Hi there, 🌻

In the games I was playing, I picked a support character and found that I was good at filling that role. In playing support, you may set up kills for your team, heal or shield them from damage, and provide buffs. It is also important to position yourself well so you can be alive to do your job and monitor where each member of your team is (to support them). Sometimes supports must make decisions to let a damage player die to keep the tank alive or vice versa. We may have to stall the objective timer (resulting in death) for a team member, whose ultimate ability is ready, to be able to make it to the objective point and use it. All this is to say that I love playing this role and have the skills for it.

In my real life, I was depressed, dissatisfied, and powerless. And yet, online, I was a great healer and support system for others. I realized this was my strength and so, I brought this strength into my reality. I was able to get a job as a caregiver that paid me double what I was making. I made enough money to afford and move into my first apartment on my own (no roommates). This was a month after starting the job. It is safe to say that I no longer felt powerless. At the time of writing this post, I am no longer a caregiver, but a peer counselor. I am so happy and fulfilled by getting the chance to contribute to the healing of others.

I attribute this massive change in my life to video games for helping me recognize what I am good at. I still play games (casually); you can click here for you YouTube channel.

I hope that you all allow your hobbies to help you shine and share your gifts with the world.

To start, I am a peer counselor for work. Traumatic conversations arise and one in particular hit a soft spot for me. A male collegue of mine used the term “rape” and I had a HUGE issue with that. I always used the term “sexual assault” because I feel it gives victims a bit more privacy since it is a broader term. After this interaction, I knew that for me to respond the way that I did, meant that I was not fully healed. I learned that it was hard for me to even say the word, rape, out loud.

I began journaling, asking, what is my issue with the word, and I was able to recall a memory in which I first used it. I was 18, still living at home, and my mother asked me why So and So doesn’t come over anymore. I said, because he raped me. She looked at me for a minute and then turned to walk into her bedroom. My perspective now is that she may not of heard me or rather she didn’t know how to respond. However, I feel this exchange taught me to keep quiet- it’s not to be taken seriously. So, I never said the word again. Eventually, I did process what happened to me. I was even fortunate to receive a sincere apology from him.

Poetry helped me with the process:

Both are published in my book, click here to read.

All this is to say that, in journaling, I found a wound and was able to give myself permission to say the word, rape, in telling my story because I have the right to tell it fully.

I journaled more than just about that, there were many interactions and most were some I didn’t think impacted me as an adult. My aunt had dated a man for years, he was family. When I became of mature age (teenager), he would stare at me for what I considered too long. Once, he sent me a text message that was a sexual joke and I brushed it off assuming he meant to text it to my dad since they were good friends. The man never touched me or anything else but through journaling I realized that those two things shaped my perspective of how older men see me.

To add to that, my cousins and I would often swim at the park when we were teenagers. When we walked back to their house one day, a car pulled up beside us and the young adult males tried to get me to get into their car. I was probably 16. I learned that a lot of my interactions with men made me feel like a piece of meat and I had saw myself the same way that they saw me. Becoming aware of how these experiences shaped me, gave me the power now as an adult to say, no, I don’t want these things to continue to influence me. I can change my narrative at any time. I am happy to say that once I took my power back from these memories and allowed myself to be more than a piece of meat, the real me who is to be respected and honored shined right through.

In conclusion, journaling helped me to remember, feel, process, and forgive. Leaning into uncomfortable situations like the exchange with my co-worker, was a great teaching moment. Hopefully, you too can use uncomfortable situations as a chance to heal.

When I stopped taking birth control, my body did not menstruate for months. My immature mind thought, well that’s cool, now we don’t have to worry about getting pregnant. Eventually, I menstruated again, and it did not stop. I bled for an entire month- thinking my body would regulate itself. But I couldn’t wait any longer and decided to get back on birth control.

I understood this cycle: stop taking it means no menstruation for several months, then, menstruation for at least a month.

In 2016, I was severely depressed and living with an abusive partner. This was my 2nd or 3rd time trying to get off birth control. The menstruation occurred and lasted for a month; however, it was the heaviest flow I had ever experienced. I used the biggest feminine product I could find and yet, was going through 3-4 of those in one day. I feared I would die. I didn’t know then, but I know now that I was hemorrhaging.

