Radiator Sister

2. I’ve been talking to a nice fellow on OKC. But he lives 4.5 hours away. I typically wouldn’t even entertain such a correspondence, but I saw that he had looked at my profile so I looked at his because he was cute, and he’s actually really neat. So I messaged him and said “I’m mad at you for being awesome and living so far away” and we have just been sending breezy messages back and forth for the last few days. He asked me if I want to be pen pals, like snail mail pen pals, which I think will be fun. Indianapolis is about halfway between us, so perhaps we’ll meet up at some point.

3. I am realizing that I must find a way to forgive myself for my divorce. I feel like I’m in the process of doing this, even though I’m not exactly sure how I’m doing it. I think it started with accepting that it’s irrelevant whether or not the divorce was a mistake, that the fact is that it happened and that I have no choice but to live in this reality. I did some really awful things in my marriage and if I want to stop being the kind of person who does those things I have to stop beating myself up and take a look at myself and my flaws with some compassion. Not easy. But necessary.

I have had a number of clients who are interested in social justice and who, due to their mental illnesses and/or trauma history, really struggle in social situations. On a number of occasions these people have entered spaces in which they appear to have a relative amount of privilege (typically due to race and/or gender) and have done the following:

Dominated or derailed the conversation

Interrupted others

Attempted to relate to others who were more oppressed by sharing their own, not-so-relevant experiences

Failed to read other people’s social cues

Talked extensively about their knowledge of social justice in an attempt to fit in/prove themselves while silencing other people

Unwittingly said things that were racist/sexist/otherwise problematic

Is there space for people who do these things within social justice movements? Isn’t it ableist to say otherwise? But what happens when one person’s disability creates an unsafe space for others? Should we expect people do their own work around these issues before engaging in activist spaces, or else suffer the consequences (call outs, exclusion, etc)? Is there a more compassionate way to deal with these situations when they occur?

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before? Drove across an international border. Relatedly, visited Toronto and Niagara Falls. Started getting biweekly paychecks that are more than $1,000.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? According to last year’s survey, my goals were "reading more, getting in better physical shape, and revitalizing my social life.” I was successful with reading more and improving my social life. Getting in better physical shape is definitely a priority for 2016. I also want to be more active in general -- leaving the house more, having more experiences, etc. And I’d like to be more financially responsible -- more money in savings, less unnecessary spending.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Right this very moment my friend Jessie, for whom I threw that baby shower last month, is in labor! Or she may have given birth by now. She probably has more important things to do right now than text me, so I’m not sure exactly what’s happening. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No. And I’m grateful for that. 5. What countries did you visit? Canada! I saw Toronto and my lovely @fatfeministkilljoy. 6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015? As I said above, I’d like to just be more engaged in life. It would also be great to have a boyfriend who’s nice and emotionally available.  7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 25. My last day at my first social work job. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Definitely being promoted into management. I’m scared shitless about it but very proud of the fact that in less than three months at this job multiple people looked at me and said “She could be a leader.”

9. What was your biggest failure? Still fucking with J, probably.  10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I have some knee pain. I’ve probably had some colds. Otherwise, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Ellie! I didn’t really buy her, I paid her adoption fee, but she was the best money I spent. I also really like the big Fossil handbag I bought. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? A number of my friends who have just been awesome and supportive and fun to hang out with. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own, mostly, for continuing to do things that weren’t in my best interest. And J, for continuing to treat me disrespectfully. (But again, mostly my own, for putting up with it.) 14. Where did most of your money go? Rent, food, student loans. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Visiting @fatfeministkilljoy. Finally leaving a job where I was overworked and underpaid. Adopting Ellie. 16. What song will always remind you of 2015? Anything from Lake Street Dive’s Bad Self Portraits. I listened to that album a lot.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Considerably happier thinner or fatter? Fatter richer or poorer? Richer, fucking finally! 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Pretty much anything besides hanging around the house. Hiking, cultural events, going for walks, anything.  19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastinating, feeling regretful about my divorce. 20. How did you spend Christmas? On Christmas Eve I went bowling my with my parents, as per tradition. For the first time ever I beat my dad, but that can probably only be attributed to the fact that he was sick and doped up on cold meds. After that I was supposed to go to the Christmas Eve service at their church and then back to their house for dinner, but I’d woken up with a migraine that had come roaring back by the time we were done bowling, so I came home and took a nap. And then I wrapped presents and got Chinese food, which I ate while watching Jessica Jones. Then they came back over this morning and we opened gifts and ate breakfast, and then they left and Ellie and I napped on the sofa. Then I ate a chicken salad sandwich while watching more Jessica Jones. And here we are. The life of a single only child. 22. Did you fall in love in 2015? Nope. 23. How many one-night stands? None. (In all my years of filling this thing out I’m not sure that I’ve ever had a different answer.) 24. What was your favorite TV program? I was really sad to see Mad Men end. I enjoyed another season of OITNB. New faves this year are Broad City, Maron, and Jessica Jones.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope. 26. What was the best book you read? Probably Dance, Dance, Dance by Haruki Murakami. 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Speedy Ortiz

28. What did you want and get? A new job. A new dog. A better social life. More money. Better relationships with my parents.

29. What did you want and not get? A healthy, satisfying romantic relationship.  30. What was your favorite film of this year? Yet again, I didn’t see too many movies. I really enjoyed Inside Out.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went out to dinner with four of my friends. It was wonderful. I turned 35.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being more proactive in taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015? "This used to be really cute on me but now it’s too tight.”

34. What kept you sane? Friends! My friends were great this year! I also had several months of good therapy. And Ellie has had an immeasurably positive impact on my mental health. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I’m pretty excited about Bernie!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Black Lives Matter 37. Who did you miss? Still not done missing N. I also miss a former colleague who I was really close to and then had a falling out with, but our relationship was kind of toxic and I think it’s better that we leave each other alone. 38. Who was the best new person you met? My friend Rachel introduced me to some of her other friends who are pretty cool. Also, @sexonthepeach! 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015: I’ll just quote Nayyirah Waheed: “Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready.” 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Overlooking the canyon, Right from where I'm standing, I swear I see my former glory still burning It had every intent of returning

There's years to planning and landing To prepare for jumping the canyon It’s not the death-defying, or cheering, It’s the thrill of clearing, barely clearing