journal

i have too much energy idont know what to do with! i think i overwhelmed my brain with too much. just too much of everything but nothing bad, and whenever i indulge too much in reading or looking at things that distract me from my hellish brai n i always end up this way. i end up really spaced put and nervous and my chest hurts because im overwhelmed by enjpying myself slightly. its so weird! i dont know what to think of it. i dont necessarily hate it but its a troublesome feeling, i dont know how to vent this emotion either, what should i do? i asked a friend to keep me company if she could to see if maybe that will make my hyperactivity go away somehow, but im not sure! ill probablg be a mess. i think maybe im manic? but ive never really truly understood what being manic is, so i dont think i should call myself that. oh i want to write so much trpheres so much to say but im nit sure where to start even.

my chest feels like its bursting i have too much energy! too much positive enrgy, i cant even feel my negative thoughts filtering thriugh them and it hurts! im used to them alwaaaaaysss being inside my head so when they cant come in i get a headahce! ugh, and i knoooow why im like this, because im having too much fun indulging in nerdy shit, and allowing myself to read manga or watch anime or read stuff or do whatever geek stuff usually takes my mind off things, and whenever im overwhelmed by options of what to do i never know how to vent my emotions properly about this or hw to choose what to do! i feel like i want to play a game, but none of the games on my pc are pleasing me as of late either, and it makes me sad! i looooove the sims, i love the concept of playing the sims, but i always get soooo bored when i go play it… probably because i played about 500 hours of all 3 games from the second to the fourth back in 2023 during active psychosis! i also watched about every single sims video i could get my hands on… i was actively waiting for thus one youtuber to make an iceberg video about sims and she came out with it just as i was falling out of love with it… i wish i could get that drive and obsession with it to come back! i get so easily bored nowadays… maybe i should start putting actual care into my sims and see if i grow attached to them. i usually play randomizing everything so its all arbitrary and i have pretty much zero actual control in the story. letting even a game make the choices for me instead of choosing myself is soooooo like me. Like me. and maybe its the other me speaking now, except its not because that other me just started judging me for writing this so cheekily and so quirkily. you are not a pixie dream girl main character writing a book about her neurodivergence. you are a freak who is trying to fit in with the rest of the world by pretending to be human and making a show of its “complicated human emotions” to everyone else around it despite not having any. this bundle of emotions that you feel right now are probably nothing more than a headahce, but sicne youre not human you havent really learned how a headahce truly feels.

honestly i didn’t want to update. i thought id leave it be for today, but something came up that’s making me want to vent my feelings.

it’s something that sort of brings me back to real life. family related matter, the kind where you’re stuck between your parents and you love them both equally and you don’t know what to do. i feel so indebted to them both that turning down whatever they ask of me seems impossible, and when their requests are intertwined in family drama i just feel at a loss. who could i even speak about this with? my mom doesn’t want me living with my dads family if they ever come to this country, meaning she doesn’t want me buying a house with my dad. and my dad obviously would like it if i were to buy a house with him, and he thinks of it as such a noble request that he even mentioned it to my mom not knowing it would send her into a psychotic break. and i understand her, because im the same way as she is, i probably got the same paranoid thought process she goes through from her. and in the end, i sort of agree with her, although maybe that’s just me leaning into my most recent source of information on the matter and feeling influenced by her worry. she obviously knows something i dont and just doesn’t want me to live the same life im living now but set in stone by buying a house. my dad obviously wont see it that way since its his family we’ll be living with. i personally dont mind splitting myself in two, its the same thing ive been doing mentally since i was a kid with the two of them, although i used to mostly favor my dad because he was the easier parent since my mom was the one who spent most of the time with me and she would scold me (as any parent should). honestly i don’t know what to think or do. im really at a loss. i’m only writing it here so i get my feelings down properly and i don’t spend hours ruminating over it. i don’t want to turn my dads offer down because i love him of course, but i feel like just my feelings shouldn’t be enough for such a big decision in a country like this one. i personally would like to buy a house on my own if possible, in some future far from now obviously. i will just continue splitting myself, soothing my mother and appeasing my father. it’s all i feel like i can do at this point.

i decided i won’t abandon this journal, but i’ll keep my entries short as possible, unless i feel like i need to rant.

this weekend was great, i didn’t get to update not because i didn’t want to but because i had a sleepover and a pretty busy week since it was also my dads birthday. on friday we slept over at my friend’s, and then went to the beach the next day which was great. our floaties kept flying away with the strong wind and i showed my lifesaver blowing skills off from years of zero access to air pumps when i was a child. after i went home and bought pastries and celebrated my dad’s birthday with him in a pretty chill way which is how he likes to celebrate usually. there were some things later on that were said and bothered me and i almost freaked out but i could feel my meds working overtime to avoid having an episode. i had a few instances of it again today but i managed to recover from it pretty well. although im still feeling a bit attacked.

