow. My coworker km sent it to me. It says “when you miss me have no fear, hug this pillow and know I’m here”. And there’s a picture of Stella as a puppy and it has her name in a heart shaped paw print.

I love being able to hug that pillow. And the kindness people have shown me has really been overwhelming.

My phone has the setting on that rotates through landscape scenes and pet photos i have. I notice when I see any of my other pets I look at their faces with a fond happiness. When I see Stella's I don't feel that same peace. And that's because every other fur baby i've lost has been to sickness. Which means they were "ready" to go, to release the suffering and sickness.

but not for Stella, she had countless years in front of her. Except for my mistakes. I feel like i'm fine for a lot of the time and then suddenly i'm bawling. but, i guess it's good to feel the pain. someone's reels were just telling me that she gets through all the tragedies and trials in her life because she actually lets herself feel them. I think that's the opposite of what i usually do. Usually i ignore, i avoid, i busy myself to not think about whatever it is.

I didn't cry this much over my my failed marriage. but maybe i should have.

so much terrible stuff happened i didn't even get to write about any of the good stuff that happened prior. Leo's Bachelorette party weekend. Marathon training going good and actually running with my old friend.

i had Taylor Swift on repeat a bunch today, all the posts about people going to her Eras tour puts her in my mind lol. I can't wait till this tour shows up on netflix lol. though since she's touring in 2024 still, who knows when that will happen now :( I was lucky to get to see her Reputation tour.

Anyways this song came on and the Lyrics made me cry for obvious reasons, though I'm sure they meant something else to her when she wrote them

Taylor Swift - Bigger than the Whole Sky:

Stella’s ashes finally came back yesterday and she is home.  I was beginning to really worry as it was almost 2 weeks.  I don’t recall it ever having taken that long.  I set the box on the couch for a little bit.  Then, when I was watching TV I moved the little dog shaped house on the floor by the steps.  Before eating dinner and after, Nugget went to lay down next to it.  it isn’t a spot he normally lays down at ever.  which made me really sad but also filled with wonder.  does he know?  does he really know what that little box is?  Or, was he just wondering what the odd thing mom put in an odd spot was and checking it out?  I’ll never know i guess, but i know what my heart wants to believe.

I finally dreamed of her last night.  Nothing big, we were just walking together in the sun and she was sniffing in the grass, like her normal happy self.  

her little box has her name on it, “I Love You Forever” and then her years of life 2019-2023.  There’s spot on it for a picture.  I still have to go through my pictures and put in an order.

i remember an article i read talking about how grief from a loss opens up grief from previous losses.  I do find that to be true as I think back to the other babies of mine i have lost.  

Every day is a new first without her. And every day it hurts. Nugget is always looking for her. He used to go out and pee so fast and back in and now he is sniffing everywhere looking for her. My mom had said she had taken him out and he brought her to the corner at the intersection where she died and just sniffed and sniffed. He did the same to me yesterday evening. It was the first time I even let myself walk near that spot.

I threw two toys out of the bin the other day and he didn’t know what to do with them. He’d always played toys with Stella. They’d chew their bones side by sides. They’d tug and chase. So that made me very sad. But then last night he played a little by himself and that warmed my heart a little.

I can’t use the backseat of my car behind me. That’s where she was.

