& another .

Fuck my brain just hasnt been able to slighy function the same since i lost custody.

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Fuck fucking everything.

The case was opened since her paternal grandmother, we were staying with, was arressted .

Courts werent even involved. Their only concern was that my depression and anxiety could interfere with my ability to support and properly take care of my daughter.

All i needed to close out their investigation, was a ride to their office 30 minutes away for an evaluation and to agree to be treated for both again. (Which i only stopped in. The first place since i was prescribed 2mg xanax daily (literally just so i was able to even take my daughter on a walk....or even the trash out fully outside/not just outside the door) and after 7 months , not only was my tolerance and physical addiction increasing, making me suffer withdrawal symptoms if i forgot to take my nightly dosage. .

But i relapsed with my substance usage, despite not even drinking since even a month before i GOT pregnant. (Her father seriously helped me get sober and out of a seriously dangerous lifestyle.. We just smoked weed.) And we ended up splitting up and i had to move back in with my parents, and the combination of everything (& i mean like YEARS of shit i bury in my brain to avoid even recognizing its real) , and my owm prescriptiom of xanax. Seriously triggered me to fall intoy old destructive ans damgerous coping mechanisms. ((( NO I NEVER FUCKING ALLOWED MYSELF TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER IF I WAS UNABLE TO. AND THOSE OCCASIONS WERE MAINLY ONLY FROM BEING OVEREXHAUSTED DUE TO ME STAYING OUT LATE AFTER PUTTING HER TO BED. OR RELATED TO THE GENERAL LACK OF SELF CARE IVE STRUGGLED WITH FOR A MAJORITY OF MY LIFE. AND DIDNT EVEN FULLY REALIZE HOW SERIOUSLY IT CAN AFFECT YOU ; lack of eating, lack of actually coping through traumas. Not just ignoring. And causing my brain to create "fragmented parts" , that get triggered by different physical situations. And a HUGE & still extremely difficult thing for me, actually validating myself and my emotions , subconsciously punishing myself for experiencing basically any emotion other than being okay; " not allowed to basically be affected by anything i was unhappy with. : "just get over it", "im overreacting" "im crazy " "its my fault" "i deserved it" "that didnt happen" ...causing me to literally emotionally/mentally detach myself from reality, because it became easier to feel numb and """okay"" rather than being told im NOT ALLOWED to feel eny emotion that didnt satisfy someone elses ) .

...

But anyway. Im already oversharing on the internet and still extremely emotionally vulnerable about anything to due with any of this. So im not going to explain everything about the subject.

AND I WOULD EXTREMELY APPRECIATE IT IF NO ONE SHARED THEIR OPINIONS WITH ME. THANKYOU.

(---i do want to mention that YES i am aware i made serious mistakes and bad decisions. YES i did/ continue to do things wrong and self destructive. But i NEVER put my daughter through any even potentially harmful situations. I feel as if my biggest mistake concerning her, was my lack of confidence in my capability of being her mother. And choosing to distance myself from her , asking family to take care of her instead, because "they were better than me" "she deserved more than i was able to provide" ... Looking back now..... I was a DAMN GOOD fucking mother. I like to think i still am. i ALWAYS try to do what is best for HER REALITY AND EXISTENCE ; STABILITY. Even if that means for me to not be around her, due to the fact she is PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of fully comprehending whats going on. . .unfortunately the emotional affects of being separated from my daughter AT ALL is so beyond any pain i could even attempt to describe. And will forever me THE HARDEST THING i could possibly experience in life. . but i can find peace with knowing that it ia for a reason, and truly is what is best for her. ; especially with consideration to child development; physical and psychological)

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I really do not want to explain anything further.

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I needed to allow myself to vent in someway.

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I needed to allow myself to experience the pain and everything associated with not taking care and raising my daughter anymore.

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I need to stop unplugging my emotions whenever i even slightly think of the situation.

The pain i physically feel in my chest and entire body when i think of her is not getting any better.

It is fucking killing me.

I cannot continue to fucking allow myself to ignore it.

I will either physically die from this shit.

Or i will fucking fight suffer through whatever emotional and mental HELL i have to , and actually BE PHYSICALLY, EMOTIOMALLY, AND MENTALLY , active in my life and existence. And reteach myself that I AM MORE THAN CAPABLE OF BEING THE MOTHER AND HUMAN I WANT TO BE. i am NOT forced to suffer inside this shell of a self destructive coward .

and FUCK ANY SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON THIS ENTIRE FUCKING EARTH THAT EVEN ATTEMPTS TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

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it is not for someone else to who or what i am as a person.