today after i took my dad out to eat for his birthday, we went to get icecream and it was a bit rainy and the sun was already set and the night was dark and humid. it reminded me of a time when i was still deluded and in deep psychosis and my dad took me to a restaurant 20 minutes from our house by foot, so we could maybe talk and we could clear my mind. obviously it didn’t work, back then i had no meds, and no matter how much we spoke and how much he reassured me nothing worked. i still felt watched by everyone, persecuted, like i was on the tip of being ambushed and like it was only a matter of time until my life was over and i would lose everyone around me. back then, looking at my parents was agonizing. i remember looking at my mom and seeing so much love in her eyes and not being able to take it because i didn’t just feel like i would end my life soon and it would ruin her, i “knew” that it would happen. i felt the same with my dad when i looked at him. any attempt he would make at trying to cheer me up would fail and i could see how upset he was from it whenever it happened. it was even worse with my mom, because when she’s upset she gets very loud and it feel irritating to the brain. and none of it is her fault, i must have been very hard to be around during the time. i can remember it vaguely and vividly at the same time. it’s all blurry but it’s all collected in my brain. i would journal, write lengthy apologies for no one to read over and over, reread messages, purposefully upset myself when i felt like i was okay, make up situations that could happen with a 1% chance, turn everyone into the worst possible version of themselves to be able to fit them all into a narrative that could hurt me from all sides. back then no one was spared from my mischaracterization, not even the people i love. specially not the people i love. all of them were suddenly backstabbers and they all secretely hated me, because that was their worst possible secret personality in my mind. my friends hated me and wanted to ruin my life, my parents were disappointed, the rest of my family was blurry, i confided in my aunt that is more of a mess than i am because i had nowhere to turn, and to this day i still regret letting her know anything about me, it fills me with dread even though i want to believe she will keep my personal trauma safe with her.

today was an okay day i think.

i kind of don’t see the point in this journal for now. should i only journal when i’m feeling bad? but wouldn’t it defeat the purpose? no, i don’t think ill give up on it yet, it has kept me dedicated enough and out of trouble with myself for a bit now and i think that works. it might be because i just got done eating and don’t feel like writing much.

but today was a good day. i went to work as usual, worked diligently although i was a bit distracted here and there. there’s trouble brewing at work between two coworkers and i hope nothing comes of it tomorrow because i don’t want my coworker that i like between the two to be upset. i’m going to the beach early in the morning with my friends on saturday, and sleeping over the friday before so that will be fun. i started reading les miserables in spanish and i tried to pick a translation i liked and finally decided on one, as well as going with no audiobook because im trying to get used to silent reading again during my last hour at work. but that’s pretty much it. i really just wanted to go home and play tomodachi life.

i need to learn when to quit, and what my limits are.

the weekend was honestly crazy, enough that i couldn’t even write my weekend journal because i was so out of it. i guess this counts as a long weekend anyway, since i didn’t go to work today.

i played lots of tomodachi life on saturday and everything seemed to be going up to par with my usual weekends, but it all went crazy when i forgot to take my meds, and then decided to take my venlafaxine later in the day, which usually wouldn’t be a problem, except when i went to take my sleeping meds later around my bedtime, i accidentally took myvenlafaxine twice. i tried to throw it up but it wouldn’t come out and my mom was there so i had to stop throwing up so i wouldn’t freak her out too much. as a result, i couldn’t take my quetiapine which is the only way i am able to sleep, and i was double dosed on venlafaxine, so the all-nighter that came after was possibly the worst one i’ve ever had. i looked it up immediately after taking the second venlafaxine and most entries online said if that happens to contact poison control, which i of course didnt do, because to be honest it didn’t seem like a lethal dose, so instead i tried to tough it out. i first went to my dads bedroom and tried to sleep in his room, to see if it would calm me down. it didn’t. i had insane heart palpitations and i think vertigo? or maybe my vision was sort of swimming. i couldn’t tell if that was the case or if it was just my vision at night. since it didn’t help me sleep to be in the same room as my dad i went back to my bedroom, and decided to put on ocean sounds, which also didn’t help me fall asleep, but they did remind me of something funny and i went to tell my friends (i think it was around 2am by this time) and accidentally sent it to the wrong group of friends. they must’ve all been asleep because i don’t think anyone saw what i sent (and it wasn’t anything crazy, it just wouldn’t have made sense to them so i deleted it out of embarrassment a few hours later when i realized). i tried sitting yoga after. while listening to the ocean sounds. also didn’t work. i laid down in bed and attempted to sleep again, but i don’t think anything happened, so i ended up reading some bl webcomic online to see if i could at least pass time. it was honestly sort of boring and unrealistic and too smutty, but i kind of was so delirious that i got through a bunch of chapters before i finally realized i was bored. i think it must’ve been 5am by then. after that i mostly just lay around in bed and tried playing tomodachi life. i created some of my cute oc’s and was very proud of them, but the lack of sleep was starting to make me deluded and start giving personalities and hierarchy to the buttons for sizing and changing the facial features of the miis, so i think by then i went to my moms room, where i at least got to relax a bit more. the rest of the day was pretty much the same, no sleep and some pretty bad stomach aches and an ache behind my eyes and mental exhaustion without the ability to actually sleep. i had a matcha lemonade and pistachio croissant, and then some pizza later on. they were delicious but i sort of felt nothing because i was so tired. i called out of work for the next day since i knew i would need more than 8 hours of sleep. by the time it was time to finally take my sleep meds again i was so exhausted and yet it still took me a bit to sleep because of how nervous i was thinking i wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, but in the end i did. i had a weird dream but i was so happy to get some actual sleep i barely thought about it.

you might wonder why you can’t see my post from yesterday. it is private. it was too embarrassing and i was losing my mind. today was better, slightly so.

i slept in a little later since my step dad was taking me to work today. did my routine as usual, but forgot my bottles of water, but thankfully i managed to substitute them with little ones from work when i got there. we had no patients today, so my work load was easy to take care of and went by fluidly. at one point, me and my friends i work with all piled around our coworker who spoke to us and told us stories and gave us advice and wisdom. she’s very kind, and i really like her, she’s a very strong woman with a good head on her shoulders and who for the most part knows what she’s talking about and to stand up for herself. the kind of woman someone might call a hispanic karen (like i initially assumed about her) but in reality she just doesn’t take any bullshit from others when she knows it’s wrong. i admitted out loud for once that i struggle with disordered eating, but in passing so it wouldn’t seem too overbearing or like it was attention seeking, and it eas in relation to one of our coworkers mentioning that she’s jealous of my body and commenting on my weight constantly, i was advised to let my other coworker know that it’s uncomfortable but i rather avoid confrontation, we already know how it makes me feel. but it was nice speaking with my coworker, and then me and my friend went to do a bunch of free labor in the filing room and moved a bunch of charts around to make the shelves easier to use. we hung out after work like we planned, although i was expecting us to go to our usual coffee shop spot but it seemed like that wasn’t the plan, so we had to skip. i was pretty bummed out and tried not to let it show and just decided to seem happy to be around for my friends. i did end up getting something from the fresh market to eat, a veggie flatbread and an icecream sandwhich to treat myself today. i won’t punish myself anymore with unrealistic eating habits or expectations. or at least i will try. for myself and everyone else. and i will also confront my mother about her comments about my body and how sad it makes me feel. eventually. maybe.

