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I guess, after five years, I just have to scratch that itch and don’t care anymore. I’ll write it here: the platform reminds me of my last one (fandoms, anonymity, text-based, can be anything you’d like). I’ll just write, not thinking too much about the structure. It’ll be in English because it’s not my native language and you have to use something not to forget it. I’ll talk about whatever topic comes to mind and I’ll try not to loop (I have a tendency to talk about things again, and again, and again to the point where it’s unhealthy for me).

Let’s make this post the first one, the about me one. I’m a seasoned oversharer, but for now I’ll try to keep it less personal, less identifiable and then we’ll see how it goes. The deal is ten facts: eight neutral, two keeping it real (i.e. about life problems):

1. Name’s Jay;

2. quietorbit84 is the handle ChatGPT chose for me. I don’t like picking names, so I asked it to do it for me. Before the Chat, I’d just go to random name generators. I liked its reasoning behind the handle: evokes observation and reflection, calm but not dramatic. I’ll try to go for this vibe. 84 is not my birth year, Tumblr just said that the handle was already taken, and I love Orwell’s 1984: I love dystopias, and this is, I guess, the darkest one I’ve ever read. And it’s a number, a year. So, every time I need to pick a year, I choose ‘84;

3. I’m in Israel, but I’m not from Israel;

4. Age bracket: a younger Millennial;

5. I can say that I love stories. I love everything: TV shows, movies, books, games, sometimes I like to think about stories to write. My one true love are TV shows, I find time to watch something every day. For me, it really is a hobby, not just a way to pass time;

6. I’m asexual (seems random, but it does shape a lot in life!);

7. I’m female;

8. I’m curious about a lot of things in life. I love languages (English is my one true love, but forgive me for my mistakes, I have to switch between three languages on the daily, and English is the least used one for me), psychology (but not therapy culture), financial literacy, tech;

9. I’m.. let’s say, chronically unwell. I can’t say I’m disabled or chronically ill because I think these are official diagnoses and I don’t have them, but my energy levels and overall wellbeing (both mental and physical) haven’t been great for the past ten years. I find it important to mention because it does influence my life, how I see my life and what I can do with my life. I’ll try both to talk about it and not talk about it too much, for my own sake: writing things out is a magical tool that affects your life, so, one needs to use it wisely not to hyperfocus on the issues;

10. I’ve seen some shit in my life, and, I guess, I’ll process it here, too. I’ll try not to do it too much and I’ll try not to leave such posts without hope and resolution.

1. It’s a guide to cPTSD by some trauma coach. It has a lot of useful tips to look at when you’re dealing with trauma. You don’t have to read it in any particular order, just open whatever is relevant right now and start:

2. This one is an aro/ace guide with a lot of descriptions of different types of attractions, a lot of answers to different questions connected to aromantism/asexuality. It’s written in a really thoughtful and careful way so that you don’t feel any pressure to label yourself. I’ve read a lot of guides, information, half a book on the topic, so I’m no stranger to the definitions. And I still found there a lot of stuff I struggled to understand explained in a manner that helped me understand myself better:

The first one. I live in Israel, and there are a lot of terrorist attacks here lately. I live in a quieter area (not Jerusalem or Tev Aviv), but it’s all relative because Israel is a small country. One day, I was traveling to work through a central bus station. Suddenly, I thought “hmmm, it looks like a place where a terrorist attack can happen”. I didn’t read anything worrying on the news that day. There were no attacks in the area lately. I wasn’t especially anxious that day, I was just going to work, like always. Half an hour after I left the station, I read that a terrorist attack has happened there.

The second example is more positive. My cousin has been dating a guy for six years. They’re young, she’s just finished her studies, they live together. I heard from my mom that they’re traveling and thought “they’ve been together a long time, he’ll probably propose soon”. The next thing I heard, he proposed on the trip.

Look at Serena Joy. She wanted a better society, a religious traditional society where everything is according to God. But she didn’t mean for the society to be what Gilead turned out to be: no reading, no writing for women. You can see the same thing with Commander Lawrence: he was also displeased with Gilead in practice.