Stella I miss you so much. I miss the way you’d always find a way to lean on me and cuddle with me. Plopping all 57 pounds down next to me was so comforting. I never felt alone. I always felt loved and protected with you. My stubborn and silly girl. So afraid of fireworks and booms. Barking at people walking by and deliveries. Leaning your head on my lap. Squishing yourself onto the couch next to me. Leaning your head on me when I was working to get my attention. Ringing the bell to go out. Cuddling with the kitties, especially Alley. Playing chase and hide and seek with me and my mom from the hallway to the living room hallway. Having happy walks. Having bad walks where you were pulling so hard trying to “get” or scare away dogs across the street. Being so scared of the garbage truck when you were a baby. Laying on your back with your legs up in the air. Letting me rub your belly. Laying by me like a good girl while I ran on the treadmill. Going for little jogs. Wearing your harness. Wearing your winter coats. Slapping your paws down when you wanted to play. Your long happy tail, so expressive and it had the little white tip at the end. The white tipped back feet. Your frito paws. The delicious smell of you from when you were a baby, how I could still smell it on you faintly even when you were a big girl already. How you’d bite your own nails so I never had to get them trimmed hardly. How you hated to have me trim them. Your little white patch under your chin that made people think maybe you were older. Your funny hound mouth, slightly saggy jowls. Your super soft floppy ears. The way your brown fur glistened in the sun. The way your fur would trap heat from the sun so fast, just like mommas dark hair. The way you’d tried to eat grass. The way you were so kind and playful with nugget and Roger. The way you loved chicken and fish skin and deli meat and treats. The way you’d chew your bone like a good girl and keep your teeth so clean. The big sigh you’d give every now and then. Your snoring and sleeping so deeply. Your dreaming. The way you got sick and drooly in the car but seemed to grow out of it. The way you were nervous around strangers. Your bark and your howl and the “growly talk” you’d do sometimes. The way you’d sit and watch out the window. Your zoomies running around and around the living room. The way you looked so happy when I’d pet your face and ears. Our morning routine of good morning, did you have a good sleep? Did you have good dreams? Are you ready to start the day? How you would follow me everywhere unless there were fireworks and you were scared. How you’d sit on the ottoman downstairs while I ran. How you’d snoot people in the butt lol. Your skinny legs and the way you’d trot on our walks. The way your body swayed on walks. Your funny pink armpit patches. You loved to sniff and pee places to leave messages. Your brown eyes and sweet smile and the way I could feel your heart beat when you were laying on me.

Oh Stella I miss you so much and would give anything to go back in time and you’d still be with me. And nugget would still have his big sister. And we’d be together for another decade or more, happy and loved. If there is such a thing as a multiverse I hope there are many where we are still together and happy. I love you and I’m so sorry. You are my baby, my baby girl.

The running list in my head of everything that could have been different, therefore resulting in her still being with me.

1 . I ignored them and made them stay inside

2. It was not a landscaping day, so the tethers would have been out and used. The hose would not need to be put away

3. I had hit snooze one more time and changed the timing of when I would have went outside

4. If it was not a rest day, I would have been out running and baby would be safe

5. If I had just waited for my coffee inside or decided to start working early

6. If the toys were out and they were playing with them and distracted instead of following me to the kitchen to ask to go out

7. If I just dragged the hose over very messy, they wouldn’t have been out of sight

8. If I had been playing with them they would have been focused on that instead of hearing a dog going by

9. If I was not a shit mother who let her dogs go out without a leash without being well trained

10. If I was not a shit mother who let her dogs go out without a fully fenced yard

11. If I had not decided to foster or adopt another dog she would not have been off leash

12. If I had just been grateful with what I had and not adopted another dog we’d have shared our long lives together. She might have been a little bored but alive.

13. I could have worked harder to play with her myself and not adopted another dog.

14. If I hadn’t blocked a way to the neighbors backyard, maybe she would have ran there instead of towards the street

15. What if she was wearing her harness maybe the truck would have seen her sooner to react

16. What if I had the retractable leash on her so she could run around but wasn’t loose

17. I decided to water the plants in the evening instead

Yesterday my heart was broken.

I turned my back for just a few minutes and the pups took off running. In retrospect I think it might have been because someone was walking their dog and they wanted to go harrass it cause they were jerks when they were together.

I turned my back and it was too quiet and then there was a screech of breaks and it was too quiet. Then I called out for Stella and I call out for Nugget and neither of them are there.

I call out again and Nugget comes back, running alone. And that’s when I panic. I threw him in the door and run up my driveway.

And there are people pulled over and standing there and there’s a man holding his dog in his arms. And there is my baby girl in the intersection. I ran over to her and she was so still and her eyes were so wide.

I’m panicking and panicking and I’m in the middle of the road and I can’t leave her because she’s in the road what if someone else hits her.

A policeman came and he blocks the road and I ask him to stay so I can get my car and he does and I run back to the house yell to my mom that Stella has been hit by a car. I hear her wail and I grab my purse and run out the door and I drive the short distance to the corner.

And the cop is standing by her his car is blocking and I run back and look down and in that instant I knew she was gone. She was already gone.

I get a blanket from the car and he helps me to carry her. We put her in my back seat and then I walk over to the waiting people standing there.