i finished gone girl which was Amazing, no pun intended. amy is truly so far one of the best written female psychopaths, or just psychopaths in general that i have at least come across, considering how unrealistic the other ones have been in other things i’ve watched or read. american psycho was also a pretty good one as well. but gone girl was super fun, and despite everything i made it through a story somehow focused on straight romance without giving up in the middle, but to be honest amy was so enchanting to me i would’ve done it even if she was having hetero sex every chapter. she’s that good of a character. to me at least, i love crazy women and i love when they’re extremely crazy without a filter to make them palatable for people who claim they love crazy women (but always not /too/ crazy). i’m excited to read more of the author’s in the future, though hopefully less hetero although im kind of not positive that will be possible. i’m excited to read some gogol short stories next, and then read more dostoevsky short stories, and then i’ll finally tackle les mis, but in spanish! audiobook and reading paired. seems super fun to me, i hope it’ll be as fun as i expect. i want to read those books that inspired the handmaiden (the korean lesbian movie) and read more of that same lady’s works in the future. i also want to read the color purple. i want to read so much that ill never have stuff to run out of to read.

OK. we’re switching up the structure to my usual logs that i decided on a few days ago only for today (probably will happen in the future again) so i can make my quick declaration about my previous gone girl musings, specifically that i sort of related to nick. So basically i kind of hate his ass again and trying to redeem him did not work out for m. too much about him doesn’t match what i would like to find relatable despite the few similarities to myself i found before the reveal that you kind of REALLY cannot trust his word for shit, i should’ve figured this out right when i realized he’s an unreliable narrator, but i somehow kind of assumed this meant he would at least not lie so often but he did. and im a liar too but i don’t like that he nearly beat amy so he is OFF my relatable list. He’s still an extremely well written character, but despite how much i wanted to give him the benefit of doubt he really becomes so easy to want to see his demise, specially when you realize amy really is a mastermind and crazy enough to put him in the predicament he’s in, and i don’t blame her. not that i ever did, even when he wasn’t as much of a couch as he was now. ok, that was an insane opening statement but i couldn’t hold it back, i felt so terribly vindicated when i realized i was right to say my statement of him getting milkshake ducked beyond belief in the future. more on this later, just had to clear my nerves because my past self’s claims pissed me off presently.

today was a pretty good day if i say so myself. i woke up normally, actually i was more tired than usual today, and lazed around in bed since thankfully my dad was taking me to work and i could spare a few more minutes. routine was again my usual, shower, deodorant, meds, 4 water bottles, bye to mom and my dogs, and i was off to work. i listened to music like usual, some underscores and bjork and death grips (same song because im fixated on it at the moment). work was just a pile of charts after the other, more billing, talk of what’s gonna happen if our boss dies and what we’ll do after if we get laid off. i cemented my plans on wanting to become a phlebotomist and do a course for it, perhaps work at a different medical office. the new ear system might take some part of my job, but apparently we’re keeping my billing strategy so technically not really, but just to be safe i’ll start assisting with vitals and MA work for real once i get the chance, just for some extra experience. we had plenty of pastries and such at work today, and also lunch which i ignored since it didn’t fit my taste, but i had piece of an empanada gallega de chorizo, a piece of some mousse chocolate cake, and then i forked a bit of some other chocolate mousse and a strawberry, all very delicious. but the rest of the day went mostly well really, lots of work, and prior billing, and kind of stressful talks of maybe lay offs or losing my position but really, my plan for the future makes me feel like i might just be okay this time if it doesn’t work out here. i bought stuff to make veggie burgers with my dad, and ill have them soon. i might have plans to hang out on friday with my friends. but that was mostly it. i’ll go eat now, and come back when im done to rant more about gone girl and how good it is and how naive i am to try to be empathetic to anybody who’s having a hard time and showing plenty of red flags. see you in a bit. okay i’m back, and my belly is full and the veggie burgers were delicious. but still though, just to finish this off, gone girl is seriously so good, i genuinely love reading it and picking up on stuff as i go, and im sometimes happy im not such a super genius reader and can be properly surprised by reveals that i sort of saw coming but not really, so i really am having lots of fun, ill probably finish it by the end of the week, i might even read some more while im home.

but that’s it for today really, no musings besides gone girl, i guess i did some introspection and am feeling pretty pleased with myself about it. i kind of am craving something sweet maybe, even though i just had chocolate, but eh, i can always eat tomorrow. goodnight and i’ll see you.

i think i used to separate the numbers on each log’s date with periods instead of slashes, no wonder they looked jarring as of late.

