Quran-a-van

“Woe to those that deal in fraud - who demand of other people full measure for themselves, but when it is they who weigh or measure for others, give less than due. Do these people not realize that they will be raised up on a mighty Day - a Day when mankind will stand before the Lord of the Worlds?” (413:1-6)

And what do we do when our entire economic system deals in fraud? From ‘Free Trade Zones’ to the World Bank to the ongoing regime of economic liberalization which has subjected so many in the Two-Thirds World to conditions of slave labor and the destruction of local economies.

My black dress from Etsy arrived in the mail today. I bought it from a retailer in Thailand who hand sews and ships her dresses from her home studio. It was relatively pricey, but the dress represents the turning of a new page. Simple, modest, versatile, and skillfully tailored with quality fabric - it is the last article of clothing I plan to purchase for a while. 

This is the journey I’m taking with God. To simplify my life and my relation to the material. To live a life that is not so heavily built on the oppression of others. 

I go to Body Shop hoping for reprieve from the barrage of “Made in China” tags. There’s a sale - buy three items, get three for free. I find a nude color that I like and ask the lady if the ingredients for their lip butter are all fair trade. She says most of their products have at least one ingredient produced in their fair trade communities. I glance at the label: “Made in Indonesia,” i.e. still manufactured in sweatshops. I leave it in its place and walk away. ‘Really, I don’t need it anyway...’

I’m tired of the intricate mirage of capitalism. The mirage that this is progress, that we need more, whilst others manufacture our lives on less. I’m tired of FTZs, factory fires, the onslaught of ‘upgrades’ which enslave us, and a culture that is never satiated with what it has. Trips to the mall have become a practice in tazkiyyah.

I ask God to help me live on less with justice and resourcefulness. If Allah grants me sustenance in this world, I pray to use it in the cause of abolition - not that white savior stuff.  Rather, I seek to minimize my slavery to ‘stuff’ - the spiritual slavery of materialism and the physical conditions of slavery that my consumption produces for others at home and abroad. May God free us.

So lately I’ve been doing this thing... In my head, I call it Qur’an and cardio. I combine my daily workout with my daily memorization - jogging on my treadmill as I listen to and repeat (very loudly, from my diaphragm between gasps for the breath) the recitation of my daily memorization goals. It’s an affair of huffing and puffing - one I would not want people to witness - but I love it. I have never been this consistent about my physical OR spiritual workout Alhamdulilah. 

Huffing and puffing, I strive to remove the excess from my life and to sweat the toxins out my body and my heart which lead to grief, stress, worry... 

I love reciting a page from my week of memorization whilst doing a plank or wall squat. Each ayah and each word pronounced loudly and clearly on my tongue to distract from the pain building in my muscles. Alhamdulilah - I am building strength and discipline.

In all of this, I’ve decided to hide my scale - out of sight and out of mind. My workout is sacred now. It’s not a number on the scale nor is it a dress size. 

Soon after his first encounter with Gabriel AS, the Prophet SAAWS was shaken and scared, asking his wife Khadija RAA for cover. Two surahs which addressed him in his early reception of the message were Surat Al Mudathir and Surat Al Muzzamil, addressing the ‘one who is covered up’ and the ‘one who is wrapped up’ respectively. The former was a call towards actions that were primarily external: ‘rise and warn,’ glorify Allah, keep yourself clean, and patiently persevere. The latter was a call towards actions that were primarily internal: rise up in the night and pray, read Qur’an as it should be recited, make dhikr or remembrance of your Lord... 

Also, I haven’t slept much because of finals (and post-Ramadan residual insomnia). So yeah, I’m cranky. 

Yesterday, when I was in line to get lunch, the man behind me asked to take a picture with me “because they want to take pictures with people from other countries.” Normally, I’m all about dawah and would’ve taken it, and explained “I’m from here besides!” but I just wasn’t feeling it. Later, when the lady called out my order, she butchered the pronunciation of my name — twice.

Usually, these things barely register on my radar, but right now I’m cranky. As I walk out of the lunch place, I’m feeling alienated and lonely — why am I seen as being so foreign? And then from behind me, literally half a block down, I hear someone yell “assalamu `alaykum!” I turn to meet a medic from Dubai, who through his simple greeting, reminded me of the greater human family I belong to. 

God suffices for us in so many ways subhan’Allah - I felt His Mercy in that simple moment of connection. It reminded me that I’m part of the larger natural order -- sometimes one disparate part will feel out of place in its orbit. But eventually the greater pattern will always emerge.

I’ve been thinking about circles. When I think of God, I think of His attribute of Oneness, and Unity, which reminds me of a circle — similar to the tawaf made around the Kabaa’. 

There has been the closing of a lot of circles in my life lately.

Nouman Ali Khan, when he explains the internal structure or unity of a surah, describes an almost cyclical structure; the first verses link up with the last; the second set of verses link up to the second-to-last; and so on. The natural order of things is not linear. Straight lines are rare in nature, yet humanity superimposes this rigidity onto everything. 