It was my a truck for my village maintenance department. Two young men in maybe their twenties stand there so sad. They say their condolences and that she came out of nowhere and they couldn’t do anything. I tell them i understand they didn’t mean it, it was accident I’m sorry this happened to them, it’s my fault.

And then I ask the cop if it’s ok if I just drive in reverse back to my house.

I reverse into my driveway, open the back door and then just start wailing from the bottom of my soul. My baby girl. My baby girl was gone.

And it’s my fault. We were only supposed to be out a few minutes. They wanted to come out to play. I settled coffee to brew and went out on the back with them. Let them chase each other and wrestle. The tethers I put away because the lawn people were coming. I needed to put the hose away cause they were coming. And that it when I turned my back. And then she was gone.

I sat crying with her there for over two hours. My baby, who was always with me, always here. Never let me feel alone, even when the ex left. She was always there to cuddle with me, make me feel safe and loved. Every nap, every sleep, every day of the nearly last four years she was with me. And now, she’s gone. And there’s a missing lean on me of comfort. Her head isn’t on my legs or on my lap or on my shoulder. I’ll never hear her bark, never see her play. Nugget and her won’t grow old together. She won’t be waiting for me when I get out of the shower. She won’t be waiting at the door when I get back from running or errands. She won’t be here to take a picture with me in front of the Christmas tree.

I spoke to my friends and my sister and my mom was also there. They listened to my heartbreaking cries and reassure me. All I can think about is just one decision one single decision that I could have made differently and that she’d be here. I could have hit snooze one more time. I could have worked out. I could have kept them inside when I went out. I could have started working instead of going outside. I could have not lost sight of them.

It just plays in my mind on repeat. Knowing it was my fault, I could have prevented this. And I have to live with that the rest of my life. That my precious, pure, loving, happy baby girl is gone now when she should be right here, snuggling with me on the couch. Wrestling with Nugget. Cuddled up in her bed.

Why did she run away? Why did she leave me?

The one small thing I hold onto is that she was zooming away, her best friend at her side, and they were being crazy happy doggies together. That her last moments were quick and hopefully not too painful. If she had been crying in pain and suffering when I got there I would not have been able to take it. But I would have given my whole life’s savings and credit limits to pay for her to be well. I don’t know what I would trade of myself to have her here…. But I’m going to say it would be nearly anything.

I let nugget sit with her and me for a little bit, before the sun made him too hot. He sniffed her a bit and tried to jump in the car, but I didn’t want him to step on her. Ppl said to let him see her so he can say goodbye. Today he was sniffing at my car door, the side that she was on. I don’t think he understands and he misses her. Wonders where she went.

I tried to breathe her scent in. Pet her head, felt unique grooves of her brow, the velvety smooth softness of her floppy ears. I put my arms around her and held her paws and whispered my grief and love and apologies to her. I hope she can forgive me. The way she was set in my car, her paws were up a bit my her nose, like she’d do sometimes when sleeping.

She was my baby girl, my heart, my protector, my companion, my best friend, Nuggets big sister, and the kitties supervisor, beggar for whenever my mom would eat chicken, howler at doggies walking by, sweet loving soul of a baby dog. And she left me too soon.

My mom was there for me and trying to make sure I drank and ate a bit. She sat with Stella when I had to run in to pee because I didn’t want her to be alone. When the vet finally opened she went with me to bring her in. They were so kind. And my mom rubbed my back and was there for me while I cried.

Then Leo came to be with me yesterday morning after I got back from the vet. I told her she didn’t have to come but she did. Speedy told her to. She kept me company a bit and made sure I ate a good lunch. I would not have moved from my bed otherwise.

After she left it all just replayed over and over when I wasn’t looking at pictures or videos of Stella and crying. Later I saw my phone had been giving me heart rate and noise notifications. The noise could only have been me, wailing.

My friends, family, and coworkers compassion and kindness have been so wonderful. I’ve cried so many tears alone or in conversations with them. I got flowers and a huge gift card from my work friends. The vet sent me a flower arrangement in the shape of a Angel puppy with wings.

Every fur baby I’ve lost has been from a long sickness. You know it’s coming, you have your mind accepting the reality along the way. Not like this, not in the blink of an eye like this. It will be devastating either way, but now I’m also just in shock.

