Shhh... Don’t Tell

Rapunzello called today and consoled me after the funeral. It was really sweet of him. He also got my letter and book! He said he won’t read it until his birthday though so I’m glad. Sadly I can’t talk to him on his birthday because I work when he has phone time. He said it’s possible that he might run out of phone money soon but he doesn’t want me to give him any money and that he doesn’t want that from me. That made me feel good n secure in that area. When he called back after yard time we had two more calls. Those went good we talked about traveling, my neighborhood, and tv shows. He told me that he really likes talking to me. N I told him the feeling was definitely mutual. He feels the whole past life deja vu thing with me too. Just as he was comparing my convos with him to his “fans” the phone cut off. We weren’t out of time. So I’m not sure if he accidentally hung up or the facility ended the call on me. Hopefully it was just an accident. I don’t want to get our calls taken away. They’ve made us so much closer. He didn’t call back after so I’m assuming he couldn’t. I hope he didn’t think I hung up on him. He said he’ll call tomorrow afternoon so I’ll guess I’ll wait until then. Hopefully he’s able to call tomorrow. I need to hear the rest of what he was going to tell me. I know one thing is forsure. I definitely have feelings for this man.

Today he called me again. We talked for about an hour straight and then he called me for another 20 later on. It was really nice as usual. All my doubts from the other day are put aside. This man keeps telling me stuff that blows my mind. First of all why is it that a man in prison has more respect for me than literally any one else I’ve dated. He said he knew I had a weird past and before I even thought of telling him about my sexual assaults he asked if I was comfortable being touched physically. And if I had anywhere I wasn’t comfortable with someone touching. That shit was so fucking sweet. Showed me he really is compassionate and cares. He also asked the materialistic comment in regards to dates and gifts from a significant other. I said I’m really not picky cuz I don’t get gifts at all so as long as someone thinks of me I like it. He couldn’t believe that I’d never ever gotten flowers from anyone. That kinda made me said because I guess I really have been treated like crap by these other guys and they don’t do even simple things for me. I’ve never once gotten a gift from the joker. And Rapunzello is here saying he would if he could. I need to stop giving so much to men that don’t care about me. That taught me something. It’s making me really sad thinking about more ways I’ve been hurt. But I hope that he ends up being the one that’ll actually treat me well. Also on the book catalogue he gets he was gonna buy the book I said I liked (book of awakening). And I thought that was so cute! I had to tell him not to buy it because I already bought it for him. He said thanks he appreciates it. I hope he likes the pictures I got him. And I hope he likes the book. We talked about relationships and stages of dating (talking, dating, dating exclusively, in a relationship) and he was asking what defines each stage and how do I like someone to ask me out. I gotta elaborate on that cuz we ran out of time. But I think he does like me. And idk if I would date him in prison. But I know I do have feelings for him. So I guess I have a decision to make. He told me a bit about his parole when he gets out. Apparently he has to be on house arrest for about 6 months. And then regular parole after to finish out 2 years. The only problem is he needs somewhere to parole at. His mom might be deported because she’s undocumented. The only reason she could stay so long is because of his little brother. That makes me so sad. He could parole at his homies house but they’re in gang shit and he doesn’t want to be apart or around it. They offered to get a place closer in the city but he still said it’ll be the same shit when he’s around them and he doesn’t wanna go back. I’m glad he said that. Makes me think he really wants to try n change and stay outta trouble. I just gotta pace myself. Knowing me I’ll tell him to parole at my new apartment.

