2023โฒs music to listen to #11: my top february tunes
will be updated each time i got obsessed with some newly-found/old music!
click here for the spotify playlist
occasionally subtle
Stranger Things
d e v o n
Misplaced Lens Cap

blake kathryn

we're not kids anymore.

Product Placement
Show & Tell
trying on a metaphor

gracie abrams
Noah Kahan

bliss lane

pixel skylines
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
ojovivo

shark vs the universe
noise dept.
Xuebing Du

Love Begins
seen from Malaysia
seen from Indonesia

seen from Colombia

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Spain

seen from Chile

seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom

seen from Spain

seen from T1

seen from Malaysia

seen from Tรผrkiye
seen from United States

seen from T1
seen from United States

seen from Netherlands

seen from Canada
seen from United States
@raissiemarten
2023โฒs music to listen to #11: my top february tunes
will be updated each time i got obsessed with some newly-found/old music!
click here for the spotify playlist

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
just in case
I wrote (if not) everything I felt about my condition, health, struggles with GERD and everything related to it on Keep notes (a Google app) in different synced logged in e-mails.
Just in case you miss it.
takut mati satu jam yang lalu
rasanya aneh. kadang, gue mempertanyakan kalau sebenarnya gue udah mati atau belum. biasanya, gue bakal goresin kuku ke permukaan kulit untuk memastikan kalau gue masih bisa merasa sakit. atau, semisal habis bangun dari suatu tempat, gue bakal kembali lagi ke tempat itu hanya untuk memastikan kalau gue nggak melihat diri sendiri lagi tergeletak tak berdaya.
beberapa bulan ini, gue was-was banget soal kematian. takut detak jantung gue berhenti di saat yang gak gue duga, atau dalam keadaan belum siap mati. gue rasa satu orang pun gak ada yang bisa ngerasa siap mati.
we leave everything in this world as we die.
dulu mungkin iya, gue takut gak bisa ngelakuin hal-hal secetek nonton tv kalau mati โ pemikiran itu muncul pas gue masih kecil. sekarang, kayaknya bukan takut gak bisa melakukan aktivitas sederhana itu, tapi lebih ke ... ada kekecewaan karena gak bisa mewujudkan harapan atau mimpi yang dipunya. harapan gue nggak banyak, mimpi pun bisa dihitung jari. gue lebih takut mati tanpa bisa melakukan apa yang gue harapkan dan apa yang pernah gue impikan.
di hari ulangtahun gue yang ke-24, alias awal tahun ini, gue nulis kalau seenggaknya, cara agar bahagia di usia ini adalah dengan mengandalkan harapan sendiri. mau sesuram atau sepayah apapun harapan itu, setidaknya, ada hal yang tetap bikin gue ingin hidup.
sebelumnya, memang, gue hidup di tengah keputusasaan. rasanya udah nggak pantas menginjakkan kaki di dunia. napas pun terasa sia-sia.
dan lucunya, ada satu hal yang bikin gue ingin terus melihat ke depan; bikin gue pengen intip apa sih yang sebenarnya terjadi di masa depan kalau hal ini terjadi. tiba-tiba gue berharap untuk hidup lebih lama, dan sempat berterima kasih dalam hati karena hal ini udah bikin gue enggan mati muda.
walaupun lucunya harapan ini perlahan-lahan runtuh, dan gue jadi merasa gak keberatan untuk mati muda.
tapi sekali lagi, di dalam benak hati gue yang terdalam, gue masih menaruh harapan dengan hal konyol ini. dan sekali lagi, mungkin ini salah satu contoh harapan yang bakal bikin gue kecewa berat karena gak bisa terwujud jikalau gue mati nantinya;
atau harapan gue untuk bikin peter, mungil, dan bloom jadi kucing terbahagia sejagat raya karena semua kebutuhannya terpenuhi. atau dengan berry yang akhirnya bisa kembali ke pelukan gue lagi;
atau harapan gue untuk jadi wanita karir yang sukses yang bisa jajanin adek-adeknya tanpa khawatir sisa duit di dompet ada berapa;
atau harapan gue bikin orang tua bangga karena akhirnya bisa menjadi anak yang setidaknya berhasil bikin mereka bahagia karena dilihat-lihat mereka geram akan kegagalan anak pertamanya yang bahkan bikin bahagia pun nggak bisa;
atau nonton konser catfish and the bottlemen saat mereka tour di tanah air ini dengan album terbaru yang akhirnya dirilis setelah bertahun-tahun lamanya;
atau harapan gue mengikuti kisah balas dendam mizu di blue eye samurai sampai akhir;
atau harapan gue mengelilingi dunia dengan pasangan hidup, entah keliling national parks di amerika atau countryside di britania raya atau ke seluk-beluk swiss dan tiap sudut kota kecilnya;
atau mimpi gue untuk hidup sebebas-bebasnya dengan penuh cinta tanpa harus memikirkan hal-hal konyol macam tulisan yang gue tulis ini di saat gue takut tiba-tiba mati kena serangan jantung satu jam yang lalu.
to-do list: making it a "happy" 24th
now,
the only thing i could bear to do is to rely on hopesโthe ones of my own, even if they seem so dull and flawed and out of reach, at least i've got something within my palms to hold onto; something i believe in to keep on living.
make it last, love, i believe you want to last in life.
go pretenddddd, little damsel!
go out and seek for a better fate on your enddd!

