ever since I started my 30s this plays in my head every year on my birthday

this time was weeks of feeling frustrated about my apartment not being set up yet and not making time for fun/not being able to chill out and rest with boxes and stuff everywhere holding massive energy. i started getting really bloated and feeling off, and last weekend it was piquing as my period was trying to come. I decided to still go to NoLA and meet my friend. I knew we'd go out and see music/party but I had a migraine and felt off the whole time. She was so nice and we just chilled by the river and at Flora's, but once we did head out to see music the night started to drag. I was tired going into it but I perked up with a whiskey coke. I tapped out at 1am and stopped drinking but we didn't head back to her friends house until almost 4am. My body was so out of whack I barely slept, and was a husk when we got up at 8 and went for breakfast. This might have been recoverable if I just went home and slept all day, but I went to a friend's grad party Sunday night and stayed until 11. I was happy I went, but Saturday had set me off so wrong I was barely functioning. Monday I woke up with a sore throat and by Tuesday I had to leave work early, and then take yesterday off. I feel like I just need to journal this but my journal is still packed in boxes so I'm just putting this here for now. What have been my takeaways....? I think I knew I was off on Saturday and that day should have been a soft rest and recovery day. Seeing the music at 9 was even pushing it, and I could feel I was completely depleted. This goes back to something I've been working on... accountability and standing up for myself. My friend wasn't really reading that I was burnt out at 1am and I should have told her it was time for my night to end. And in the larger scheme, I can't put off stressful things -- I have to deal with them as they come up, otherwise the buildup will catch ujp with me. I also think the cold air at work is taking a toll on me, but for now, I'm going to focus on what I can control -- realizing when I'm at my limit and taking care of myself. I'm tired of having nights where things get pushed beyond control and my body and mind pay for it

today, in a spiral induced by an early-onset period after days of Benadryl induced insomnia (caused by an allergic reaction on tuesday) I decided I wanted to listen to classical music to cheer up. I typed the word "romantic" into the search bar and realized the playlist he'd added to me to during our early dating, "feeling romantical" was no longer there. that playlist was strange to me, because he made it for himself before we met. then he added me to it and played it during our encounters. but then around maybe the time of my birthday, or no, maybe august during our "pause" he updated the cover images to one of his nude portrait drawings. not anything to do with me which i found odd since that's a shared playlist between us now. i forgot all about that until now, i return and see that January 30th, FIVE DAYS after the phone call with me, he added a bunch more songs. now the title is no longer feeling romantic but vibatious or something. i don't know when that happened. and i'm 100% tailspinning from how destabilized my body has been after my allergic reaction and now possibly suddenly getting my period out of the blue. BUT. why can't people just fucking leave things alone. why do you have to mess with stuff that was part of our story. he really didn't care never cared i don't know what happened with us but i know he must see my name when he edits the playlist. maybe he's truly a narcissist