Today comepletely threw me off. I had a really short 7 minute call with rapunzello before work. He called as I was brushing my teeth and about to head out the door. My fat ass was walking quickly and jogging across the street. And he asked was I speed walking cuz I was out of breath. I was so fucking embarrassed. Fuck I probably sounded so fucking fat. I hate myself. I wanted to burn and die that instant. And then he ended the call early so I could “get there on time” but I had a good 8 minutes to spare. That really upset me because in my mind he got off the phone after being disgusted by my fat ass breathing sounds. I literally wanna die. It made me spiral all day and feel suicidal. And then I made an excuse about planning a funeral so I left work early. Really I was just in such a bad headspace. My codependency has gotten bad because my whole day was ruined because of that interaction. I wanna crawl in a fucking hole. He said he’ll call Monday but what if he doesn’t. I’m so self conscious because the girls he draws are so skinny and have perfect bodies. And he works out 1-3x a day. I know he’s in shape and I look like a fucking sack of potatoes. Ugh. Why can’t I just look how I want to. I feel like I’m so out of shape now working out feels impossible. I don’t feel good after I always feel horrible. I wanna die.

Today rapunzello called me twice! Per usual our calls went really well. I think I actually am developing feelings for him. And maybe because he’s the only guy I’m talking to but there’s just something about him that attracts me. The convo we had earlier was funny because he got a letter while he was on the phone with me. But it was from another girl. He never met her before. But he called her his fan. Because she found him through his friends and she was talking about being a hoe and all this other crap. He said he probably won’t respond to it. But our letters are like night and day and he doesn’t think the girl had any self respect. So he didn’t like her. Made me feel better about myself. He’s always saying I’m so different than the other girls. Second time he called I was in the car w my uncle coming back from my cousin’s birthday dinner. He told me he sent me a letter in the mail yesterday and I should get it soon. He was really ominous about the letter. But he kinda briefly summarized it by saying that he gets a strange feeling when he talks to me. And he’s always heard people talk about that feeling you get when you meet someone but he never believed it until now. I think he’s basically saying that he likes me and gets a feeling of fate in a way. I hope that’s the case. Cuz I do like him back. There’s just something about him. I feel like I’ve known him in another life. And I feel like we’re supposed to be together or something. I’m meant to see him again. I’m not sure. Either way I’m super anxious to read the letter. I did give him permission to call me in the mornings from now on. Though I might be a bit groggy n tired. But to hear his voice more often and get that time is worth it. Besides I probably shouldn’t be sleeping in so much. He told me he works out 1-3 times a day. That’s insane to me lol. But I guess what else do you have to do. His body is probably so nice lol. I told him he can make me a lil workout plan. I wouldn’t mind. Maybe I’ll actually do it since he’s tell me about it. That’d be kinda cute. Anyway here’s to hoping he can call me tomorrow 🤞🏾

My prison boo responded to my last messages! He sent 3 whole parts of a response! Apparently he sent those before the picture response but mail is just slow. So now I know to just be patient. The stuff he said was really sweet. He’s also really funny. I like that he’s a little sarcastic and whitty. He told me while he has gotten other messages from strangers I’m the one he’s most interested in chatting with by far. He’s a tiny bit flirty too which I like. Idk I have a good feeling about him. As if I was meant to meet him. I wanna do his birth chart lol. So far the stuff he’s said about his loyalty and his passions make me really attracted to him. Hopefully we can phone call or video visit soon. I definitely want to send him a birthday card for next month. And some more pictures. I just find it funny how someone in prison is literally more interested in getting to know me than literally 90% of the guys I’ve dated. Maybe it’s a good thing. I’m not saying I wanna marry the man. I’m not saying I wanna date him. But I’m not going to lie and say the thought of us being together once he gets out has definitely crossed my mind.