today was the perfect mundane day i wished for yesterday. i woke up as usual, did my routine, washed my hair, put on deodorant, took my meds, grabbed my 4 bottles, and was off to work. i actually can’t remember what i listened to on the way to work, but for some reason i think i watched tiktoks instead. i barely remember how work went, because it was actually /that/ mundane. which is always welcomed happily. ever since i stopped using audiobooks and reading online during my down time at work it honestly has made me more productive than i was before, which sounds like a given and that i am a slacker, and i wont deny that, but i also don’t get paid early enough for the sum of the work that i do take care off, so until my pay gets raised another dollar and fifty then maybe you’ll hear something different. as a result i managed to get everything done diligently and in a timely manner, i cracked jokes here and there and my made my coworker aunties laugh, which always makes me happy. i had two bites of my friends almond chia pudding thing, which tasted pretty good. (i just remembered what i was forgetting to buy, a pack of gum for work, i guess ill get it tomorrow when i go out shopping for sectioned bowls at a different grocery) i called a nearby hair salon close to my house to see if anyone that works there does pixies, because i want my hair shorter again, and managed to find out who it was that did those sorts of haircuts, so im slightly proud of myself, making so many phone calls lately that i wouldn’t have dared a year ago. i read more gone girl, about maybe 4 or so chapters, and i wished i could get more in and then i realized im pretty good on pacing considering i started it last thursday and skipped on the weekend, and im not going to rush myself on reading since i wont enjoy it if i do. really, really good book so far still btw. my coworker showed me a nice pool place that maybe me and my friends should go visit, a little ways away from where we live. when my coworker was showing us a bunch of pastry trays and desserts we should get for a coworker birthday we’re planning, i mentioned how i liked chocolate (i think that’s what i said) and i think i must’ve pouted or done some sort of begging-dog face because it made my boss coo at me and hug me spontaneously and pat my head, and i found it to be sweet, i really do enjoy being hugged even by mere acquaintances so long as they’re also women. i stressed about something, but i can’t recall what. i think it must have been my credit card? or was it how i need to get ready to drive? i don’t remember, but i know i wanted to write about it. it’ll come back and ill feel like an idiot after posting this. nevertheless, i mostly window shopped at the publix website and kept reading gone girl for the rest of my downtime. all my fax confirmations came in at once later in the day. i got rid of all the excess mr requests i wanted to take care of and wrote them a new note. drank all my water. oh, and watched northern lion as mindless filler here and there while turning my auto on and working on charts. it’s my week to take care of the trash and i nearly forgot, so i did it quickly and then on the line to clock out i realized i forgot to mop the kitchenette floor by my coworker, so i set an alarm for 8:45am tomorrow. i almost claimed i went to the hospital to drop off documents today, but that was yesterday, so maybe my days are really starting to actually blur now, but i don’t mind it, even though it’s scary and time goes oddly fast. i feel like days are precious and i feel a bit anxious when i think of how fleeting they end up feeling after a year passes again. i bought my usual groceries plus a few new additions, had my usual meal, and now im here in my bed waiting to hang out with friends later. i didn’t buy tomodachi life again because i rather wait for the weekend.

i’m not quite sure if there’s anything of note philosophically to muse about today in this section. maybe the fact that it was so mundane that it felt so blissful. but it is scary how fast the days go, even though i enjoy that they pass faster when im at work. and sometimes i feel that i should be doing something more meaningful in life but then i remember im really not that important in the scope of the universe, which feels redundant and like cheating when it comes to this argument, but it’s one of the few things that helps console me and my way of thinking. i guess i could speak about gone girl, which again so far its still very good, i actually can’t wait to read the authors other works after im done, since im definitely unspoiled for that one. nick is seriously an asshole, and somehow i still find parts of him relatable, which is definitely some sort of wake up call from the universe, but he’s a pretty well written flawed “victim”, and i use that word in a very practical sense, since he’s very much currently the one at the receiving end of amy’s plan. it’s interesting seeing how their interpretations of their respective spouse is so different in each entry in the book, and amy is such a good character i cannot wait how it ends with everything she’s doing, i already knew the twist and maybe it’s expected of everyone to know it too, but i think when you know a books twist and somehow it doesn’t ruin the experience, then it really becomes clear you’re reading something very good. i’m always amazed by her writing as well, im amazed by most writing to begin with. how do authors know where each word goes, and what sentence comes after the other, and what they need to set up to parallel a different scene and how they symbolize everything and how they make specific feelings linger with certain wording etc etc etc. i think good writing is infinitely more difficult to produce than good paintings or good music, and that’s really just my opinion of course, but my respect for authors goes up so much more for each book i read whenever i try to put myself in their shoes and i see i have no idea where i would even begin. i think it’s amazing, and i hope my rekindled love for reading makes it easier for me to compose fictional stories in my head too, so i can make the edits and amvs of my oc’s in my mind more vibrant and cohesive as im listening to a song.

today was one of those hour long silent mind unraveling ocd rumination days, all stemming from one single instance that itched at me for hours up until i managed to confront it and got the reassurance that i know isn’t going to be enough to get rid of the root issue. blaze it.

