OliviaElise

I carried him for 37 weeks before our health was at risk and I had to be induced immediately due to preeclampsia. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy until the day I went into L&D for high blood pressure. I didn’t expect to give birth the way I did, and despite a traumatic labor, my actual birth was amazing. But sometimes I sit holding my perfect son, and I think of how quickly I had to let go of being pregnant. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my body or have time to really accept that he wasn’t going to be safe and growing inside me. I then was awake for 69 or something hours during labor, and went unmedicated on pitocin for 36 of them. The exhaustion that hit during labor and the days immediately after was absolutely insane and I feel like I’m just now pulling out of it.

I also didn’t prepare for the absolute whirlwind of emotions and hormones that come along with giving birth. I’ve cried so many times, more than I did during pregnancy. And most of it has been because it’s just insane to me that I’m finally here. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. It didn’t hit me so hard being pregnant, but having this teeny little being here and being able to hold him and kiss him and love on him, it’s so real. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be finally. And I’m so grateful for my husband. He has been my rock. Throughout a very difficult labor, recovering from a life threatening condition, and now being home. He is the most supportive person and partner I could ask for. I cried while he took the dog for a walk yesterday because I’m so appreciative that he gave me this. He gave me this life. I didn’t have to beg, or plead, or let go of a dream. He walked into it with me, despite his fears, and has been an amazing dad.

It’s an odd thought to me sometimes that so much time has passed and life has just gone on since I was miserable and dealing with shitty situation after shitty situation. I’m at the point where I get to just live my life and plan for things accordingly. It’s such a wild concept that I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well… a part of me is, but that’s abusive relationships for ya.

I’ve written a few things that are sitting in my drafts because I don’t want applicable people to know that they take up headspace. I’m trying to get to the point where living our best lives is the best kind of karma, and I feel like I’m close to that mindset so I digress.

I’m still no contact with most of my siblings and my father. And I need it that way. In an interesting turn of events, my husband actually converses with my sister and I do not… so that’s a thing. She’s had some stuff transpire that makes it best for us to keep our distance from each other for now, and I have no interest in communication at the moment so it’s working out for the best.

Which brings me to something big. Babies. I’m not pregnant and nothing in this life is concrete, but husband and I have our plans set in place in order to get the gears moving. The poor guy. We have conversations almost everyday on timing, and ovulation, and baby names, etc. etc. I don’t want him to think he’s losing me or us when we embark on this journey, we’re just changing some things…. Forever…. I wish we had more time. Sure, my eggs aren’t dead yet and I have wanted children for yearssss, but I wish we had the time together that we wasted on other people.