Treasure every moment. We all have heard this, but never have I felt it more. I hope she knows her momma loved her so much. I hope she’s here with me now in spirit, just watching over me. I hope she’s waiting for me with all my other loves. May God watch over her until we are reunited.

Last night was the first without her. Today we had our first morning walk and meals without her. My first shower and workday and dinner without her. Nugget is just laying and sleeping most of the day. I think he’s grieving too.

Ok we’ll base training complete and we are in the middle of week three of official marathon training. Run days M, T, H, S.

No interviews and I feel like the number of good job postings has reduced dramatically. And I’ve got 4 projects going at the same time as work, so it’s like their evil plan to keep me so busy and frazzled I don’t have time to look for a job?

On a positive note, I got a decent sized bonus, the first really nice one since like I dunno, 2020? I’ll finally make more money than last year for the first time in like three years. Depressing. But hopefully on a good trend upwards starting now.

No time or interest to be swiping right on anyone. I peek in on it for a giggle now and then. Lots of swipe lefts lol.

I got a piece of junk mail that really made me wonder. It was someone saying they would buy my house as is. That made me think, if I got enough for the house to pay off the mortgage and the loan I took out to renovate the basement, I could go live “somewhere else”.

But where would that somewhere else be?

I feel like most people make moving decisions based on job or family. My job will let me work anywhere so that’s not a factor. My family is so small. My mom would stay with me. My dad has his own family and I see him like 3 times a year so he’s not really a factor. My sister lives in AZ and I don’t think I want to move to the desert. It’s freaking too hot most of the time and I’d miss grass and trees. Plus with global warming, south really isn’t the direction to go I feel lol. They might run out of water or catch fire or whatever.

So then what does that mean? If I don’t want to go anywhere, where would I go?

Where could I afford as much space and be near the same comforts as I have now? (Lots of stores, restaurants, variety). I couldn’t afford a house back up north in the suburbs I grew up in now lol. I don’t really want to move to the city. You can get a lot of house in farther places, but then when would anyone visit me? And the more remote means the less diverse and I don’t need to be seen as “other”.

And my home feels like home, but I’m not sure if it’s just cause I’m too lazy or afraid of change or it really is where I belong. It’s not nice or updated. Fixing it up would be a lot more money I don’t have. The ex chose this house. He’ll always have known it and possibly know where to find me if I stayed. But I shouldn’t give a shit about that either way. And I kind of don’t.

Do I stay because I don’t know where to go? How would I choose where to go? In a time when I could live anywhere I could afford- how would I even know what places are out there I should consider? There could be a perfect small house in Idaho for all I know. But how do I choose a place to even look?

Near good health care. Near an airport. Where I feel safe running outside in the neighborhood. Where I have a lawn and yard for the dogs. Where it doesn’t flood. Where there is good diversity of people and food options. Close to good shopping. I’d love to live near water.

None of that actually helps me lol. Still lost as ever.

Can’t believe so much time has passed between posts. I really enjoy Hogwarts Legacy, no matter how much that puts me on a “canceled” list. Ted Lasso was amazing. Mandalorian season 3 ending was just so good. I got the new Kim Harrison book, started it on audible and have the hardcover on standby.

Just like that it’s shorts and tshirt weather.

It’s been a while since my last post. I decided to foster fail. Nugget is just the sweetest and gets along perfectly with the cats. They aren’t afraid of him at all and they can even sleep next to him. It’s been fun to see him integrate into the family. Last weekend we actually went to lake Katherine with him for the first time.

Easter choir performance went pretty well. The time flew and I’m hoping we sounded decent lol. It was nice to see the church packed for Easter services. I am happy that Lent has ended. It was just so much church time. Sooooooo much. But it was fun to sing and also to wear a dress. Wearing clothes that aren’t joggers or old tshirts is just so novel lol.

Haven’t landed any interviews and I feel like the job pool of places to apply at is drying up. I will keep trying.

So next week the base training for the marathon starts. Which means from Monday to October 8 I’ll be freaking training. It’s a little crazy to think that for the next 5.5 months I’ll be preparing for one singular event lol. Not gonna lie, I do think- wait why am I doing this again? lol

Did I ever journal about the smash boob? Fing mammogram, got one for the first time. Wasn’t bad then. But then I had to go for a second one cause something looked “questionable” and that was freaking painful. And then after that I had to get an ultrasound which didn’t really show anything but now I have to go back in 6 months for more torture for a recheck.

