QueenOfTheReapers

Christ alive it’s been a bad couple of weeks

I threw away my vape pen from eaze and I don’t have any other weed left. I also removed myself from eaze’s text messages and emails. I’m done with this shit. No more weed. This isn’t who I am and this isn’t who I want to be. It’s breaking my brain.

I’m very frustrated with the fact that I constantly give the exact same advice to her that her brother does and she hems and haws about all the reasons she shouldn’t take my advice or why it won’t work but as soon as her fucking brother says the exact same thing to her it’s like he’s the smartest person that ever lived. No one else has ever suggested something so genius before and she must do what he says immediately. Good to know she values what I say

I’m a broken, useless daughter. I’m not what they wanted or expected, and nothing I do can change that

So I rock back and forth while sitting sometimes and I never really noticed or I stopped as soon as I noticed, but since I got diagnosed and learned what “stimming” is, I suddenly felt ashamed and tried to fight it anytime I noticed a hint of it. But tonight I was all alone in the garage watching YouTube videos and I let loose and let myself rock back and forth without fighting and holy shit that’s so calming?? It’s like it cut my stress by 50% just doing that

My girlfriend starts crying whenever anything upsets her, whereas I bottle everything up until I have a nervous breakdown. So I feel like I’m constantly trying to pull her back to equilibrium while surreptitiously sinking until I hit the bottom of the pit and implode. I’ll be honest, both methods of dealing suck.

Okay so I read an entire steamy romance novel in a couple hours tonight. I never read romance novels, and this was a STRAIGHT romance novel. Like, what the hell? But also, my girlfriend and I haven’t had the privacy to get it on since November, so maybe I’m just pent up?

Why is it so much harder to try to pass as neurotypical some days?

Can someone tell me why I’m still dragging my sister’s ass through college? I’ve been dragging her ass through school since she was five and I’m having enough trouble with my own shit and yet I somehow feel responsible for her? Is it because she thinks I know everything and I don’t want to prove her wrong? I dunno, but one day, she’s gonna have to learn that I don’t have all the answers

This last year I started smoking weed way more than I ever did before (a couple times a week) partially to cope with the fact that I’ve been stuck with my dysfunctional ass family for over a year. Now I’m trying to quit that shit and goddamn my family is so much easier to deal with while high. But I can’t afford to get the munchies as bad as I do when I’m trying to lose weight

Sometimes I wonder how someone can hate themself so much and not show it to the outside world. But at the same time, I also wonder how much of my self loathing is me, and how much of it is the mental disorders. I wish I could separate myself from them easier.

I refuse to beg like a dog for a single scrap of your affection.

I am deeply shamed. I was doing so well, and I drank too much tonight. It wasn’t even intentional, I was just hanging out with friends and they were pouring drinks and I guess they were stronger than I thought and now I feel so guilty.

Am I gonna drink wine out of the bottles tonight? Of course I am.