i woke up pretty okay in the morning. did my routine. hair was clean from washing yesterday so i didn’t wash it today, i forgot to put deodorant, i brushed my teeth, took my four bottles of water for work, took my meds (yes, even medicated i still am able to fall into superhuman rumination, i just don’t start crying instead as the single pro). had to get a ride for work, which reminded me i need to get my license and quick, money goes too fast on these drives. listened to the same death grips song i’ve liked lately, and a different one too from my more fun playlist, and some bjork as well. today was going to be just as mundane of a monday as i could wish for in my routine, until my friend brought something to my attention (which wasn’t her intent but it still struck me anyway) and it ruined my mood for the next 5 or so hours. but i think i have to right to feel disturbed by it, as it is something i brought up to her in the past that it was my single boundary with the two of them and i didn’t want it crossed. and yet there it was lodged into my brain and ruminating endlessly for nearly half my shift. i felt sick about it for a while, until i decided i might as well do something to alleviate it, and texted my other friend about it to ask for her advice. i know, probably shitty instead of just going to the friend who upset me, but i actually really just needed someone to hang onto, and my ocd was also suggesting if i were to consult my other friend before making my move, at least she would be in the know in case the friend who hurt me didn’t take well to my concerns. i know, 30 steps ahead of a hypothetical situation that has a 1% chance of actually happening, but better safe than sick with worry. my other friend kind of just stared at me as i asked for advice, but she gave nice advice anyway, and i know she wants the best for me and she understands im not well, so i always appreciate her input despite how too-good-to-be-true it might feel to my brain that’s always expecting the worst from the other person. i eventually pulled the friend who upset me aside and tried to address the issue from a more indirect perspective. it involved another party, but someone also involved in the thing that concerned me to begin with, and tied it along with some call backs to my previous statement of my boundary and my own relation to what i bore witness to, acting as some sort of cautionary tale and also giving another reason as to why i was off put. i think it played the part well enough that it got through her head. i reiterated that i know she’s not the kind of person to go out of her way to upset someone else in such a way, and she agreed, and i think i could see it in her face that she was trying to explain herself. it sounds overly complicated but it was a pretty laid back conversation and i managed to hear her perspective on things without forcing my need for reassurance on her, which would just cancel the reason im even asking in the first place. but it went well, and i think she must have got the hint and seemed apologetic in a way. i know, i know it’s like a million ways harder than just straight up confronting her. but it works for me. it works for her. it keeps my world balanced. i have to always be on the defensive and make sure no one is out of line. i cannot find myself bound to a friendship that is hurting me in such specific ways like i almost felt again today. i dont ever want to feel that way again. and both of my friends know that, because they were there to see me at my worst. maybe it’s selfish, but it’s the one thing i make sure to never have repeat again in my life. and i would do the same for them should they bring up their own boundaries to me, even if i feel like they’re currently a bit ashamed to do so because we nearly never take things seriously, so ill be the one to put my foot down again and again. it sounds overly vague, but just believe me that it makes sense to me.

i had a few big adopted-orphan smiles on my face today, it was a good, fun day. Gone girl reference in case anyone didn’t get it (i know i am slowly turning into a geek with all these references i apologize to whoever might be reading).

i woke up at my usual time, i think i didn’t actually linger as much as i usually do today since i went to sleep early the night before. i’m pretty sure i had a pretty disturbing, stressful dream. something about my home country and seeing childhood friends i haven’t spoken to since i left at 11 years old. might be because im traveling to see my family there in june, so im both nervous and excited. my morning routine went about the same as usual, washed my hair and didn’t dry it, brushed my teeth, deodorant, dressed fast (a fact to amuse myself while i pick myself apart with this journal: i wear the top of my under garments through my legs as if it were a pair of pants, because the bra side of it gets tangled when i try to wear it like a regular top, so from the bottom-up was my solution. its weird and has probably worn the elasticity of the shoulder straps but it works). i dont remember if i ate a banana or not, actually i didnt, because i assumed id be eating spaghetti at work (i didnt in the end, wasnt in the mood) i took my meds and kissed my mom and pets goodbye. on the way to work i listened to bjork and some other songs in my sentimental playlist that i imagine my oc’s having amv’s or edits to. also a song from death grips (no love? i think its called) that i found and liked, i want to listen to more of them. work was pretty good today, and went by moderately fast. i managed to figure out the part that was stressing me the most, at least i think i did, and i felt so much relief and joy after talking to my boss about it and getting her clearance that i skipped and sung back to my chair. i felt sort of annoyed that getting something fixed at work made me that happy but im not someone to really analyze why my happiness at specific instances should be shameful. im just happy that im not feeling sad emotions at the moment, so i took it for what it was and stopped feeling ashamed for the second it came upon me. today was actually a pretty good day with my friends at work too. i had some nice conversations here and there, and i got all my work done and then read more gone girl (im really having fun with it but it also made me feel sick, more on that later). i laughed at a video of some rover in mars dying and singing a song because the song was used by some stupid gen alpha brainrot kid on tiktok to make a meme about tung tung sahur. i am 24 years of age laughing like a toddler over such stupid shit, but laughing is one of the things i treasure the most. it’s nice to be able to laugh again. the time work was done, i was extremely excited to go hang out with my friends at our usual friday’s boba tea place. i got a matcha fresh milk with strawberry popping and some cheese wontons. i enjoyed the playful banter with my friends today, and the music we listened to on the way home, even though it never is what i wanna listen to. i bought myself a margherita flatbread and a slice of chocolate cake and a tiny cup of icecream. i decided its okay to treat myself and to at least give myself some more enjoyment on the weekend. when i got home i took my dogs out to the yard for them to play and do their business, i laid down on the concrete outside and stared at the sky for a bit, trying to see if i could make it feel like some sort of romanticized movie scene that would get posted on picrew or maybe on twitter cinematography accounts. it felt like nothing, i mostly had no thoughts while i looked, but the concrete felt nice on my back, and one of my dogs came over to cuddle obsessively over my head, which was funny and made me giggle. i was kind of sad there wasn’t any clouds in the sky to try to make shapes out of in my head, but the total absence of them filled me with a weird feeling, like peace or tranquility maybe. i guess it makes sense, it’s probably something about the absence of obstacles making it feel clean and calm like the ocean when it has no waves crashing through it. it makes it look even and controlled. at least that’s how i see it. and also how i like everything to be. i showered and ate my meal and am now in bed.