I went to the doctor seeking a way to make this stop without getting back on birth control. I was given 7-10 pills to take daily until they ran out and then I’d be fine. This did not work so I got back on birth control but, felt the doctors had failed me.

In 2019, I was no longer in that abusive relationship and was in the process of finding who I really was- discovering the boundaries I needed to erect in order to properly care for me.

One day, I laid down on my bed and placed my hands over my ovaries. Then I talked to my femininity. I told her I was sorry for all that I allowed. I told her that we will sync up with Mother Moon to be guided and healed. I encouraged that we could do this because I am listening now. Without taking the birth control, I menstruated monthly consistently for seven days. My flow was average, not heavy. I found a mediation on the app, Insight Timer, to which I continued to talk to my body. In the mediation, I visualized pink or white light radiating from within me. At the end, I asked my feminity, “Is there anything you need from me?” Once, I heard the word avocado. I had never eaten an avocado before this day. I researched it wondering why it came up in my mediation.

Avocados help with managing the natural hormones in your body. They are beneficial for stabilizing the reproductive organs. They contain healthy fats and antioxidants- preventing cervical and breast cancers.

In 2022-23, I took my womb healing to the next level by reading a book called Sacred Woman. I learned that menstruation lasting 3 days is optimal. I set a goal for myself to get down to 5 days without any cramps and pains. I abstained from sexual relations for 2 months. I drink teas, meditate daily, take walks, and have released stored memories that have stifled my femininity. At the time of writing this, my menstruation lasts 5 days and I experience ZERO pain. When it is my time of the month, I limit my social interaction for two days- giving time to me and my body. I also raise my legs on pillows to help the blood flow. Lastly, I drink chamomile and lavender teas to relax my body as well as burdock root and dandelion for iron replacement.

All this is to say that the symptoms I was experiencing in my teen and young adult years were cries from my femininity and I covered those up with birth control pills. I wanted to share this story for the women who want to heal themselves or try something different. I use the calendar method when deciding when to be intimate, via the app, Stardust- best accuracy.

Here are some of my practices:

• Plant based diet (no soy or dairy- hormonal disruptors)

• Reading Sacred Woman by Queen Afua

• Yoga practice

• Breathing exercises (Alkaline & Breath of Fire)

• Walks in nature / Meditation- Visualization

• Teas for iron and relaxing the body

• Journaling feminine wounds / Calendar log

• #1 Talking to my body: Gratitude / Affirmations

• Propping my legs on pillows

• Periodically practicing abstinence

Good luck on your healing journey, may this assist who it may.

That was very true for me. I hated my dad so much that I had this attitude about me and people always asked why I was angry- I didn’t know what they were talking about at the time, to me, I was just being normal.

Then, I started having nightmare dreams of my dad almost every night until I met up with him after 16years.

I was able to understand that

hurt people hurt people.

His treatment of me had to deal with his own traumas and unhealed wounds.

Does it make it okay? No, but this understanding allowed me to cultivate empathy and forgiveness for those on their healing journey, as we are all on one.

With that said, I think forgiveness works well with boundaries. You can forgive someone or a situation without allowing them/it full access to you.

Your energy, time, and essence is the most valuable thing you have to offer the world.

So, as an example, I speak to my mom periodically because too much of her can become toxic to me. Identifying boundaries and what you need can help the forgiving process.

I too find gratitude in each situation, the role my parents played in my life, helped me to build strength and independence.

So, I believe that gratitude can be found when we look for it.

Lastly, for me, facing my dad in person was beneficial. That may not always be what is beneficial to others. However, I recommend an approach that will give you the opportunity to express emotions:

Finding a safe group to talk about it

Writing a letter, journaling, poetry

Writing songs, singing, playing instruments

Writing jokes (comedy, humor)

Permission to cry

Permission to SAFELY hit (boxing class or gym workouts)

Permission to take as much time as needed

Crafts, paintings

I hope this helps who it may.

✨Here are some ways I honor my inner child:✨

• Music Playlist: I have a Spotify playlist that has songs like Hakuna Matata, You Got a Friend in Me, Under the Sea, the whole Nightmare Before Christmas album, and more. Sometimes, I feel called to listen to the playlist and my mood becomes light-hearted. This is great when it feels like work or other factors may be too serious. My inner child helps me find a balance.

