Rabid, No Rabies

Hello friends! I don't know if anybody reads this, but I figure I'm mostly writing to give my thoughts some organization. I moved across the country three months ago for a great job. I love the new city and my job ain't so bad. I immediately joined two soccer teams and met some people, in addition to already knowing a handful of friends in the city.

I stopped drinking February-September and I had never felt better - I lost weight and my mind was finally clear of most distractions. This was the first successful time I'd been mostly sober and I recommend an alcohol break to everyone. I felt almost obligated to start drinking again when I moved because it's such a social activity. I think I've become comfortable enough with my friends and the city to go back to sobriety. I'm also studying for professional exams again, so that's another reason to be sober.

Mostly I want to be sober again because it taints my decision making. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and very rarely are they beneficial long term. Long story short, I started sleeping with someone in a different dept at work.

Details: We met playing soccer and he's a generally nice guy. He's smart, athletic, and sociable. We got together on my birthday (two months ago) and he made me blueberry pancakes in the morning. He went out of town the next weekend, then we hooked up again on Halloween. I didn't think much of it because it was casual and I didn't feel any need to be serious with him. Nothing happened in November and I assumed he was flirting and maybe sleeping with other people. We were texting one night and he offered to stop by my apartment since he was out at some bars nearby. I said I couldn't have sex and he said we could still snuggle. We made out a bit and I actually felt like we connected and that maybe there was something more to whatever we were. The following week (this is last work week now), I kept thinking about it and how I needed to talk with him about whatever we were and that I am looking for something more serious. I had this plan to call him and just talk it out.

Friday night (seven days ago), we all planned on going to a basketball game together with our extended group of friends (8 of us?). I drank at happy hour after work and then we got dinner and went to the game. After the game, I planned to go home because I needed to study Saturday and couldn't be hungover. Well, of course, another girl from work met up with us and I wanted to hang out with her, so I stayed. We go to my guy's apartment and play drinking games. Of course I end up plastered. Somehow, I made the decision to leave my jacket and bag at his apt, and only take my wallet to the bars. During this whole time, I'd been chatting to another guy from work (in a different dept), who I had made out with once before me and other guy got together. When we made out, he was plastered and I wasn't drinking, so I would've felt weird if something happened. I'd seen him here and there at work, and we'd exchange hellos, but nothing serious. He's a good catch though. I just never had the opportunity to actually talk to him, until that night. Well, somehow in my drunkenness, he ended up coming home with me. I told him I couldn't have sex and that was no biggie. We made out a little and fell asleep. The next morning, we made out some more, had sex, and then I BLED ALL OVER. So then we took a shower, and I was only slightly embarrassed. We watched an episode of The League (wow I'm in love) and then he left. I hadn't spoken to him except for a few texts, during the week. 

Anyway, so with guy I'd been seeing and guy I made out with once, I didn't know what to do. Maybe they need names now. Guy I'd been seeing is now "Muscles" and guy I made out with once but now slept with is "Fiber." (Second conversation I'd ever had with him was about the benefits of fiber.) I got my bag and jacket from Muscles' house the next morning and he seemed sad, but I didn't know how to bring up the fact that Fiber came home with me. I like(d?) both of them and I didn't know what to do.

Sunday night, I texted Muscles "hey I don't know if you want to talk about last night, but feel free to give me a call," and he never responded. I hadn't spoken to him from Saturday morning until today when I saw him at the gym. We barely talked at the gym and now I don't know what else to do. He's a good guy and I don't know what he wanted with me, but whatever it was, I'm sure is over now that I slept with his friend.

Fiber was also at the gym today and I just waved at him. I don't know what to do since I like both of them. This is basically a no-win situation since they're friends and I slept with both of them. I think that's a huge sign that I'm not looking for something serious, but I am!

So that's where I am with guys (in this city at least). I think I need to move on from both of them since I really doubt either of them will express interest in me now. My main focus is exercise and professional development. I'm taking an exam in one month and I need to pass it. I need to focus on working out, being healthy, and passing exams. Enough with guys. I need to stop trying and focus on doing me.

This past fall, I met a nice, cute guy. What's funny is that I noticed him the first time I saw him and thought, "Wow that guy is pretty cute for being [his ethnicity]." I feel bad for needing to qualify that statement with his ethnicity, but it's a big thing for me to find someone not white attractive. He and I became friends quickly. More recently (about the past four months), I learned more about him and we became closer. Within the last few weeks, I've felt that we'd connected and I finally realized that there exist people with whom I am compatible. It was a scary discovery because I'm normally a very picky person. 