maybe the one-paragraph-for-each-section-of-the-journal idea isn’t gonna work so well, because i ran out of sentences in the last one again, but i was gonna end it anyway so maybe it’s alright. now onto some philosophy or moral of my day or things i pondered on and mulled over. gone girl was very engaging and enjoyable as always, but it did make me a bit sick. for two reasons, one the constant mentions of unemployment and recession being so strikingly similar to our current situation in this country, specially the internet-ai comparison i came up with yesterday as i read. the mentions of lay offs and the like made me feel sort of sick, because i often drown myself in the delusion that i will end up homeless and unmedicated in the streets for whatever reason in the future. i know maybe i sound like im trying to be too pretentious when i say these things but i have no way to naturally word it otherwise. the fact that i depend on meds to take care of my mental health has never actually worried me until i imagine myself in a situation in which i lose access to said meds along with my income and my house and everyone around me and i end up in the streets and losing my mind. it’s something that kind of haunts me a bit and bothers me a lot to think about, also because of how unprepared i feel at times for my age as well. i will try better, if only to alleviate that worry more than actually bettering my place in society. but i think i will be OK for the moment, that was a bit of a tangent. the second thing that upset me reading gone girl was that amy and nick remind me of my parents, and how i find myself in both nick and amy at the same time too, although to a lesser degree. i assume this might be a common point of relatability for readers, specially because nick and amy are sort of stereotypical (which is obviously purposeful) and commentary on a heteronormative trope seen as much in fiction as in reality. and i think my parents are quite honestly a carbon copy of it. the fact that im always told i resemble my father the most out of both parents, and the fact that i find nick horrifyingly relatable has to be some sort of wake up call from the universe being told to me through this book. but i also don’t find nick to be a totally irredeemable asshole, the same way amy (so far) doesn’t seem that way either to me. the overly obsessive, worrisome wife and the kind but exasperated husband who’s always downplaying her dramatics (sometimes for a good reason, sometimes not) just really felt too much like them, like what i assumed to be going on in their heads while i was growing up around them. i can barely remember their happy moments, maybe a kiss and embrace here or there. it was mostly arguing though, and jealousy, and compulsive purchases and more arguments. and being reassured that all couples go through this, but not hearing that my friends’ parents were doing the same when i asked if anyone else’s parents did it. and i assume maybe this is the point, although i do think maybe it’s wives that are relating to this book more and comparing their marriages to it instead of daughters of divorced (not on paper) parents. but maybe it’s just my only possible way of relating to this book since im hopeful i won’t end up with a man in the future, but who knows, cultural and societal pressure will force you into decisions that you never wanted for yourself, and this eats me alive before i sleep sometimes, because some days when im willing to indulge in some hopeless romanticism, i imagine hugging a woman i love from behind, and she’s faceless, sometimes not, or cuddling in bed with a woman who loves me as much as i love her, even if im ugly and my body is unappealing and my nose is too big and im not divine or pretty like a girl should be but this is not something i think of often, because i haven’t yet gotten over my deep dislike for romantic proximity, im far too disenchanted by the idea of intimacy and compromise for fear of hurting again, and you can thank my aforementioned parents’ relationship for that.

where do i even start today. okay, that sounds pretty dramatic considering absolutely nothing of note happened. but i’m thinking maybe i should section my journals to make them easier to read back to myself or just to lay out my thoughts, this is an idea i came up with just now, so maybe i should workshop it but let’s try it out. i’m thinking an introduction to my day in plain terms without a lot of introspection, then the second paragraph could be some sort of shower thoughts/random philosophy i stole from whatever books inspired me to think that way, as well as describing the stuff i’m reading or watching that has stuck with me, and then the last paragraph can be the conclusion to my day, if i’ve made any mistakes or there’s anything i’d like to change or if it was better or worse than my average expectation for a good day. i think that sounds good enough. so let’s try it.

today i woke up and slept in a little later than usual. i think i must’ve gotten to the shower around 7:40AM when usually ill be there but 7:34AM tops, but that’s mostly because my dad was taking me to work so i decided to laze about a little. my routine in the morning was about the same as usual, my hair was clean from washing it yesterday so i didn’t need to wash it, meaning my shower was quicker, i took my meds, and packed my 4 daily water bottles for work, as well as had a banana which usually i don’t do but something in my stomach for breakfast wont hurt and i need to understand that, so i did it. all of it was pretty much done by 8:03 or so, so i set out to wait for my dad to take me to work. i think on the way there i listened to some vocaloid songs, which i haven’t been listening to much lately as my “regular music” playlists grow and i get more fixated on newer songs by random indie artists. by the time i got to work it must’ve been 8:40-something, and i was inclined to clock in earlier despite it not being normal but i didn’t, instead i set another alarm to remind me to clock in twice instead, one for 8:50 and one for 9:00. i think it’ll help specially because i’m pretty scatterbrained and i end up forgetting to clock in and out in the same day like i did last week and i don’t wanna miss another days worth of pay because of it. most of the day went by pretty fast, in fact i found myself thinking this week went by very fast, i can’t believe it’s already friday tomorrow. i tried reading the final story of that random APlit packet i found, but ended up getting distracted as i started setting up for my day and working on my billing charts. there was some new EHR system or something being set up at work, but it doesn’t concern my position so i initially didn’t tune in. but then my crazy coworker snitched on us who didn’t need to take it and we ended up tuning into it, and as expected, an absolute waste of time and zero questions or elaboration on our positions. but other than that i listened to an audiobook of a short story named the door on the wall by hg wells (i think it’s called that, going off the top of my mind here) and started reading gone girl! exclamation mark because i’m actually enjoying it so far and ill go into more depth about it on my next section. i had some salad (average but it seemed to make my coworker happy that i ate something, even though i decided to skip on the fried rice she made as i’m not a fan of fried rice) and a bit of strawberry shortcake that was nearly tasteless besides just a ghost of sweetness, all you could really get was notes of cheap whipped cream and artificial strawberry syrup, even though my friend said it was good. not trusting her again about sweets, but it doesn’t make me love her any less. other than that the day went by pretty fast, i was excited thinking about tomodachi life and reading gone girl on the times where i was not busy, and heard my coworker make a remark about how her daughter can go fuck herself for wanting to be picked up because she had a stomachache at school. her daughter is 11 years old, but this is just normal business around here so we mostly just raised our eyebrows and moved on from it. i realize i should be very thankful for the parents i’ve got and raised me because honestly i could have had something like that. i started worrying a bit thinking about budgeting my bank account and using my credit card (which i hate) and upon clocking out and going on the way home my dad dropped the news that the plan i had worked on to make using my credit card more manageable was actually null in the world of credit, and didn’t work out at all. i know i’m late to the whole thing and i should’ve known ages ago but i’ve despised the idea of credit so much that i’ve managed to keep it up until now without using my credit card. but it’s whatever, it’ll work out as it always does. i tried using some budgeting app a few minutes ago and it was bullshit, so i decided to just do my best to budget it in my head and make reminders manually, or something. we’ll see.