I think it happens because every society is not built by one person. It’s always all kinds of people with all kinds of motivations. Not everyone wants to build a new society because they’re an idealist. Some — a lot — of people want it for their own gain, to better their position, to oppress others. So, every good but extreme idea that involves strict control and intimidation becomes something no one actually intended it to be.

I thought about it while watching the scene in season one where Fred tells Serena that once they overthrow the current government there will be a lot of pain, and she says “There’s so much pain right now, too, we’re saving them”. For me, the difference between a free and not extreme society and a totalitarian society is that there will be pain in any case. But in a free society where there’s a little bit of everything people have a chance at finding the thing that makes them happy. In Gilead, there’s only one way to live, and everyone who can’t be happy with it doesn’t have a choice.

I’ve noticed through the years that a lot of people who’ve been in long-term therapy are even quicker to judge others and can be more cruel to those who they think are toxic. They’re even less likely to actually try to understand what’s going on for that person and try to be compassionate than someone who’s never been in therapy. And by that I don’t mean people-pleasing. By that I mean at least not bullying someone who’s behavior they don’t like. I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen it with others: when therapy-goers don’t agree with someone, even if the discussion is civil, they think that their healing gives them the permission to be aggressive towards someone they think is toxic. Toxicity can be just another person’s trauma and their depression: negativity is toxic, how dare they “trauma dump”, even if the person is not aggressive at all, just defeated. And therapy-goers then think that instead of saying that they unfortunately don’t have the resources to listen to the person and distancing, if they really are annoyed that much, start bringing the person down: “you’re toxic”, “you violate my boundaries”, “you have no regard for others”. It can get to actual ugly bullying even.

These descriptions didn’t seem enough to me, though, I felt like they’re not grasping the difference between a romantic and a platonic relationship fully. These explanations basically express my feelings towards a person, but not a relationship. When you ask people or ChatGPT what a romantic relationship is, what romantic gestures are they answer with an amorphous “anything can be romantic as long as you feel that it’s romantic” which doesn’t help to understand the word “romantic” itself or give the usual kissing, looking at the stars, going on dates which for me can also be platonic.

Well, yesterday, I read a random post on Facebook that helped me finally put a finger on it, on this difference: a woman complained that her relationship with her partner is safe and calm, but there’s no spark, no play in it, so she feels like it’s a parent-child relationship. I don’t know her full context of the relationship, but I suddenly understood: yes, that’s what I value and what I’m looking for. In my partnership, when I say I’d prefer a platonic partnership, I want this exact atmosphere: no playfulness, no spark, no emotion. Just quiet positive regard, unconditional loyalty, and being a safe haven for each other. I don’t mind a spark, but for me it’s a bonus, not a prerequisite for a partnership. A spark is only a prerequisite for a fling. And in a partner, I’m looking for reliability first and foremost.

I’m not sure if I’m aromantic. When I read asexual subreddits, I feel like I relate to them a lot. When I read aromantic subreddits, I don’t really relate to them… It feels like a lot of people there want just superficial friendships, just to hang out with someone and don’t want deep commitment, and that’s what they call aromanticism. And for me, even if romance is really not relevant, I am looking for a really deep commitment, cohabitation, a mortgage together, maybe children if it’s feasible. I’m not sure if it’s because a lot of people on the subreddit are in their early twenties and at a different stage of life, no one states their age there. But, anyway, I don’t really relate to that…

I’ve suffered from mental health issues and health issues for a long time. Still pretty much do. But after 15 years of suffering, trying, therapy, doctors, I came back to one simple truth: the most important thing is the basics. And the basics are sleep, nutrition, and exercise. You don’t have to be perfect at it, but if you feel depressed, out of energy, sick, unwell all the time, first try to focus on these three and then see what’s left. Once I watched some therapist YouTube video, and he was talking about how the first step for working on your traumas is not therapy. It’s actually these basics. Because without them, you never know if it’s just your body that is stressed or if you really have traumas and issues. Your brain just doesn’t operate at an optimal level to understand that.