The past two weeks, I felt he was into me and interested romantically, beyond the already established very good friendship of discussing important topics; he would text and email me frequently. Last week, I thought I was making myself too accessible so I tried to get away from being in his presence (to help him recognize he likes me). I made the mistake of watching him build a bike for two hours, so then I wandered away later when we had met up with our friends. He immediately texted me asking where I had gone. I replied that I needed to sit outside and maybe eat, so he asked to join. We ended up sitting outside, drinking and having some good moments. Fast forward and he got drunk and I got tipsy, so we were slightly handsy. He ended up coming home with me and we snuggled for awhile, then it escalated to fooling around. We snuggled more in the morning and he kissed my back and would like, graze his hands on my body. 

Well this weekend was certainly eye-opening. I had no intention of getting obliterated on Friday night since I had work on Saturday morning. It was a friend's birthday earlier last week so I planned on joining him and his friends at a bar for one beer, maaaybe two, then calling it a night. Turns out those two beers led to another bar where we took shots and I lost all sense of time. I had a good time at the second bar, some other friends joined and I was slightly flirting with one of my newer friends. My college roommate bought me a jello shot then my new friends wanted to take a shot, so of course obliged since I was having a great time. Somehow I started flirting with a cute Kiwi boy who was visiting the States. Soon after, I found myself outside making out with him and things escalating. I remember stopping it since I felt trashy because we were literally making out in front of the residential area near the bar, aka in front of someone's door. I have no idea how I started talking about the guy who broke my heart (SIX years ago) but then I started crying and I literally have no recollection as to how things escalated in the wrong direction. Anyway, we went back to the bar and he told my friends that I'm crazy and then my friends and I left. Then I puked a bunch.

I read an article awhile ago that reported research by a professor of informatics and cognitive science that concluded the "magic number" of how many people you should date before settling down. This number is 12. The professor believes the best strategy for selecting an ideal mate is to date a few people, see what qualities you would like in a long-term partner, and then settle down once you've found him/her. This number intrigues me because I am above the magic number 12 - I think I have a decent understanding of the qualities I want in a significant other, but I don't think I recognize what it takes to settle down with that person. Also, because I think I understand what I need and want in a partner, does that mean I'll settle down with the first person that meets my criteria? 

I visited Oklahomie for Thanksgiving and stayed with him for four days, just us two in his house. Obviously we had a past, but somehow I still wasn't convinced anything sexual was going to happen while alone in his house for several days...yeah, I had a feeling something would happen, but we essentially were like a married couple that weekend. There was one night we both went to bed and after a few minutes he asked "so do you want to sleep or...?" and said he could go either way. I told him I wanted to sleep but we could have sex in the morning. A few minutes after that, I asked if that's what married couples do - talk about and plan sex. During this weekend, I realized that I couldn't marry him because of several qualities about him, not necessarily character flaws, but things that are disagreeable to me. While we have never dated, would he count as one of the 12 before I should settle down? Does four days plus some other nights here and there count?

Or, consider the guy I "dated" for most of freshman year of college. We never fought because I'd just leave campus and be alone when I was annoyed. We barely communicated and it was great because despite any problems we had, we knew we weren't staying together during the summer. Years removed, we're good friends and I have learned what I liked and disliked about him. I'd say, he'd definitely count as one of the 12 even though it was not a real relationship and we only kind of dated.

Maybe my "boyfriend" when I was abroad during college would count. We were involved for about six weeks before we came back to the US without ever discussing we were "breaking up." We travelled around the rather large country we were in for two weeks. Does he count? Again, we never fought and I got to be essentially selfish the whole time, never sacrificing anything to put his happiness above mine. Does he count even though we never dated? Of course he does. He is probably one of the most fulfilling relationships I've had. Words cannot describe how good of a person he is and how sweet and great he was to me.

I guess I have Tinder prospects in addition to the current standing pool of water that are my suitors. Both Tinder people were texting me this weekend, along with previously alluded "anonymous" who I refuse to make a post about.

Apparently I was being "cold," "angry," "snappy," and "prissy," on Friday night towards anonymous. okaaaaay. I apologized for behaving as such, dismissing it as "I'm over it," but he said, "I'm not over the way you treated me." So then I called him and I don't think either of us remember what was said...? He was snapchatting me Sunday and today so I guess things are okay now. 

One Tinder prospect is upset shocked that I haven't seen a particular sports rom com that he quoted to me...okay, sorry...