the paragraph got too long on that last one so i guess that’s it for that section really. i also wanted to say i’m hanging out with friends after work tomorrow, and im excited for that. i guess ill keep my credit card spending solely for dining out and treating myself HERE AND THERE. and i stress that because i’m scared that ill somehow overspend even though i’m too obsessive over keeping tabs on finances and not getting overdrafted to actually fall for it. but on the other hand i’m also compulsive, which is how we go back to square one of that worry. but on the actual theme of this paragraph is that gone girl is very fun so far, and i’m reading it while attempting to stay completely unbiased to my emotions on wanting to insist whatever i’m reading is good so i can seem like i understood it, but actually making notes here or there where i think i like something or i hate something without feeling ashamed. so far, i love the way it’s laid out, with present time chapters and past diary entries from the two protagonist of the story. i really like amy, and i can see parts of myself in the structure of all her habits and the need for all of it to make sense and even seem almost movie-like sometimes. i have to say i dislike nick, both because i have a preexisting bias against first-person male protagonists in fiction, and also because he’s kind of a jerk even though he’s very self aware of it and trying not to be one, but conversely he’s relatable in a way at points, which i’m ashamed to admit because i have a feeling it’ll get me stoned inside my own head when it’s revealed he did something atrocious or something, but that’s the fun of everything. i know the twist of the story (is it meant to be a twist or is it already implied in the synopsis? i assumed it was pretty spoilery in the summary so maybe there’s more to it than just that) but i’m still enjoying it all the same so far, it has very flowery tangents that remind me of my own way of thinking about the world around me, and it flows pretty naturally, in the way i always assume most people think as well until i remember i’m not mentally well enough for my trains of thought to be mainstream ones. something i sort of dislike is the very cynical tone in the style of writing but i realize that’s probably not a fair criticism since it’s just the way the characters are, and not really the way the writer jokes. although, if the jokes are meant to be funny they’re sort of not at all, very millennial humor, and its own way that’s sort of endearing and it encapsulates the time period of the book really well. i’m pretty early on still, so far i found the sections detailing the way the internet caused such a huge disruption on the job market back in the mid 2000s to be extremely topical and resembling our current age with all the AI development and possible lay offs as a result of it, it’s honestly insane how history tends to repeat itself. something even more specific about that that i kept thinking about was how nick says the internet may be able to provide the paper articles he’s writing digitally, but it cannot provide a digital alcoholic drink. while he’s technically right, the fact that his job could easily be replaced by AI in current times makes the statement so extremely ironic looking at it from future times where the “internet” is replaced as an engine for incentive in the work place by AI models and once again highlighting the extreme uncertainty that comes for humankind and its socioeconomic structures with such a rapidly changing technological world. i also read that one short story by. hg wells, and while i found it to be pretty okay, i think it’s something i should come back to when i’m older and can reminisce in my youth a little better. i think i will also return to the short story i couldn’t finish from the APlit package tomorrow.

today was a good day i think, actually a pretty good day because i got to read a bunch of short stories thanks to having found a random pdf with a bunch of APlit readings that i assume was uploaded digitally at some point. it was mexican food at work again and i knew it would upset my stomach since i already have a concerning amount of lentils in my diet so i decided to skip on it again, and just worked on my tasks and anything i could do. i’m kind of mad it doesn’t seem like my boss has asked any of our nurses to do what i asked her to tell them because it’s making me look like i’m behind on medical records but i’m really not and it’s very annoying to think about but ill be okay. i’m thinking a bit more about budgeting and stuff and anticipating my tax refund, although ill probably give all of it to my mom to pay off hers since i only got money back due to being on her insurance policy last year. i thought of a few more things that worried me a bit for a moment but eventually i forgot about it.