I got my tetanus booster, tdap? I dunno whatever it’s called and a few days later the muscle in my arm wouldn’t stop twitching. Got bad enough I reached out for my doctor, but then of course it started to subside. I guess the muscle in the arm that got the shot got inflamed or I dunno.

I also have a high amount of whatever thing in your blood that indicates inflammation. That’s two tests in a row with that. Everything else was fine. My doctor was saying she thinks if I actually changed my diet that it could go away.

But I don’t want to be gluten free lol. Dairy I already swap most out but leave me my damn bread and pastries. It was like wheat, gluten and soy and dairy that came up on my food sensitivity test. Meh. Meh ugh. She said i might even be able to get off my daily allergy pill. Bahhh

Haven’t really had any time or interest to try out the stupid dating scene. I’d rather get a new job. Then with marathon training I really won’t have any extra time anyways so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have so much stuff and I want to get rid of it. I want a new desk. I need a new office chair.

Nugget sleeping on the same bed as evil cat. 🥰

finally finished an updated version of my resume.  sent it to two friends to check it out for edits and then i think i’m ready to begin applying again!

today i’m going to a baby shower for an old friend of mine.  she’s a year older and this is her first kid.  i’m happy for her!  it will be weird going to a gathering though, i’m not sure i will know many people there.  i am also not looking forward to to talking to anyone where they’ll ask “do you have any kids? oh you don’t?” and then immediately look pitifully at me.  sorry lady, kids aren’t for everyone and i don’t need your condescending attitude.  Well, i dunno if anyone will be like that, lol, let’s hope not.

my nails are a mess as i decided to save a buck and do them myself lol.

little foster pup is getting along well in the house.  he sleeps at the side of the bed.  he listens to “no” very well.  we walks well on the leash.  i walked stella and him together this morning and there was another person out walking their dog.  as expected, stella lost her shit, but he did not.  and when i was reprimanding stella with no’s he would sit and stare up at me lol.   i think he was definitely someone’s pet and that makes me sad.  someone lost him or couldn’t afford him and he ended up at the shelter and trucked up to IL from KY.  

the only thing that’s annoying is that he doesn’t like to be left alone.  he will whine and cry.  stella’s like you can stay down here by yourself i’m gonna go sleep on the couch to wait lol.  if she would stay downstairs with him, he *might* be quiet, but who knows.

i am very much considering keeping him and foster failing on this one.

i joined the church choir and we had our first practice this past monday.  uh you just had to volunteer and show up lol there was no tryout :)  there were a couple people who couldn’t make the practice, but it was literally 3 people who are/have been a cantor and 3 of us who have not lol.  4 women and 2 of them have been cantors lol.  i am singing an alto part and it hurts my brain a little to do it, but i love harmonizing.  the other lady singing alto with me is not so good, she’s sometimes not at all even singing what she’s supposed to be singing lol.  but, it was the first day and who knows maybe practicing at home she will get better.

my face is still recovering from the two weekends out in a row drinking.  there is a reason i don’t really drink - i am vain lol.  i’d rather not break out and have to deal with makeup and feeling like i look like trash.

oh a funny work story i want to document so i can laugh about it later.  my boss says oh i do have something hr related to talk to you about.  so&so reached out about taking out a 401k loan but they are maxed out and can’t take anymore.  if we had a bonus pool, would this person be someone you’d be giving a bonus?   it sounds like they want to take out money because of a wedding.  

UGH.  i was like - that is not something i need to know.  whether or not someone is in financial hardship or needs a 401k loan should not be in my mind when i’m trying to decide who would get bonuses and who would not.  i am wiping this out of my mind and i wish you didn’t tell me.  there are other people out there who might need money and maybe they just don’t say anything.  knowing this shouldn’t be part of the decision.

and then my boss proceeds to act offended and get mad at me.  cause HE is just trying to look out and take care of all his employees.  he won’t share this type of info with me going forward.

eye roll.

bonuses should be performance related and have nothing to do with your knowledge of whether or not they were trying to take out a 401k loan.  i shouldn’t even KNOW that she was trying to do so.  and for some reason he can’t even see how WRONG it was to tell me and ask me that.