wrath.

[Private]

I told you, I’m taking her to Blaine and Sebastian’s. We’ll go get the chains and locks or whatever and we’re gonna come home. We’ll clean up the basement, order food, and spend the night just the two of us. She’s not going to ask anything if you don’t act like something is wrong.

I am always going to worry about you. You’re my life, Hunt. You and Eliza are my entire world and I worry about both of you. Good, because if you bring anything like that home I will get rid of it. I’ll find it and I’ll get rid of it. 

[private]

I hope those two don’t start asking questions, either. If they start getting suspicious, I don’t know how we’re going to keep hiding this from them, either. I’ll move all the important stuff like the TV, couch, and the breakables and put it somewhere temporarily. I can always move it all back into the basement later. 

[Private]

Of course you label this conversation as moot– you just get to decide. It’s fine, you’re not listening to me anyway so it doesn’t matter. I’ll help you. 

I don’t know what else we can do. If we cancel Christmas everyone will be in our business wondering what’s wrong. I mean…I just…I don’t know, Hunt. I’m trying really hard here to deal with this the best that I can and it’s extremely hard. I know it’s hard for you, too. But I feel alone here because I’m the one who has to deal with it when you’re not here. I have to keep my family safe and do everything I can to make us look like there’s nothing wrong. I have to keep an eye on you and Elizabeth for two different reasons and not to mention my work schedule. I’m trying. And all of this talk of weapons and getting hurt are really stressing me out and it isn’t helping anyone. 

[private]

You already have your hands full taking care of everything and pretending everything is okay with everyone else; I can handle moving the stuff out of the basement. Maybe while I’m doing that you can keep an eye on Elizabeth. I don’t really know what to tell her if she starts asking questions.

[Private]

You are impossibly frustrating. You wouldn’t hurt a fly either and yet here we are having this argument about you attacking me or something. You don’t just get to decide if I would be dangerous or not if I don’t get to decide about you– that’s not how this works. Fine, you can bring them inside. But I will throw them back where they belong when it shows up. 

I planned on living our life like normal because what else can we do?

[private]

I meant you aren’t capable of hurting it even if it was barreling in your direction, out to hurt you. If the roles were reversed I think I’d at least be able to subdue you enough that you couldn’t hurt anyone. But the roles aren’t reversed and this conversation is moot anyway-- When we get home I’ll start moving important things out from the basement and I guess... wolf-proofing everything else so it can’t escape.

[Private]

No, I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a moment. I want you to explain to me what you would do if it were me. How you would feel. That’s fine, but we aren’t keeping them in the house and I won’t promise that I’ll use them.

Yes. Why? Did you want to make that announcement? 

[private]

Since I know I can actually fight off a rabid animal-- since I’ve already done it once before-- I can confidently say I’d be able to fight you off if you were to attack me. I could manage the situation if the roles here were reversed. I wouldn’t need to resort to traps or guns but you’re smaller than me and no offense babe, but you wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’ll find someplace to keep them but I’m bringing them inside on the night of the full moon.

[Private]

I told you I will take care of myself. You don’t know that nothing will happen to you, Hunter. I get that you and your selfless bravado only cares about what happens to me but I’m the one that has to deal with the wolf in person and I would be the one who has to deal with something happening to you. We don’t know that putting the wolf down doesn’t mean putting you down with it and that’s not even up for discussion. As a matter of fact, none of this is. The weapons, putting anything or anyone down, no. I mean it, Hunter. 

No, you didn’t ask for this. We didn’t ask for this, but it’s here and we have to deal with it. I doubt that it asked for this, either. My argument isn’t invalid just because you said it is and you’re being stubborn and refuse to see my side of this argument because you are out for it’s blood. “For all that we know.” Exactly. We don’t know. We don’t know it.