Long-Term Background: One of my good friends (Non-Athlete) lives in another city moderately close to where I live. We're friends from high school and I'm particuarly good friends with his mom. I hooked up with his older brother in 2007 and Non-Athlete knows this.

Last Summer (2012) Background: The past two summers (2011, 2012), he interned in a northern neighbor city and I'd met his other nerdy intern friends. During one weekend I visited, I made out with Heisman and the next night, had sex with The Doctor (guess what he's a doctor in. I promise you won't get it - it's not medical). The next morning after Doctor sex, I cuddled in bed with Non-Athlete and I'd classify it as potentially platonic / potentially flirty.

Last Winter (2012-2013) Background: This past January, I hooked up with Non-Athlete and it was underwhelming. Since then, we have only been platonic, if not, less close than previously.

Last Weekend Background: I went to the northern neighbor city because I had tickets to a fairly good football team's preseason game against another fairly good football team and also because I wanted to see the nerds again. We BBQed and drank at their house, named the Yale House (the street they live on is named after an Ivy and they call it ___ House). Currently, four people live at the Yale House - Heisman, Non-Athlete, Oklahomie, and new guy I've recently met - name TBA). These four also had tickets to the game and they joined us in our suite during halftime, where we continued to booze and eat. We went to grab The Doctor from his hotel room where his employer was putting him up for the summer. Then, we went to a few bars and my ankle started hurting (thanks ballet) so of course I drunkenly latch onto somebody - in this case, it was Oklahomie. All last summer I wasn't really into Oklahomie, but somehow I was slightly interested in him last weekend. When we got back to the Yale House, I was drunk and tired and needed to sleep. I stayed up for another hour probably and then retired to Non-Athlete's bed, where he had gone to sleep immediately upon our return from the bars. I won't lie, I took my sweet time getting ready for sleep since I would not have minded smooching Oklahomie. A large deterrent from anything happening was the fact that my girlfriend who is new friends with the group was stupid drunk and getting naked and simultaneously flirting with Oklahomie. Anyway! nothing happened between them and we left the city the next day for home. I won't lie, I definteily developed a soft spot for Oklahomie and we exchanged numbers and snapchats.

This Past Weekend: Okay so the main point of this post - this weekend. I visited them again this past weekend because there was a rivarly soccer game and the home debut of a rather famous new acquisition by rival team. I got into the city Saturday afternoon and got sushi and beer with another friend before going to the Yale House. Non-Athlete wasn't answering his phone when I arrived at his front gate, so I called Oklahomie, who answered the phone, "Hey babe" (aw?). He wasn't home but Non-Athlete called me back and all was well. I started casually drinking then the four Yale House guys, The Doctor, and I went to get food and beer. Suffice to say, I got drunk that night. After food and beer, we went back to the YH and two other friends from southern city arrived and we all went out to more bars. Somehow during our drinking, Oklahomie was telling me about last weekend and how my girlfriend was out of control. I told him I was annoyed by her, whatever whatever. So then I ask, "so if I were naked in your room, you wouldn't kick me out?" or something similar to that. He said something affirming and I kind of forgot about it. I didn't think much of it aside from a compliment. (Okay and side note, keep in mind I'm still slightly interested in Heisman, and The Doctor and Non-Athlete were also present in our group.) SO at this one bar we were at for a good amount of time, I'm doing whatever I'm doing (I think Heisman bought me a beer?) and then some SLUT who Oklahomie knows comes and basically inserts her body between his two legs since he's sitting. Hahah okay! I just patted him on the back and told him good luck. We briefly and intermittenly hold hands outside her range of vision, so I know he must be only minimally interested. Still, I'm not going to make a scene because I think this is hilarious and if he goes home with her, fine, I have every intention of sleeping in Non-Athlete's bed and not anybody else's. Eventually he leaves with her and I'm with the rest of the pack and we go home after Mexican food. LO AND BEHOLD, slut and Oklahomie are at the Yale House. HAHA COOL. Slut leaves and I'm 98% sure requests that Oklahomie walk her out...okay well they're 100% going to make out if not just go back to her place. Some time passes and he comes back inside and I'm getting ready for bed, wearing a Texas Longhorns shirt (he does not like UT). Apparently we had made it clear we're interested in each other (news to me), so when someone asks where I'm sleeping, I tell him "Non-Athlete's bed," but Oklahomie is pointing in the direction of his room...hmm okay. 

okay okay so now the juicy part: Oklahomie goes to his room and I enter a few seconds later. We make out (he has white sheets!!!) and eventually have sex, but GET THIS: we're both so selfish that it was easily some of the worser sex I've had. Hahahahahahahah. Also we made out for eternity, boooooooring. Post-sex, we don't cuddle and I go in and out of sleep until I got up, dressed, and went to the kitchen where no one else was (awake). The Doctor comes downstairs and we chat one-on-one for the first time since last summer. He leaves and then I get into Non-Athlete's bed, but leave like thirty minutes later when I hear voices in the kitchen.