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Every single time I look back at my failures, the steps I've taken that have led me down a less-than-ideal path... the mistakes I've made that weigh heavily on my mind, I remember one thing that eases my guilt. That any low I have fallen to or may fall to, I know I will never fumble the bag as hard as this jackass:
Actual fucking dumbass. This douche had Mizu herself giving up her path of revenge to settle down and rear horses with him. She loved him, actually fucking loved him and gave herself wholeheartedly, and he gets scared 'cuz his badass bride wiped the floor with him in a spar.
Remember folks, you can fail as many times in this godforsaken life we have, but you will never be as big of a failure as this dick.
Strong and cold
If my wife handed me my ass in combat and then kissed me after pointing a katana at my throat, I would recognize the gesture as the peak of romance it is and would fall even more in love with her. Rip to that guy Mizu married for like a year but I'm different.
i was rooting for their relationship!!!! that's exactly what i thought was gonna happen!! until i realized they weren't in the 21st century.
Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows
In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.
If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.
So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.
I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?
However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.
Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)
And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.
Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.
It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.
Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?
While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:
She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.
You see where I'm going with this.
When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:
And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD
When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.
MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS
No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.
And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:
Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!
The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.
And, uh
Yeah.
I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.
But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.
Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:
But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.
There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.
After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:
"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.
Kind of like another bird in this show:

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uh oh guys new favourite character time
๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ข๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐๐ฅ๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐จ๐ ๐ง๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐๐ค๐๐ ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐จ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐๐ซ ๐ฆ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐ฏ๐ ๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ค ๐ก๐จ๐ฅe.
โ
Direct reference to that one famous photo of Anne Hathaway, Audra McDonald & Raul Esparza in โTwelfth Nightโ.
- Iโm not the child you once knew.
- No. That child would see you and run.
so much life six years earlier, yet so many wasted and wrecked and destroyed. one wished to travel back in time, but what could guarantee an end to today's catastrophe?
in the corner of nonexisting existence
in the corner of the world, there lived a failure; that once walked the earth with a pocket of hope and a hint of desire. though it wasn't a single pocket that was brought, but a collection of little pieces that was embroidered into the clothes. the clothes that were worn into the place where books were piled up but never once touched, toward the street that was filled with sounds but never once heard, and inside the chamber where everything crumbled but never once told.
...

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some things are intentionally left unknown;
and it used to be about you.
dear God
when the days are no longer and the greens have vanished into ashes, please don't bring me back to life as the eldest daughter โ for i despise waking up to light and burn for the dreams i could barely remember