[private]

... Fine. Let’s just drop this for now since apparently we aren’t going to see eye-to-eye on it. I have no idea what to expect but clearly there’s no talking this through with you. Regardless of how you feel, I’m buying bear traps since you won’t let us get a gun.

[Private]

 I don’t know how I feel about that but we’ll see. Because regardless– if it isn’t me or Liza getting hurt it’s you. I don’t want you to get hurt because we’re hurting the wolf. If you want to worry about me and Liza then worry about yourself and the wolf, too. If anything happens to you…Hunter, physical pain couldn’t compare. I…I don’t know that I could live through losing you.

I’m not calling it a monster– we don’t even know it yet. For all we know it’s as scared as you are and it doesn’t have anywhere to go– you have me. I’m not misunderstanding something without knowing it, Hunt. I’ve been ignorant like that before – and my argument comes back around to had I misunderstood you like everyone else. 

[private]

If it comes after you, at least a trap like that might immobilize it so you can get away. Nothing is going to happen to me as long as you promise me you’ll keep yourself safe. We’ll do this together but the night that everything is supposed to happen, I want you as far away from me as you can. I’m not risking anything-- I’m not risking you getting hurt, even if that means I have to put the wolf down. I mean it, Rach.

[Private]

I can’t believe we’re actually arguing about this either, I can’t believe you would even suggest such a thing. What are bear traps going to do? are you going to set them up around the house and just wait for me or Liza to trip and fall into one? No, you’re not bringing any kind of weapon into this house. If you want to keep us “safe” from you then we’re going to do what I said and tie you up. I’m not worried about myself, Hunt. I’m worried about you. I can take care of myself and my daughter. It’s you and the wolf I’m worried about protecting. And like I said, Elizabeth doesn’t even have to be here when the wolf is here. We can track when he’ll show up and she won’t have to be near him right now while we’re figuring him out.

I wish you would stop being so stubborn about this. 

[private]

No, I thought we were going to keep it in the basement. We can put one at the top of the stairs the night of the change in the event it ends up breaking out. With Elizabeth at Blaine and Sebastian’s place, we won’t have to worry about her going near them and hurting herself. It’s just a fail-safe in case tying me up doesn’t work out. You’re busy worrying about me so I need to worry about you.

[Private]

We don’t know what or whose blood it was– it could’ve been another animal for all we know. It makes sense, an animal eating another animal. We’re going to figure out how to protect us. Us. Not just me. Us. We don’t even know that I need to be protected from the wolf. He was just as scared as we were whenever he…came alive. Maybe he’s harmless. I don’t really care, Hunter. I’m not getting a gun. We’re not having a gun in the house. Not with Elizabeth. What if something happened and she got hurt? All because you’re overreacting about this? Dealing with a wolf once a month would be the least of our problems if our daughter dies or gets injured at the hand of a gun that we bring into our home. No. We’re not doing it, I’m not doing it.

[private]

I can’t believe we’re actually arguing about this. What if something happened with the wolf and it hurt Elizabeth? What if it turned her into an animal like what I am now? I could never forgive myself if that happened, Rach. If you won’t let us get a gun, then I’m at least going to buy bear traps. I’m going to keep my family safe one way or another.

[Private]

Something goes wrong. I don’t appreciate what you’re suggesting here and I’m absolutely not doing it. I’m going to protect my family but not by shooting my husband.  I don’t care what you turn into, a gun is not the answer. No. You’re not coming out after anything and being alone. 

[private]

I know you don’t like it-- I don’t like it either. I’m just trying to think of the worst-case scenario. You just said the wolf is huge; there’s no way you can fight it off yourself and when I came home the night after last time, I was covered in blood. It’s dangerous and you need something to protect yourself from it.

[Private]

No, no way. I’m not getting a gun and keeping a gun in the house and I hope you are not suggesting that I would ever use it on you.

