rai's writing | ia

you just couldn’t have that face to face conversation with any of them. how do you explain that none of it was serious. or that all he needed was someone to take to family get-togethers for when his uncles would ask about his love life. or that you had grown so used to his hand in yours that the emptiness you felt when he wasn’t there scared you. or that you missed him. how could you look someone in the eyes and say that you had not only lost a love but also a best friend. how do you describe that hurt. how do you say that you feel unlovable. how.

you couldn’t say those thoughts aloud because as soon as you did they’d become real. he would really be gone. and happy. and in love. and you would have to admit that you were hurting. you’d have to admit that it was really over.

so instead you lay here on the sofa. and keep it all in. sometimes you can’t help but remember him. and how happy he’d been.

the knock on your door drew your attention from the sheet of cookies ready to go into the oven.

there he stood in the doorway with a smile so bright that it put the stars on the clearest of nights to shame.

‘hey y/n’ he pulled you into a warm embrace. the scent of his cologne was intoxicating. strong and inviting, the prefect reflection of his personality.

‘hey lucas. i wasn’t expecting to stop by today.’

‘yeah i just wanted to share some good news with you. like really good news. like i came here as fast as I could kind of news.’ he spoke so excitedly as he followed you back into the kitchen.

‘well spit it out,’ you reply while placing the sheet of cookies in the oven.

‘i found someone,’ his smile wider than ever.

you almost dropped the sheet of cookies as you took in what he said. you knew this day would come. the day he would find someone to actually love and care for. the day he no longer needed you. but still you hoped and prayed that maybe there was something there. maybe the secret touches shared between just the two of you actually meant something. that maybe he’d choose you.

he didn’t.

‘so get this. i was walking into the coffee shop on seventh street that me and you usually go to. and i bumped into this gorgeous girl and spilled her whole coffee so i offered to buy her a new one.’ he rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the floor. ‘so cheesy and cliché i know. but y/n this girl. we talked and talked and she made everything seem to….right. when I looked into her eyes i just felt…’ he sighed and leaned against the counter.

‘…like everything just seemed to make sense for once.’ you finished the sentence for him as you checked on the cookies.

‘yeah exactly’ he didn’t even try the hide his love struck expression. it was clear as day that he was really falling. ‘when i talked to her it was so easy. almost as if we knew each other for years.’

we did.

you looked him in the eyes for the first time since he broke the news and forced a smile to your face. you couldn’t even fathom the idea of ruining this for him.

‘lucas im ecstatic for you.’

‘really?’

‘of course. if there’s anyone who deserves true love and happiness in life, it’s you.’ and you meant that. it just hurts that he found it in someone else.

‘and hey. at least now you actually have someone to take to all your family functions.’

he chuckled lightly, ‘yeah you’re right. i don’t know if your cheeks could handle another one if aunt maya’s pinches.’

‘the pinches i could handle,’ you say as you forced a laugh out, ‘but I’d have to buy a gym membership if i had another dinner at your parents house.’

‘it’s not my fault mom loves insisting on third helpings’ this time he let out a full real laugh, remembering all the shared glances between the two of you at a dinner table. wondering how you could possibly eat another slice of meatloaf.

‘we can celebrate your new found love with some cookies, if you’d like. they should be done in a minute or two.’

the smile dropped slightly from his face. ‘oh y/n. i’d love to really but i promised angelina that i’d meet her again for coffee. i just stopped by the tell you the good news.’

‘of course, of course. you should get going then. a love like this comes around once in a life time.’ and who am i to stand in the way of someone living their lifetime.

lucas cast a sympathetic look before pushing himself off of the counter and embracing you once more.

‘thank you for everything y/n. seriously. you’ve helped me out so much. if you need anything let me know.’ his cologne was still so strong. and it hurt to know that someone else was going to experience it like this.

‘that’s what best friends are for lucas. you’ll be the first person i call when im sick and throwing up everywhere.’

you could feel him chuckle lightly before placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘you got it y/n.’

the door shut, leaving you alone.

your hands shook as you took the cookies out of the oven and set the tray in the stove top. they shook as you turned it off. they shook as you took off the oven mits. they shook as you ran them down your face only to find them wet with tears. and they shook as you lowered yourself to the kitchen floor.

your hands were steady now and found their way to that playlist like muscle memory. you had long since deleted all the photos of you and him. but you just couldn’t find the strength to delete this. he had made it for you before the whole fiasco of pretending to be together had ever crossed either of your minds. he said that ‘these song remind me of us.’ and maybe you had gotten your own hopes up. maybe you had searched too deeply between the lines of lyrics. maybe you looked so hard that you had only found what you wanted to. because they were just songs. songs of bad timing and unrequited love. but at the end of the day still. just. songs.

as they played throughout the room. filling the stale silence as your body began to move, lifting you from the couch. your gaze landing on the sweater which rested on the arm of a chair. it was his. he had left it accidentally when spending the night here one time. you had meant to give it back for some time now but haven’t been able to. everytime you had gained the courage to call him and ask him over, he was busy. eventually you stopped calling. and he stopped texting. stopped checking in. so there the sweater sits. still smelling of him.

your body began to move once more reaching out for it and pulling it close to you. maybe if you breathed in enough of his scent, it’d feel like he was here with you again. of course it didn’t but it was as close you could get.

your hips swayed to the rhythm. as your feet worked their way around the living room. stepping over pillows and discarded take out. you danced for the first time in what felt like years. you felt the tears fall but paid them no mind. still clutching the article of clothing impossibly close to you, you sang along with the lyrics.