I need new friends. I have like one friend and that’s Sixela. And I’m getting really annoyed an irriated with her lately. From her complaining about guys all the time when she’s being a hypocrite. How are you going to flip out on a guy because you stalked his twitter and found out a girl MENTIONED his name when you’re having sex with 4 other guys behind his back. You claim oh I would never talk to more than two guys at once. But you literally are. Every 5 minutes there a new guy. It’s hard to even keep track of who tf you’re talking about because there’s so many it’s annoying. You’re spoiled. For once stop complaining about shit. You’re complaining about going back to work and losing unemployment benefits to someone who literally hasn’t gotten fucking paid. And you’re sitting here buying $1500 purses and going on trips in the middle of a pandemic. Like sit down. “Oh I don’t go out I’m kinda scared I wear my mask.” BULLSHIT. You went down south and went to a kickback everyday you were there. You went to Champagne and we’re at another party. You go to stores every day. You fuck random ass men weekly. You bought more flights to go out. You’re eating in public places. Like fuck off. I have no desire to be around you right now. And frankly I don’t even feel comfortable hanging out with her. It’s dirty. It’s annoying. I’m sick of it. Like shut up and look at yourself. Cuz half the shit she complains about all the time SHES DOING. And when you try and point out that she’s a hypocrite she wants to talk over you and say no no because I’m right and no. Like don’t even ask my opinion or tell me your problems if you’re just gonna talk over me and not listen. I need new fucking friends. She’s actually psycho when it comes to guys. Like fuck you’re the most paranoid person ever and for what. Like you don’t have a relationship because you’re doing all this shit not because guys are dumb. Like she’s cool sometimes and we have good convos sometimes. But I’m mainly friends with her and talk to her so much because I don’t have other friends. I’m starting to ignore all her calls. Like leave me alone. Saying you’re only gonna talk for a bit and then you go on a 2 hour rant about some shit I don’t wanna hear. Like I’m busy. Bye. Selfish af.

I miss my prison penpal. I hope he’s okay. Add I hope he still wants to talk. Maybe the mail is just really slow. And that’s why I haven’t gotten anything. I sure hope he still cares to talk. If not I’m gonna be sad.

I’m so sick of this girl telling me about the 10000 men in her life. Like you get so mad when you find out a guy is talking to another girl besides you. Yes you just brought up 6 other guys just tonight. And you’re mad he’s lying about it???? You’re lying to him. You just had another mans dick in your mouth n went out of state to fuck someone else and you’re having a meltdown because some girl TWEETED about another man you like. Bye. Like check yourself. The only way you’re not gonna get cheated on again is if you stop doing the same shit. Karma is strong. Learn to close your legs and stop seeking validation from any man you can. It’s exhausting being her friend sometimes.

I’m starting to think to myself that make the reason sex w the joker was so good before was because I was in love with him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m out of love with him or he’s out of love with me but tonight wasn’t that magical moment I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been dreaming and fantasizing about being with him again. But now that I’ve done it... I’m let down. He was the best I’ve ever had. But maybe that’s because I loved him and he loved me back. But now it’s not there anymore. We lost us. And at this point. I don’t think it’s coming back. I think it’s officially time I move on. Part of me still loves him though.

First time having sex in exactly 8 months. Had sex w the joker in exchange for the forbidden candy. It was okay. Not everything I imagined. If he would’ve kept going a little longer. And if he would’ve ate what was in front of him it would’ve been a 10/10. Also he decided to wrap it which was weird because we haven’t in so long hmmm. I do have some more candy that I can hopefully use to my advantage. I have to plan when I want to use it carefully. Otherwise I’m going to have to wait a whole month for new candy. Ideally next time I can go over to his house. I think then we could go multiple rounds.

I went on that write a prisoner site and I ended up meeting a guy. Not sure what to tag him as yet. Something secret so no one will know who he is. Anyway... the guy is decent looking. He’s my type anyway. Someone I think I’d normally go for. He’s not a Maluma hot but he’s definitely cute. And his bio interested me. I know he does want more based on what he said. But I know I need to take it slow. I just ended things with the count. And I’m still damaged from the joker. Also it’s hard to really date someone who’s incarcerated. He is getting out soon. So maybe it’ll be something good? I just hope he isn’t using me for money or a place to live or something. He seems like a nice guy. And I wanna see where it will go. I might be crazy for this.

I fall for people way too quickly. I think it’s because I want to be loved so badly. Some people might say it comes off as desperation. I’m not sure. But I need to find someone to love me. Because the longer I go without that the more I hate myself.