if this post managed to leave my queue, then I successfully committed suicide last night.
I had autism and avoidant personality disorder and I desperately wanted to be loved and experience the companionship that everyone else seems to find so easily. Every social interaction, no matter with a stranger or my best friend, felt like daggers in my chest with every possible response being interpreted as rejection. It was so painful and I had experienced this for so long that I couldn't continue living. I was so fucking lonely that I couldn't take it anymore.
please understand that this was not an impulsive decision. I poisoned myself with sodium nitrite after months of doing research and preparing. I did not suffer. any pain or fear I felt was dulled by a large dose of benzos and painkillers, and I likely lost consciousness within minutes.
I'm sorry avery and rosie. I wish my brain was less broken so I could have been a better friend to you both. I love you and I wish things could have ended differently.
goodbye.
