Writing Sibling Relationships
A sibling relationship is perhaps one of the most complicated things to realistically write about. Your character dynamics and personalities will help determine their relationships but here are some things to consider:
Think about how they were raised. Upbringing plays a large role in impacting a person’s character, and it also helps shape relationships with siblings.
Consider their favourite memories. Good memories are important to a person, and people often seek to create new memories similar to the old good ones. On the other side, also think about their worst memories.
Who was the oldest? Who was the baby? Birth order does have some impact on personality. It also is especially important for the earliest memories.
Think about the roles that they ended up in. Siblings do, to some extent, define themselves by how they are different from each other. They pursue different interests, take on different roles, and explore different identities. These roles can be a source of self-realisation and sometimes frustration.
Giving siblings personalities:
Choose personality traits for each sibling. Even if the sibling is only a minor character, it’s important to know their basic personality.
Think about each character’s dreams, hopes, and struggles. What do they want in life? What are their goals? Every character needs something to strive for.
Figure out their insecurities. Everyone feels insecure about different things: skills, personality traits, perceived physical flaws etc.
The siblings in your story might have similar looks, qualities and characteristics. However it’s important to make them their own person too.
Keep in mind that siblings might have the same habits, sometimes without even realising it. (Personal example- My eldest brother and I do not look the same. He has green eyes, mine are brown. I have dark hair, he’s blonde. Our faces are shaped different. He takes after our mum, I take after our dad. However, we have a lot of the same habits and mannerisms. We both carry ourselves in the same way, we both quirk our eyebrows in the same manner when confused. Little things like that, that when growing up I’ve picked up from him and vice versa.)
Things siblings do: (This is a generalisation)
Siblings know how to push each others buttons.
Usually they spend so much time with each other, they know exactly how to annoy their sibling and the best way to do it.
Whatever annoys your character, his (or her) siblings already know about it. If your character’s siblings decide to get on his nerves, it shouldn’t take them very long.
Most (if not all) siblings make fun of each other to some degree. Usually they are just messing with each other. Depending on the circumstances, the insult may be forgotten almost immediately.
But it’s important to consider how siblings react when someone else is picking on their brother or sister. A lot of siblings will get defensive in this situation. Unless you have set up a reason otherwise, make sure your siblings know how to tease each other but also how to protect each other.
They rarely call each other “sis” or “bro” unless they’re trying to be annoying. This is seen a lot in films and TV but it’s not common. The occasional greeting like that is fine, but overusing it just sounds strange and unnatural.
Siblings will argue other pretty much anything. Most of the time it’s just to get a reaction. Sometimes one will start an argument just because they’re bored.
The silent treatment! A lot of siblings, particularly children teenagers and young adults will give each other the silent treatment over the pettiest things. But it’s incredibly hard to ignore someone living in the same house as you for a long period of time.
The sibling on the receiving end of the silent treatment will usually do absurd and annoying things to get their brother or sister to speak.
Common things siblings argue about:
Who is going to use the bathroom first
Someone is taking too long in the bathroom
Who gets to sit in the front seat of the car
“Sibling relationships are our longest, but it’s also an accident by birth. There are no guarantees that the siblings will grow up with similar personalities, interests or like each other,”
You should be able to find plenty of conflict amongst brothers and sisters. But most of the time there is a resolution.
If you were to fall out with a friend, you can unfriend them, you can’t un-sister a sister, whether you like it or not you’re stuck with that person in some sense.
However, some siblings do fall out and never speak to each other again. It happens, but if this happens in your story there are a few things to consider:
When asked about their family will your character acknowledge that they have siblings? Or will they claim to be an only child?
Why did they stop speaking?
Would they reconcile in times of crisis? For example, if a family member died would the siblings put aside their differences to deal with the situation?
Do they tell stories about their childhood that include the sibling?
It’s important to remember that if someone has a sibling, a lot of their childhood memories and stories from growing up will have some reference or include that sibling. It’s hard to complete cut them out, they will be mentioned at some point.
Given the entangled, long-lasting bond, what’s the price paid for suspending or ending it?
Does the sibling have other brothers or sisters whose relationships are satisfying? “
“If they have no contact with a sibling, it’s losing a shared history and there can be a sense of guilt,”
Or are your character’s relieved? Do they express a sense of relief.
“Like the end of a marriage, sibling estrangement is always sad, even when it brings relief. It’s not what anyone hoped for, but sometimes it’s the wise and necessary choice.”
Ways of bringing together estranged siblings:
Write compassion between your characters. Show them trying to see things from the sibling’s viewpoint alongside their own.
Have them say what they want from their sibling moving forward. Don’t just have your characters vent all the time. Your reader might grow tired of that.
Confirmation of love and affection:
Are the siblings in your story the type to talk about feelings? Maybe they don’t talk about it but the feeling is still there. Consider showing the depth of their relationship through actions.
(Personal example - When I was born my brothers were 4 and 6 years older than me. From what my mum has said they were both excited to have another sibling and would fight about who got to hold me first. When we were younger we used to cuddle on the sofa and play together, and frequently said I love you etc, however as we got older that stopped. I can’t remember the last time I said I love you to either of them, which sounds terrible. But it doesn’t change the fact that I know they love me and that they know I love them, we just show it and say it in different ways.)
Relationships with parents:
How did parents or caregivers react to fights between siblings?
Was there parental favouritism, real or perceived? How did the non-favourite sibling(s) react?
Do your siblings stick together when arguing with their parents?
Would your characters lie in order to prevent their brother or sister being told off by their parents?
Some siblings will join forces to tease their parents.
What if the siblings don’t have a good relationship with their parents:
If this is the case in your story, research it, google is your friend.
Try and read up on real life experiences.
Consider how the siblings view their parents. Do they stand together with the same opinion or do they have conflicting recollection of events?
Do the parents have a healthy relationship with each other? How has this impacted their children?
Writing siblings who have abusive parents:
If the siblings come from an abusive home, how has this affect their behaviour?
Do the siblings ever talk about what happened?
Do they have the share the same experience? Do they ever argue about the situation?
Are they over protective?
Has their own relationship become strained? Have they drifted apart?
Do the siblings ever acknowledge the past? If not, does this cause friction?
Common assumptions about sibling age order:
Oldest child: people pleasing, bossy, organised, punctual, natural leader, controlling, ambitious, expected to uphold family values, caretakers, financially intelligent, responsible
Middle child: flexible, easy going, independent, sometimes feels like life is unfair, sometimes will engage in attention-seeking behaviour, competitive.
Youngest child: silly or funny, risk-taking, creative, sometimes feels inferior, easily bores, friendly, outgoing, idealistic, the baby of the family.
Only child: close to parents, demanding, leaders, spoiled, self-absorbed, private in nature, may relate better to adults to kids their own age, independent, responsible
While these are common assumptions, they are not strictly true and it’s important to consider your characters personality before you apply any of these stereotypes because it may clash with how your character truly is.
Half-siblings can run along several lines:
They might act like full siblings, depending on how long they’ve known each other.
They may view each other as space takers.
Your characters may feel “eh” about their half- sibling, they could just be someone who is there but they don’t have a relationship with. The half-sibling may even be a complete stranger.
Consider that they might be rivals. Are they friendly rivals or bitter rivals?
Don’t get caught up in trying to build their relationship based on what “should be” in accordance with society. As you establish these characters, let your own imagination lead you to what their relationship is. But remember that their relationship will be impacted on how the parents treat them too.
(@its-the-tear-in-my-heart thanks for asking about sibling relationships. This post is more generalised than your question but I hope it helped in some way.)
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