Rachel Barbra Clarington

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You already have your hands full taking care of everything and pretending everything is okay with everyone else; I can handle moving the stuff out of the basement. Maybe while I’m doing that you can keep an eye on Elizabeth. I don’t really know what to tell her if she starts asking questions.

You shouldn’t have to worry about me. If you’re right about this whole thing then really you only have to worry one night out of the month. We can both take measures to prepare for that night but I can do most of the heavy-lifting. I’ve already adjusted my schedule at work so I’ll have the day off the night of the full moon this month. I’ll stop talking about the guns and other things; we’ll figure out a solution as non-violent as possible.

[Private]

I told you, I’m taking her to Blaine and Sebastian’s. We’ll go get the chains and locks or whatever and we’re gonna come home. We’ll clean up the basement, order food, and spend the night just the two of us. She’s not going to ask anything if you don’t act like something is wrong.

[private]

I meant you aren’t capable of hurting it even if it was barreling in your direction, out to hurt you. If the roles were reversed I think I’d at least be able to subdue you enough that you couldn’t hurt anyone. But the roles aren’t reversed and this conversation is moot anyway– When we get home I’ll start moving important things out from the basement and I guess… wolf-proofing everything else so it can’t escape.

I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to just pretend everything is okay.

[Private]

Of course you label this conversation as moot-- you just get to decide. It’s fine, you’re not listening to me anyway so it doesn’t matter. I’ll help you. 

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Since I know I can actually fight off a rabid animal– since I’ve already done it once before– I can confidently say I’d be able to fight you off if you were to attack me. I could manage the situation if the roles here were reversed. I wouldn’t need to resort to traps or guns but you’re smaller than me and no offense babe, but you wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’ll find someplace to keep them but I’m bringing them inside on the night of the full moon.

No, I wasn’t sure what you were planning on doing. I don’t exactly have a handbook on how to pretend I’m not apparently a werewolf.

[Private]

You are impossibly frustrating. You wouldn’t hurt a fly either and yet here we are having this argument about you attacking me or something. You don’t just get to decide if I would be dangerous or not if I don’t get to decide about you-- that’s not how this works. Fine, you can bring them inside. But I will throw them back where they belong when it shows up. 

[private]

… Fine. Let’s just drop this for now since apparently we aren’t going to see eye-to-eye on it. I have no idea what to expect but clearly there’s no talking this through with you. Regardless of how you feel, I’m buying bear traps since you won’t let us get a gun.

Are we just going to pretend everything is hunky-dory when we spend Christmas together with your dads?

[Private]

No, I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. I want you to explain to me what you would do if it were me. How you would feel. That’s fine, but we aren’t keeping them in the house and I won’t promise that I’ll use them.

[private]

If it comes after you, at least a trap like that might immobilize it so you can get away. Nothing is going to happen to me as long as you promise me you’ll keep yourself safe. We’ll do this together but the night that everything is supposed to happen, I want you as far away from me as you can. I’m not risking anything– I’m not risking you getting hurt, even if that means I have to put the wolf down. I mean it, Rach.

I don’t want to know it. I don’t want anything to do with it! I didn’t ask for this… I didn’t ask for this thing to be part of my life and potentially put my entire family in danger. Your argument about misunderstanding me and misunderstanding this monster is completely invalid– you can talk to me to understand me and what kind of person I am but there’s no talking to a rabid wolf that, for all we know is out for blood.

[Private]

I told you I will take care of myself. You don’t know that nothing will happen to you, Hunter. I get that you and your selfless bravado only cares about what happens to me but I’m the one that has to deal with the wolf in person and I would be the one who has to deal with something happening to you. We don’t know that putting the wolf down doesn’t mean putting you down with it and that’s not even up for discussion. As a matter of fact, none of this is. The weapons, putting anything or anyone down, no. I mean it, Hunter. 

[private]

No, I thought we were going to keep it in the basement. We can put one at the top of the stairs the night of the change in the event it ends up breaking out. With Elizabeth at Blaine and Sebastian’s place, we won’t have to worry about her going near them and hurting herself. It’s just a fail-safe in case tying me up doesn’t work out. You’re busy worrying about me so I need to worry about you.

Stop calling it a him. It’s not a person or even an animal like Grizz– it’s a monster.

[Private]

 I don’t know how I feel about that but we’ll see. Because regardless-- if it isn’t me or Liza getting hurt it’s you. I don’t want you to get hurt because we’re hurting the wolf. If you want to worry about me and Liza then worry about yourself and the wolf, too. If anything happens to you...Hunter, physical pain couldn’t compare. I...I don’t know that I could live through losing you.

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I can’t believe we’re actually arguing about this. What if something happened with the wolf and it hurt Elizabeth? What if it turned her into an animal like what I am now? I could never forgive myself if that happened, Rach. If you won’t let us get a gun, then I’m at least going to buy bear traps. I’m going to keep my family safe one way or another.

[Private]

I can’t believe we’re actually arguing about this either, I can’t believe you would even suggest such a thing. What are bear traps going to do? are you going to set them up around the house and just wait for me or Liza to trip and fall into one? No, you’re not bringing any kind of weapon into this house. If you want to keep us “safe” from you then we’re going to do what I said an tie you up. I’m not worried about myself, Hunt. I’m worried about you. I can take care of myself and my daughter. It’s you and the wolf I’m worried about protecting. And like I said, Elizabeth doesn’t even have to be here when the wolf is here. We can track when he’ll show up and she won’t have to be near him right now while we’re figuring him out.