Yelling at the sky

Screaming at the world

Baby, why’d you go away?

I’m still your girl

Holding on too tight

Head up in the clouds

Heaven only knows

Where you are now

I stay up all night

Tell myself I’m alright

Baby, you’re just harder to see than most

I put the record on

Wait ‘til I hear our song

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

you were busy painting some cherries (is that random? idk. oh well)

and you could feel him looking at you so once you finally looked up towards him he just blurted it out

now i wouldn’t say it caught you completely by surprise because prior to this you and doyoung did this thing where instead of ending a phone call with “okay bye i love you” you would always add something extra to the end of it

“okay stay safe!”

“i will. bye bye, i love you…r smile”

“later babe i love you…r positivity”

ya know cute shit like that

so when he actually said it all you could do was smile at him and say it back

and it was like everything was settling into place

it wasn’t necessarily fireworks and rockets going off

it was just like how it felt watching the sunset

calm

serene

peaceful

like everything was just right ya know?

anywho that was 3 months ago, let's talk about the present

you were currently lounging around with doyoung

well, doyoung was lounging, you were working on essay

or at least trying to

it was one of the unfortunate times where your schedules just hadn’t been working out lately

he was busy promoting and it was almost the end of the quarter which meant term papers and finals for you

so even when he got the rare day to relax and spend time with you, you were busy

and so even though you wanted to just spend all day cuddled up with him, you couldn’t

today doyoung was in desperate need of love and affection

tbh he just missed you and wanted to be near you

and right now you were all the way at the dining room table while he sat on the living room couch

which was entirely too separated for his taste

you were too into the essay to even realize that he had gotten up and was slowly making his way over to you

doyoung tried to loudly casually grab a water bottle to get your attention

when that didn’t work he tried to start up a conversation and stand directly over your shoulder as you type away

“hey y/n how’s the paper going?”

“good thanks”

“how much more do you have?”

“about 2 and a half pages”

“wow great job babe. do you want some water?”

he placed his water right in front of your face

“thanks but im good do. i just finished a glass”

“okay but what about a snack, you’ve been working for so long

“do, i appreciate the concern but i just want to power through this last bit and then we can watch some movies and order some take out.”

you turned your head up towards his and placed a kiss on his cheek before going back to writing

you couldn’t see how he huffed and puffed as he walked into the kitchen to brainstorm up another way to get your attention

he eventually decided on getting a snack for himself, some kettle cooked chips

aka the loudest possible chip he could’ve gotten

not only is it super crunchy but for some reason the bags are also super loud to open

or is that just me? just me, okay.

which was perfect

so he pulled a chair directly next to you and began to eat these chips as loud as he possibly could

and after getting about halfway through bag he realized that you would never tell him to quiet down so he wanted to up the ante

he started to hum regular

and the humming progressively got more and more intense

until he was not only full-on singing but he did ALLthe background vocals, drums, guitar riffs, synth beats.

literally every possible element of this song

and doing the choreo in his seat

all less then a foot away from you and your so close to being done paper

you sighed and slowly turned your head to him

“doyoung sweetheart. whatcha doin?”

he immediately gave you the puppy dog eyes

“huh? what do you mean y/n?”

you couldn’t help but give him a small smile because even if he was preventing you from finishing your work, you couldn’t stay mad at him

just look at him

hes too cute to be mad at

mad? no.

annoyed? a little bit.

“look doyoung i just need to do the works cited and then i promise i will give you all the attention you want”

“oh please. don’t rush on my account. i can wait as long as you need.”

you playfully rolled your eyes at him before finishing the essay as quickly as possible before he starts singing simon says lmao

and he patiently sat beside you as you worked

well if patiently means you could feel him shaking his leg up and down and could ear the incessant tapping of his fingers on the table

finally, he watched as you typed the last word

you were barely able to save the document before he dragged you into the living room and onto the couch

laughter bubbled up from inside as he threw himself next you and simultaneously draped a blanket over the both of you

where did he get the blanket from? no clue. but now it’s here.

he snuggled himself into your side as he mindlessly put a movie on netflix

and tbh the movie really didn’t matter

because finally doyoung had you all to himself at least for now

and that’s all either of you could ask for

fin!

a/n: alrighty! that’s it. i hope it wasn’t too bad. i’m still trying to get back into the swing of things but either way i hope you enjoyed. sorry if it was all over the place or sloppy, i did a quick passover and edit but like i said i am always open to constructive criticism :)