How did I get here?

What the fuck are these things?

According to the text that pops up, They're "Alien's Ovum." This of course means they're "Alien's Egg." Way to be obtuse guys. You can just destroy these with no problem, and don't even spawn anything out of them.

While attempting to take a screenshot of a new enemy, they proceeded to destroy my health. Ow.

Interestingly enough, when you get low, you'll hear the sound that you'd expect from a sci-fi movie where the a ship's been hit and it's going down. Thankfully it only stays around for about 3 seconds, so it's not anything too annoying.

So he just heals me up free of charge, apparently. That's useful.

...Or not. I guess he took all my military rank? I have no clue what this does. Hovering over it doesn't show anything.

See? I wasn't lying. I have no clue what the fuck this is supposed to do.

We meet a new enemy, called Larva. They're basically a stronger version of the first enemy we met, called a stinger, except ranged. The enemies with the halberds were called Chisels.

After this time will skip around more, so as to not make you read through hours of gameplay at the same pace it was being played.

So, as it turns out, GUN makes you use up your cells, and to replenish it, you have to click on your energy bar and use up your cells, as far as I can tell. Now the unfortunate thing about this is that cells are your money, and I like to get rich. So now we're gonna be beating aliens to death with a club. Hurrah for medieval weapons.

So after killing some things with my club, and subsequently losing a fuck ton of life, I find this portal. I went through it and came back, and my camera angle got changed. Who thought this was a good idea?

Welcome to MURDEROUS HILL.

FUCK YEAH. That guy exploded into chunks. Badass.

Three more of these bugs came to fight me, but were no match before my mighty GUN.

Another challenger come to face me?! Fool! You too will fall to GUN!

I wish these people would stop calling me Hack. I identify as XXX420NoScopesXXX and they should respect that.

Here we're introduced to the reputation system. This guy in particular hates us. I'm sure there is no way this could backfire in anyway.

He says he's not afraid, but the text next to his name tells me he's feeling fear. The deepest lore.

Here's the Doc. He'll heal us, probably for a price. I didn't bother to check. Over to the right of him is the Teleporter. Awesome, except we can't teleport anywhere yet. What a shitty Teleporter.

Here's IRON MIKE'S son. He sells GUNS, so unless Guns suck we'll probably be visiting him more than IRON MIKE.

Here's our inventory screen. We have the choice between a club, a sling shot, and a GUN.

Obviously I'm going to choose the Gun. Didn't you see my eye patch? I'm the best at shooting.

Welcome to IRON MIKE. Obviously, this guy was a wrestler in his younger years. He's basically our merchant, along with his to-be-yet-met son. We'll probably be back here a lot.

Oh good. I'm glad they put a giant wall in my way to make talking to this guy as hard as it can possibly be. Not really sure what he does. I guess he's just there to give you hints on what the fuck to do.

Oh, there we go. Look, he's so distressed he can't properly speak. I'd follow this man any day.

What the hell are these things? At first they looked like just apart of the floor, bu-

Oh, I have to put in a name. How about...

Perfect.

Well here we are. I assume our reason being here has something to do with that cutscene I skipped. Starting to regret that.

Wait, so my name's Hack now? I thought it was XXX420NoScopesXXX! Why bother even asking my name if you weren't gonna use it?! Damn it Space Hack. You let me down already.

Oh no, not It! Anything but It!

I actually don't know what It is. There was a cutscene after this, but I skipped it. For all I know it could be a cute little bunny.

Welcome to our menu. Here we get to see Space, Hack, and a guy's face, everything we'd ever want.. Look at him. He's got an eyepatch AND sideburns. Doesn't he just look badass?

There's no sound here besides some music. Hovering over bars or clicking them doesn't make any sound. Not a big deal, but not exactly a good sign for a game that someone only paid a dollar to gift to me.

Someone sent me this game a while back when I asked for games as a joke. Most of them were Bad Rats. One of them sent me this.

I have never played this game, nor have I heard a single thing about it. It could be the worst game in all existence.