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I know you don’t like it– I don’t like it either. I’m just trying to think of the worst-case scenario. You just said the wolf is huge; there’s no way you can fight it off yourself and when I came home the night after last time, I was covered in blood. It’s dangerous and you need something to protect yourself from it.

[Private]

We don’t know what or whose blood it was-- it could’ve been another animal for all we know. It makes sense, an animal eating another animal. We’re going to figure out how to protect us. Us. Not just me. Us. We don’t even know that I need to be protected from the wolf. He was just as scared as we were whenever he...came alive. Maybe he’s harmless. I don’t really care, Hunter. I’m not getting a gun. We’re not having a gun in the house. Not with Elizabeth. What if something happened and she got hurt? All because you’re overreacting about this? Dealing with a wolf once a month would be the least of our problems if our daughter dies or gets injured at the hand of a gun that we bring into our home. No. We’re not doing it, I’m not doing it.

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I’m suggesting getting a gun and keeping it as a precaution in case something goes wrong on the next full moon. I promised that I would keep you safe but if I’m busy turning into a monster and potentially hurting you or Elizabeth, I need to know you’re ready to protect our family from it. I don’t like thinking about it but I don’t want to come out after the night oft the full moon alone.

[Private]

Something goes wrong. I don’t appreciate what you’re suggesting here and I’m absolutely not doing it. I’m going to protect my family but not by shooting my husband.  I don’t care what you turn into, a gun is not the answer. No. You’re not coming out after anything and being alone. 

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Okay. You have a better idea of what’ll work on it but we can brainstorm together on the best way to contain it. I think you’re right that the basement is our best bet; maybe we can figure out a way to reinforce the door, too. If we have the time, I think we need to go out and buy a gun. I can teach you how to use it.

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No, no way. I’m not getting a gun and keeping a gun in the house and I hope you are not suggesting that I would ever use it on you.

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Good. I promise to keep you safe against anything– that includes from myself, too. 

Whether they think we’re crazy or believe us and try to break down our doors– telling people will bring us and our family nothing but trouble. I’ll stop off somewhere after work and bring home a roll of heavy-duty chains… and I guess locks while I’m at it.

[Private]

And I promise to protect you at all costs, too. I don’t need to be protected from you, though. So stop it. Okay, I’ll meet you there. We’re going through his together, Hunt. All of it. I’ll drop Eliza off with Blaine and you and I can go do dinner or something, too. Or we can get food and bring it home and have a night in. I think we should spend some time together. It’ll make you feel better.

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I love you too. You’re my forever girl– never forget that.

So we’re agreed that we aren’t telling anybody about this. Not your dads, not Blaine or Sebastian– not even Elizabeth. Is the wolf big? Do you think we might need to use chains instead of rope? I can start moving stuff out from the basement so nothing important gets broken or damaged.

[Private]

Never, baby. It’s you and me against the world forever.

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You’re mines, too. Always– no matter what happens.

So we basically have about a week until Christmas, two weeks until New Year’s, and then I’m back to turning into a monster and potentially hurting someone or something. So what’re we going to do? Tie me up? Lock me in a room somewhere? I don’t think I can risk changing outside again…

[Private]

I love you, Warbler. Always. 

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I wish you were at least a little scared– if not for your sake, at least for Elizabeth’s. I don’t have any idea what this thing is capable of and if you were at least scared of it, I’d know you’d stay far, far away from it and whatever it could do to you. But I appreciate you being by my side… I don’t have any idea how I would handle this alone.

Wait, when’s the next full moon?

[Private]

I’m not going to let anything happen to Elizabeth. If it makes you feel better, then Eliza can stay with Blaine and Sebastian every month until we figure it out. It’s not going to do anything to me. Of course I’m by your side- you never have to do anything alone. You’re my partner, Hunt. Always.

[private]

I’m still wary and I’m going to be taking precautions but I’m glad you at least don’t have to deal with any anxiety worrying about that thing. I want to trust your gut too but I’m just afraid, Rach. Grizz hating me is the least of my worries right now.

No, I don’t. But so what’re you saying? That this is going to happen again– and that it’ll happen every four weeks for what, the rest of my life?

[Private]

I know, honey. That’s okay-- I mean, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that when I stop and really think about what’s happening I don’t have some anxiety. I’ve gone through my fair share of freak outs since it happened. I’m just...when I’m focused and it all boils down to it--I’m not scared of it. Of you. Never scared of you or anything that has to do with you. I’m always by your side, for better or worse. You know that.

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But you can’t possibly know that for a fact, Rach. I’m not trying to be stubborn– I’m trying to be careful because I love you two and care about your well-being and safety. That’s another thing I’ve been meaning to talk to about… Since that night, Grizabella has been avoiding me like the plague. I’ve had that cat for, what– almost ten years? And suddenly she can’t even stand to be in the same room as me.

… I can’t. You know that I can’t.

[Private]

No, I don’t know anything for a fact. I just know what my gut is telling me and it hasn’t done me wrong yet. My best example is still when everyone I knew was telling me that you were no good and that I should stay away from you but my gut told me that you were my person and look where we are today. I wouldn’t take it personally-- you probably just smell different to her. She loves you and she’ll come around.