What I mean by sleep, nutrition, and exercise may vary. Everyone has their circumstances, and something as simple as sleep can be hard (no opportunity to organize a quiet environment for yourself, severe insomnia, rocket alerts in the middle of the night for people who are in war zones etc.). But we still have to strive. So, what I mean:

1. Sleep. Ideally — find out how many hours a day your body needs. It’s different for everybody. If you go to bed at the same time every day, wake up at the same time every day and don’t feel overly tired during the day, that’s probably what your body needs. You can’t negotiate with it. Minimally, if this is unattainable, one should I try to sleep for 7-8 hours a day. And by sleep I don’t mean be in bed, but actually sleep. So, if it takes you half an hour to fall asleep, then to sleep for 7 hours you need to be in bed for 7 and a half hours. The absolute minimum for an adult is 6 hours, but you shouldn’t do it for long. If you can’t do that for any reason, still focus on your sleep and try to prioritize it as much as you can. If you’re only able to sleep for 3 hours a night, try to make it 4 or 5, or take naps (it’s unhealthy, but it’s about survival by this point). And so on. Always strive for sleep.

2. Nutrition. I’m not good at it myself, so I can’t say eat this amount of carbs, that amount of proteins, and make sure you get enough fiber and that’s how you do it. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I know everything. But the minimum here is just eating. Normal food — maybe not the healthiest, but normal. At regular hours. So, if you’re bad at cooking yet or can’t afford much food or don’t know how to plan your meals yet, just aim at eating proteins and complex carbs for breakfast (we all know what a good breakfast is, like eggs, or toast with avocado, or Greek yoghurt, or whatever), meat (fish, chicken) and a side for other meals, and healthy snacks if you need them (fruit, vegetables, nuts). Eat within one hour of waking up and then at least every six hours. That’s the minimum. It can probably be upgraded, I just don’t know how to do it myself yet. And I’m sorry I can’t give vegans tips, I can barely give nutrition tips to myself at this point. Oh, and drink water. But not too much, too. Yes, you can drink too much water and get water poisoning. Just aim at checking in with yourself every half an hour up to two hours if you’re thirsty and sip water.

3. Exercise. Again, nothing crazy, everyone has different health, and I’m definitely not talking about daily gym sessions (can be nice, but most of us won’t start there, even if get there with time). But just 30 min daily walks make a big difference in energy levels and brain fog. If it sounds too daunting, start with 5, 10, 15 mins and increase every week.

At first, you’re in shock and just trying to survive. You lose everything, your living situation changes drastically. You lose home and have to move into a camp (for immigration, can be a refugee camp, a dorm room, a crappy rental — depends on your situation and the country to which you immigrate). You learn a new way to live: how to fight zombies, hunt, set up camp (that is, learn a new language, rules of the new country, bureaucracy). You lose your identity: you’re not a lawyer, or a cop, or a pizza delivery guy anymore, you’re something else, maybe nothing (the way you have to reinvent yourself in the new country either by working minimum wage jobs or learning a new skill and building a career). You lose your routine: no more date nights, no more hobbies, no more tomorrow. Lose your family and friends (well, these two are pretty transferable and straightforward). All your thoughts are focused on survival: enough sleep, enough food, keeping a roof over your head. And this stage lasts a long time. Years (and remember, it took Rick’s group around a year and a half or two years to get to Alexandria, five seasons. And I think it’s actually fast.).

And then it’s not just over and you go back to life again — no. You just get used to the chaos. Get used to walkers. To dealing with them. To hunting. Get some fragile place you can call home, just like Alexandria in seasons five-eight when they still had to fight for it and haven’t started building sustainable medieval type lifestyle. It’s home for now, but there are still too many threats. In assimilation terms, it means that you don’t get tired of speaking the foreign language as fast as you used to in the beginning, that you know how to do basic operations at the bank, healthcare offices, know how money works here, how to use public transportation, but it’s still not native to you at all. Life is hard, but you are not as dazed anymore. And also really start to see what you’ve lost. Just like Rick’s group shows more signs of PTSD when they get to Alexandria.