• Items: I have a book that I bought in my elementary school library. It felt great to gather some quarters and make a fulfilling purchase as my younger self. I haven’t read the book since then, but although I have donated many of my books and belongings, I feel THAT book is a reminder of a time of innocence.

• Shows: My all-time favorite shows growing up were Courage the Cowardly Dog and Invader Zim. Occasionally, I will rewatch them along with That’s So Raven on YouTube. I find that I enjoy each episode and laugh like it were the first time. When I feel called to do this, it can be a security blanket that no matter how much things change around me, I can still enjoy this.

• Visiting Places: This may too be a security blanket. It helps me stay connected to the memory of the loved ones who raised me and connects me to parks/playgrounds that brought me peace.

• Biking: When I was young, my cousins and I biked together. I had a pink Barbie bike that I thought was the coolest thing ever. I never biked in my teens or adult years until 2022 when I bought a Schwinn. After all those years, I felt this immense feeling of freedom when I rode again. It was the same feeling as playing on the Monkey Bars on the playground or going down a slide.

All this is to say that staying connected to our inner child is a great way to tap into an innocent feeling—the time before the weight of the world came down.

If you are someone who didn’t have the opportunity to be a child, I am sharing this because you have the power to create those moments now. As an example, if you were someone who didn’t get to enjoy holidays with a family, then you can open yourself up to forming familial type relationships to be able to share that moment with them. If you didn’t have a dad to take you to a football game.

I shared that one of the things my mother did, was ignore me as a child. When I became a teenager, I began living with depression. I couldn’t understand why I was being treated the way that I was.

My basic needs were met: food, shelter, and clothing that I am grateful for. But there was psychological and emotional neglect and abuse.

I went to school and got good grades. I wasn’t doing drugs or anything that would make my parents look down on me. So, I struggled to comprehend the why.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned about narcissism. It is a diagnosable personality disorder, although, the term is sometimes used casually in society.

It is safe to say that I hated my mother as a youth, but I’d like to share how learning more about this condition helped me heal and repair my relationship with her, myself, and others.

✨HEALING ✨

I CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE- I see narcissism as a trauma response. When we experience things in life that hurt us, our ego can become a shield for protection. It shields the fact that our self-esteem is low.

I know this from adopting narcissistic behavior myself.

There was a time when I became angry when someone didn’t text me back immediately.

My ego would say, why did you take so long? They’d say, I’m at work. And my ego argued, it’s been all day, you can text in the bathroom. Then, I’d ignore their messages for a whole day as “punishment”.

Assessing my toxic behavior, showed someone who craved attention due to a lacking in youth.

When I understood my own trauma response, I understood that people have their own also, and that, I shouldn’t take it personally.

ACCEPTANCE- Self-awareness helped me address the toxic traits I picked up, but self-awareness is just that, for the self. I can’t expect others to be aware of the why behind their own behaviors.

To repair the relationship with my mother, I:

Make space solely for her to talk

Limit my time in her company for my mental wellness

Have learned to say, no, to protect myself from doing more for her than she does for me

Accept that I can’t count on her for certain things

Accept quick changes in mood as normal and not my fault

I think the biggest take away for me is to not take things personally. It’s hard to know what someone has experienced without them telling you—so, when I see certain behaviors or ways of thinking, I remember that it’s our own unique journey that makes us the way we are.

When I decided to heal, I noticed that the people that had hurt me, couldn’t anymore. It wasn’t them that had changed, it is me and how I choose to react.

The curse of knowledge is a phenomenon in which after a person learns something, they forget not knowing it in the first place. This causes them to lose empathy for those who haven’t yet learned, which in turn, causes frustration from the expectation that others should know what they know.

Video Explanation:

On occasion, my mother would make eye contact with me for a few moments to let me know she had heard what I said. But then, she would look away without responding. At times, I’d go into my room and cry. I didn’t understand why it hurt, but it did.

Psychology shows that ignoring someone activates the same sensory receptors in the brain as if they had just been physically hit.