among the short stories i read i liked the lottery by shirley jackson and i stand here ironing by tillie olsen to be my favorites, i also read one called the reunion and finally another one called the cold equation. i initially interpreted the lottery to have to do with the concept of social lottery and being born into horrid circumstances which i was introduced to in high school, so it derailed my understanding of the story a bit once i finished, but i also got the points of it dealing with culture and tradition and newer generations and the whole deal down pretty well, which made me happy and i also liked listening to a short analysis of it later on to help cement other themes i didn’t pick up on like criticisms of democracy and mob mentality. here i stand ironing hit very close home, and there wasn’t much more to say to it than it being an anecdote about motherhood and daughter hood at the same time, which i was able to relate to on the daughter’s level, although i do think it might be even more relatable to oldest daughters as it has to deal with the first child being more of a “test subject” for a parent that has several down the road (although this is a very crass way of explaining it and not at all descriptive of the actual story), the mother in it reminded me a lot of my own and it made me feel sick because i love my mom so much. the reunion was about a son who meeting his father after three years following divorce, and him cementing his decision to never speak to his out of touch father again, which speaks a lot to the sentiment i see a lot from american children and their detachment to their parents who raised them on an individualistic mentality. the cold equation was a lot, and by far the most curious of them all simply because it didn’t exactly have all that impactful of a message but it was extremely well known as a result, probably because its message slowly lost its integrity with the years and so many critics pulling it apart due to inconsistencies that kind of broke the story’s message of “sometimes nothing can be done and it’s no one’s fault and human sacrifices have to be made per the course of human nature” when in reality most of it didn’t really have anything to do with natural disasters but more just man-made misery in the form of space colonization and unsafe working conditions that would completely eradicate the concept of a 0.1% margin of error that was introduced to be the core idea of the EDS ships and the fact that the girl had to be sacrificed. of course none of this really makes much sense because i’m not a critic or a good descriptor of anything literary just yet, but you’d get the point if you read the story and then read articles about it’s imperfections like i did. i have to admit, my interpretation of it was swayed by these opinions but not because i had their total opposite opinion but because i read it expecting it to have some really relatable moral of the story and didn’t want to doubt the authors capabilities to deliver a good one, which i still think he did but not in the way he thought, and instead kind of decided to brush off the issues i had with it because i thought maybe i was being too picky. this taught me that i really should stop assuming everything i’m gonna read will be a masterpiece or extremely important, and that sometimes i’m going to come across things i will disagree with in literature but i should still face them and attempt to find its pros and cons all the same because that makes for a wider range of things to learn, even if it’s something that goes against your own beliefs.

my grandpa got some ticket while driving because he always drives like he’s in a rush even though he has no reason to be and he’s also super old and my dad told me all about it, he was pretty pissed off at my grandpa but all i could think about is that he’s just so old he shouldn’t even be able to drive because it’s almost a hazard really. he’s also always on edge and it stresses me out to an extent but mostly i feel bad for him because i know it’s all how he was conditioned and he’s just a very old man, so it makes me sad for him in the end. also, on the way home from work i shouted “you guys are awesome!” and gave thumbs up to some anti-ice anti-trump protesters that are always protesting near my workplace and it felt very nice to finally let them know that i always am happy to see them on the way home. i always think what they’re doing is so great, specially since they’re older folk and i live in florida which is so insanely red and filled with self hating trump supporters of my own marginalized culture so sometimes it feels as if only younger people are against the horrible shit that goes on in this country and never older folk, it’s nice to be reminded that’s not the case at all times.

other than that i came home and had my usual meal, i wanna buy some tiny dishes for dipping sauces to pour all the different ones i love to buy to compliment my telltale bowl of grains and lentils. i’ve realized i’m unconsciously trying to make it sound like i can write some poetic prose and it probably isn’t all that good and maybe cringy so i apologize but dostoevsky and everyone else i’ve been reading has me inspired even if i know i can’t ever come close to them yet, but reading is so fun, and there’s so much out there to enjoy. oh, i really really want to read gone girl, that might be my next book if it’s short enough to pass off before lesmis, i’m so excited, seriously. i do have one more short story of that same APlit i came across today to read so i’ll probably listen to an audiobook of it tomorrow while i do my billing, and it’s a less busy day so i can probably get along just fine. youtube video essays are sort of just really boring and sometimes upsetting in their own way at the moment so audiobooks and reading might be where my peace actually resides.

today was a good day, i think. work went by in a sort of blur. i tried to take my mind off the stressful deals with the coding that honestly are no longer my issue at this point, and i will only address them once i am asked to take care of the requests once again where i will tell my boss exactly what i told her the other day that she ignored me about. i need to make sure to not be too stern with her though, i know she’s stressed and i honestly have tried to help her, but she doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal, so ll wait until she realizes that it is. other than that, mostly it went by pretty normally. i had a honey biscuit at the insistence of my coworker, and i guess it helped keep me a little full throughout the day, because i wasn’t feeling the lunch that was brought today either. maybe it is disordered eating but i really don’t consider it that, it’s mostly me getting busy with a lot of charts and stressed about whatever deal i have to solve for my boss that by the time i notice im hungry it’s already 4. i know it would seem like an excuse to others but its just the truth for me, on top of the fact that i hate to eat where theres can see me, it feels like they’re intruding in my space and i know i have to work on that sort of avoidance but its too strong at my workplace where anything gets you judged. but still it was a good day, i got home and showered and ate.

i got to read more of the double and eventually finished it at home, and i found it to be very good and enjoyable as usual with dostoevsky. i always sort of regret starting a dostoevsky book because im like aaahh here it goes again with the incomprehensible shit but a few pages into the first few chapters ill remember exactly why they’re so fun to read to me and why that incomprehensible aspect of it makes it some of the most entertaining prose ever. as usual with him i found myself relating to his main character, probably because of the weird quirks, and the neuroticism and hysteric aspects of them as well as the warped view of the world as a result of these hysterics, its almost a perfect recipe to have me attached to the narration and sort of finding kinship even in the most incomprehensible mentally deteriorating moments that the characters go through. this story in specific dealing with the hypocrisy of loving things secretly and hating on them publicly hit home as expected, even though it’s a pretty common concept and idea to explore in literature. i did think it felt a bit less introspective compared to something like notes from underground or crime & punishment (unfair comparison since that’s a behemoth of a book compared to a 100 or so pages of the double) but honestly that sort of younger feeling of dostoevskys years could be perceived in his writing, and i felt kind of endeared at it being one of his first attempts at a psychological horror sort of story. all in all i really liked it, and ive learned that reading while listening to an audiobook makes it even more enjoyable than just listening or just reading, as i was advised to do but was too stubborn to follow up on to begin with.