[private]

I’m suggesting getting a gun and keeping it as a precaution in case something goes wrong on the next full moon. I promised that I would keep you safe but if I’m busy turning into a monster and potentially hurting you or Elizabeth, I need to know you’re ready to protect our family from it. I don’t like thinking about it but I don’t want to come out after the night oft the full moon alone.

[Private]

And I promise to protect you at all costs, too. I don’t need to be protected from you, though. So stop it. Okay, I’ll meet you there. We’re going through his together, Hunt. All of it. I’ll drop Eliza off with Blaine and you and I can go do dinner or something, too. Or we can get food and bring it home and have a night in. I think we should spend some time together. It’ll make you feel better.

[private]

Okay. You have a better idea of what’ll work on it but we can brainstorm together on the best way to contain it. I think you’re right that the basement is our best bet; maybe we can figure out a way to reinforce the door, too. If we have the time, I think we need to go out and buy a gun. I can teach you how to use it.

[Private]

Never, baby. It’s you and me against the world forever.

No, we won’t tell anybody. I don’t think anyone will believe us so it’s just best if we keep it between you and I. The wolf is…huge. He’s at least a foot taller than you. 

[private]

Good. I promise to keep you safe against anything-- that includes from myself, too. 

[Private]

I love you, Warbler. Always. 

Yes, we’re going to have a nice family Christmas and New Years and then well figure it out together. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’m narrowing down our options but I think that maybe tying you up in the basement might be where we need to start.

[private]

I love you too. You’re my forever girl-- never forget that.

[Private]

I’m not going to let anything happen to Elizabeth. If it makes you feel better, then Eliza can stay with Blaine and Sebastian every month until we figure it out. It’s not going to do anything to me. Of course I’m by your side- you never have to do anything alone. You’re my partner, Hunt. Always.

January second. 

[private]

You’re mines, too. Always-- no matter what happens.

[Private]

I know, honey. That’s okay– I mean, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that when I stop and really think about what’s happening I don’t have some anxiety. I’ve gone through my fair share of freak outs since it happened. I’m just…when I’m focused and it all boils down to it–I’m not scared of it. Of you. Never scared of you or anything that has to do with you. I’m always by your side, for better or worse. You know that.

I don’t know one hundred percent yet, I’m still doing research– but I’m pretty confident that this is what’s happening. Until we figure it out, we’ll take whatever precautions necessary. I have the moon cycles written in my calendar already so we’ll just be cautious around the full moon this month. At least until we can find a way to stop it.

[private]

I wish you were at least a little scared-- if not for your sake, at least for Elizabeth’s. I don’t have any idea what this thing is capable of and if you were at least scared of it, I’d know you’d stay far, far away from it and whatever it could do to you. But I appreciate you being by my side... I don’t have any idea how I would handle this alone.

[Private]

No, I don’t know anything for a fact. I just know what my gut is telling me and it hasn’t done me wrong yet. My best example is still when everyone I knew was telling me that you were no good and that I should stay away from you but my gut told me that you were my person and look where we are today. I wouldn’t take it personally– you probably just smell different to her. She loves you and she’ll come around. 

Then you have no better explanation than mine? 

[private]

I’m still wary and I’m going to be taking precautions but I’m glad you at least don’t have to deal with any anxiety worrying about that thing. I want to trust your gut too but I’m just afraid, Rach. Grizz hating me is the least of my worries right now.

[Private]

Did you even hear anything I just said? Babe, if you’re going to be this stubbornly against me then this is going to be a lot harder to deal with. It’s not going to hurt me or Elizabeth. We should probably keep an eye on Grizzy, though. 

Okay then, explain to me what happened. I’ll wait.

[private]

But you can’t possibly know that for a fact, Rach. I’m not trying to be stubborn-- I’m trying to be careful because I love you two and care about your well-being and safety. That’s another thing I’ve been meaning to talk to about... Since that night, Grizabella has been avoiding me like the plague. I’ve had that cat for, what-- almost ten years? And suddenly she can’t even stand to be in the same room as me.