Think about that for a minute.

That is to say that being ignored by my mother was traumatic. For years, I allowed myself to fade into the background.

I never spoke up because in my head, I had nothing valuable to say to anyone.

When dating, I found that I had replicated my mother’s behavior towards my partners.

If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all, right? But why couldn’t I say something like, I need a minute, can we revisit this? I simply did not have the tools.

How did I heal?

✨ Meditation and Affirmations ✨

Over time, I have utilized a variety of meditative techniques. However, on the app Insight Timer, I found benefit in a guided meditation for inner child healing.

Link to Insight Timer ⬇️

In this meditation, I envisioned my younger self and she always appeared to me in a red dress that I had worn in elementary school. We often met on a playground, although once, she showed me her bedroom. She was afraid in that place because it was dark and lonely.

I turned on all the lights and assured her I was there now. I told her she was heard as many times that was necessary to overcome that childhood trauma.

Because of this, I have developed enough personal power to share my voice on platforms like this.

At this time, I watched reality shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta and Love and Hip Hop: the World.

Seeing the beautiful black women on television influenced me to buy my first wig. I used it to cover up the issue.

Of course, whenever I took the wig off to wash my hair, I found that it still fell out. I felt that I had done all I could, maybe leaving my hair alone would allow it to heal.

✨In 2020, I started my loc journey. ✨

WORK— At this time, I was an in-home caregiver for an agency.

When I had done my interview, I was wearing a wig. After loc’ing my hair several months later, I had come into the office to speak with my black boss who also wore wigs and weaves.

She took one look at me and said, What is going on with your hair? I ignored her to protect my feelings.

My hair was short and uneven due to the breakage.

Another time, I had given my white client a compliment stating, I like what you’ve done with your hair today, it looks nice. She had curled it.

To which she responded, Thank you, I’d like to get a hold of yours and do something with it... I’d straighten it.

It was difficult to wear my natural hair out without it being straightened especially, because I had grown so confident and comfortable in wearing wigs.

With those responses on top of my self-image, I had to constantly remind myself that I had started my loc journey to heal my hair and THAT was a great purpose.

DATING— I dated during this time, but I thought my hair made me unattractive so, I used old pictures of me on dating apps. This made me feel like I was catfishing people. With that, I realized I needed to take a break and accept myself first.

BEFORE &AFTER

✨ I approached each day with a “this is me attitude” allowing myself to feel more comfortable with being me. ✨

When I washed my hair, there was ZERO breakage and as the months passed, my boss had started to wear her hair out too.

As of today, my hair has grown four noticeable inches since.

In this story, I learned to not only accept myself but to listen to what my hair was telling me.

What I was doing before was hurting it and taking my hands off was a way to listen.

In standing out against black American cultural norms, I inspired someone else to also without even intending to.

AND, I was able to find a partner that cares for me and my hair. That is to say that,

What did I do?

I abandoned it outside by a neighbor’s home hoping someone else could nurture it or that maybe mother nature could.

Why the sudden empathy?

It wasn’t until I saw the signs of death that I acknowledged the Pine Tree had life to begin with, and I saw myself as responsible for taking it away.

A few years later, I was a caregiver for a woman that wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gave me Aloe Vera and a Spider Plant. With my newfound empathy I thought, I MUST learn everything I can about them to do better this time.

Although these are plants, they have been positive role models and teachers to me. Surprisingly, I learned about myself.

I love succulent plants because they can store water which allows them to survive in a multitude of conditions, and their skin is often tough. I admired these attributes and adopted them into my own life to build resilience through hard times.

Not knowing about plants didn’t mean I couldn’t learn.

It is the same when you meet people. Usually, you get to know them—learn their likes and dislikes to build a relationship.

In being interested in what these plants needed, I had practiced relationship building and care.

I checked in on them from time to time and observed how they were doing. It was calming and rewarding for me to witness my efforts transferred into growth by height and vibrant colored leaves.

✨I learned the essence of nurturing which now radiates throughout all my relationships. ✨

There is this idea that people come equipped with “common senses”. I want to remind you, dear Reader, that things like empathy and nurturing are skills to be cultivated— especially, for people like me, who’ve grown up without many positive role models.