"You know what's funny about shaking trees?

It's not you that makes the fruit drop. 

So technically whatever comes is not expected. 

You may shake one tree and find gifts elsewhere.”

the process:

listen to the passage

look at meaning, read the tafsir if you have time

recite and memorize

contemplate

recite in your prayers

if possible, contemplate the verses during tahajjud

my body, mind and heart feel depleted. it’s from a number of factors: an emotionally tumultuous week, insomnia, the onset of a mild cold... it feels like ramadan was so long ago.

this is a time of weakness. i’m surprised it came so fast, and yet -- i don’t feel hopeless.

God is al-Wakeel. Today, He preserved my iman by sending me the right reminder at the right time.

I hosted some sisters for a small celebration, and we asked one of the sisters (a hafidha) to share a reflection. since we were celebrating the blessing of a new child, she reflected on the many stories of children in the quran: maryam giving birth. zakariya asking of Allah and being granted yahya.

then, this woman who has preserved the quran in her heart said something simple. she said: be grateful, trust God, and stand upright in whatever circumstance He grants you.

the key to this, she said, is to trust God. there are four ways to achieve this:

what: remember the numerous blessings of God upon you.

where: understand that you are in the place you are meant to be in.

when: remember that God’s timing is perfect.

how: remember that God’s way of bringing about things is also perfect. have patience. 

sisters, she said, be upright. stand up straight in each circumstance and take advantage of it. because as imam shafi’i said in some of his poetry:

Let days go forth and do as they please And remain firm when settled is the Decree [...] No sadness lasts forever, nor any happiness And you shall not remain in poverty, or any luxury [...] Your provision will not be decreased due to life’s delays And it cannot be increased due to your haste [...] If, in your heart, you possess contentment Then you and those who possess the world are equal

later, i came upon a conversation where this sister was advising someone who wanted to memorize the quran. again, her advice was simple yet profound: when you commit to memorizing the quran, you do not know if you will finish it. death has been written for all of us. you commit to, no matter what happens, never giving up.

in this journey of the qur’an, one thing has become abundantly clear. my recitation of the holy book is not - quite - beatific. i don’t know how this has happened. i studied tajweed every day for years as a child, until i finished reciting the whole qur’an, and even had a ‘hadya’ - a cultural tradition in my family where you have a party to celebrate when a child finishes reading the qur’an. i remember proudly reciting two pages from surat rahman in the masjid’s multi-purpose room, in front of maybe a hundred of our family members and close friends, a crooked flower crown on my head. i was probably around eight years old.

i also studied tajweed, later, in college. and then again, when i graduated, with a kindly grandmother in my city, who would put up with my crooked headscarf and glasses at our early morning meetings. i took a course with bayyinah, and studied it again with a stern not-so-local teacher who was renowned for her mastery of the qur’an. 

and yet, my tajweed isn’t great. this morning, during my online meeting with a qur’an teacher from canada, i stumbled through the fatiha -  the opening chapter to the qur’an, which we recite every day in our prayers. the `ayn came from too high in my throat, and my ha wasn’t breathy enough. i didn’t hold the beat on my nuuns and meem sakoons for two and a half counts.

and yet, God says: 

“And We have certainly made the Qur'an easy for remembrance, so is there any who will remember?” (Qur’an, 54:17)

i know this journey is going to be hard, and it’s going to take a long time, and i hope the qur’an becomes my most intimate friend. i hope it becomes my daily, hourly, moment-by-moment conversation with God. does not every relationship start with a few hiccups, with a little bit of adjustment, with some sacrifice? 

“The one who struggles with it [reciting Arabic during prayers] is the one who is hesitant in his recitation because he is not able to memorize it well. He will have two rewards: the reward for reciting it and the reward for his efforts in reciting it.” - Imam Al-Nawawi

i must remind myself: al-Hadi is the Guide. He is the one in charge of this process, which is happening on multiple levels: personal transformation, physical transformation, intellectual transformation... 

and so today, while at the grocery store, i ran into my old qur’an teacher. the kindly one, whom i hadn’t seen in years. surely, God does manifest Himself in many ways. 

it’s the fifth day after `eid and satan has come out swinging. his weapon of choice? fitna. 

i’ve been embroiled in conflict. my gaze feels red at the edges, the anger is so quick to light. toxicity doth seep into the water of life...

but it is through this trial that i am brought back, again, to the remembrance of God. 

           remember - treat others as He wants, not as they treat you 

           remember - humble yourself, and He will elevate you

satan, you may know my nafs. but you will never win against God. please, Lord, perfect my adab. rectify my character. grant me patience and hikma.

Definitions of صبر (verb) in the Hans Weir Arabic Dictionary: 

1) to bind, tie, fetter, shackle (ه s.o.); 

2) to be patient, be forbearing, have patience, take patience, persevere; 

3) to bear calmly, patiently, stoutly, endure (على s.th.); 

4) to refrain, abstain, desist (عن from), renounce (عن s.th.);