I saw the Banker on Friday. It was okay. He was kind of flirty. 

Went out with a guy I technically met a few months ago, but actually started talking to as a result of Tinder.

Previously unmentioned gentleman is still kind of around...

My head hurts and it's not because I'm hungover.

Last night I went to a club/bar/what should I call it? and saw so many college friends, acquaintances, and oh, past lovers. (Do people even use the term "lovers" anymore?) It's fucking fantastic when I go somewhere and I have history with four out of 20-25 guys. Also, CANF's roommate offered to take me on a date once CANF moves out of the state...wait what? What? I am so confused. Then, of course I'm texting LTFB during the course of the evening so now I just want to go home - alone. A lady's got needs, but this lady has no patience and likes being alone.

CANF was all touchy and whatever and I am so so not feeling it. LTFB's reentry (haven't hooked up in two months) has unsurprisingly frazzled me and now I just want to be alone so no one bothers me. I wish I was more apathetic, which is funny because I'm already pretty carefree.

Okay so weird night last night. Let's start from the beginning of the day:

I get brunch with college-acquaintance-now-friend (CANF) because yesterday was his birthday. Super great brunch and things went well. In my head I'm thinking and finally concluding that things just aren't platonic between us. There's only one guy who I could make do the things CANF has been doing with me and that's because this other guy is my most platonic friend. Okay so with that realization in mind, I still don't know how to behave. He's moving out of the state in like a week in a half...

Fast forward to the evening. I got off work at 9pm and met up with him + a bunch of other friends at a brewery. Several things occurred here:

Guy I dated about a year ago was there. This guy, The Slapper (I guess that'll be what I call him), and I met at a show in April 2012. I wasn't feeling it but he was totally into me so I gave him my number just cuz. We went out a few times. I initially didn't like him, then I liked him, then I concluded that yeah, I really don't like him. The last date we went out, we ended up fucking and it was good sex, but he also slapped me a lot which isn't really my thing during first time sex. Right, so anyway he was at the brewery. We hadn't talked in probably 5 months or so, except for the random snapchat he'd send me...? I don't know.

Guy I've been fucking for the past 2+ years was there, unsurprisingly because we're all friends, but yeah, he showed up. We haven't hooked up since early March because I was out of town a lot in March and primarily because his ex-girlfriend visited and  they unquestionably fucked. I got really upset because she was here so I decided to not sleep with Long-Term Fuck Buddy anymore. Well so he shows up and I realize that yes, I do still like him, even though he is 1) not my type, 2) constantly high, and 3) a realiable cheater in that he always cheats on girlfriends. 

Okay so now that we know the key players - CANF is having a great time, as he should since it's his birthday. I mention something about how I don't want to drive home and CANF offers to drive me to my car in the AM and I can get a ride with them home after we drink. Okay sounds fine to me. I live less than a mile from them so great. I drink and I have a great time. I'm a little unsure of what I should do because on one hand I shouldn't chat with LTFB, but on the other hand, I kind of want to go home with him. Except, I also know CANF is feeling me and I've already decided I'm getting a ride home with them.

LTFB leaves around 11:30 since he needed to catch the last bus to his place on the opposite side of town from where I live. I text him, "I hope you miss your bus!" but meanwhile I'm also talking with one of his housemates who informs me that he knows "all about us." I, of course, am surprised since this guy shouldn't know anything about LTFB and me... so housemate says," I've heard from many people that when you guys get drunk, you basically rape him," to which I'm like "WHAT!!" Yeah so I'm obviously upset and confused because what. Like, in no way have I ever pressured him to have sex? Huh? Okay so LTFB texts me back, "might have not sure. but you can always venture to [his street name]." Okay so that's a good sign right? I respond, "Well [housemate] just told me I rape you when we're drunk so no thanks." Then he says, "Wait what? Those are his words. I think rape implies not enjoying it." Whew okay so I'm not that upset anymore, but still like what? Who would've told housemate about us? What??

Meanwhile I'm about to leave the bar with CANF and I'm slightly sad because I really like LTFB. During the car ride home, CANF and I get cozy in the backseat. It was kind of awkward and I wasn't sure what was going on exactly. We get to his place and somehow start making out, which is A-OK with me since kissing is no big deal to me. He starts undoing my belt and I kind of shut it down for a few reasons but only mentioning that it's my time of month and not my sudden realization that I just want to be home and not touched. He was fine with Aunt Flo, but I wasn't tryna get the pipe so we made out a little more. I mentioned something about not wanting to be his rebound since he just got out of a 2-year relationship. He said something dumb about how I'm not and that I'm "awesome." Haha wait what?? Anyway, somehow I slept well. He brought me to my car in the AM and whatever, it was fine.

OKAY so back to my text convo with LTFB. So he said the part about "rape implies not enjoying it" and then I said "Haha well maybe not tonight. I feel uncomfortable now." THEN he weirdly, sarcastically, gets apologetic?

Him: "Okay didn't mean to do that. Sorry"

Me: "Haha nope over it"

"I really don't know why he said that though. Is that why you're uncomfortable? Oh okay. Going home then? Was it something I did"

"No nothing you did. I just don't want to feel like I rape you, what."

"I was being sarcastic and I never told ___ anything"

"Haha god I hate you. No I know. I'm over it. Well rekindle later"

"Well shit I'm trying to get you to not hate me."

"Haha get out I probably can't ever hate you."

"Well what if I come to you or still a no. okay sorry if I'm being pushy"

"No come to me. If you're awake"

"[location] right? what's the address. and are you sure?"

At that point, I'm already in CANF's bed and I don't know what to do about LTFB. I don't respond and he sends a text 16 minutes later, "Alright night"

So that was weird for a few reasons:

We don't have lengthy text conversations

He doesn't come to my house. He has once in the 2+ years we've been together

He's never seemed to actually care about me

Heyoooo. It's been a little bit since I last popped on here.

Life is good. I ran a half marathon with some friends and saw many old friends in the city. Shout out to my high school and college buds. Also, a guy I went to middle school with was in my city and we got breakfast which was wild since I hadn't seen him since...2005? Eight years. Whaat. 42 person 8th grade for ya... #velocity

Banker Situation is old news. I've seen him once since I had to withdraw some money a week or so ago. Not sure what happened there, but I don't regret anything and I'm rather happy things didn't escalate. 

I've been hanging out with an acquaintance from college who is now my friend. I don't believe in platonic friendships, but this has been pretty G-rated. He's moving at the end of the month sooo there goes that. I'd probably date him if he was staying, but oh well. Funny thing is we made out during freshman orientation week of college then never really hung out the remainder (all) of college.

My parents were in town last week. They don't know I have a tattoo. I was freaking out so I bought a bunch of large bandaids, tattoo eraser pencil-stuff, concealer, concealor brush... and didn't have to use any of the stuff. Thank you poor weather.

Oh, but I did visit my grandma Saturday before Mother's Day. She is honestly the silliest lady. She lives in a retirement home now and understands a surprising amount of English, but doesn't really let that on. We took her to get her medicine on a different floor and she definitely understood what the nurse was saying...I wonder how much she understood of what I was saying...

Also, I should've known this, but my grandparents were arranged married. Kind of precious how arranged marriages work out rather well. I don't think it would've been that shunned against if they had split too, since there are a few divorces in that family...I love my grandparents. RIP grandpa. We went to his grave, which was one of the highlights of the weekend.

Okay, overall successful lunch date (pretty sure that's what it was). Unsurprisingly, he showed up a few minutes late (cooooool), but he apologized so whatever. We talked about a lot of things and there was never a lull in conversation - good. I'm actually surprised we have a lot in common... but then I got to actually see his teeth and I am not impressed. I'm like, very much disappointed in the state of his teeth. I don't know what to do about that. I got a bacon bleu chese salad and he got a taco salad (what?). He paid (because he stood me up before and he made clear it was his treat) and that was okay. At this point, I'm very surprised that we get along pretty well. He showed me all the stuff in his wallet (I'm weird, whatever) and it was normal - 3 cards, health insurance card, a business card. Okay then we walked outside and at that point, I was thinking, "what's gonna happen?!" as far as the good bye. He commanded me for a hug (okay so it's not a professional outing) and I gave him like an awkward one-arm hug because I wasn't sure if I should use two arms? I don't know. And that's it, we left. I'm going to call tomorrow to thank him since I realized I didn't say thanks at all...oops. In my defense, we were so busy talking about other things.