أحب نفسي

Salaam alykum,

I would like to first commend you on your Islamic question haiku, and it seemed to distill your concerns in a way that I will try to use as a sort of “map” to attempt to make sense of your concerns.

Before I continue, though, I’d like to say that, while I understand that life in High School is tough, I’m not a girl, I never have been, and there are some issues which I might not be able to help you with. I have posted before about the Muslim Women who I admire and respect, who are far better equipped to answer your girl-related questions than I. So, if you find my answer disappointing, I suggest them as far better resources than I.

So, let’s tackle High School. I will do this in the way that my brother-in-law (who will be a daddy, soon, insha Allah) dealt with me when discussing how I should approach College when I had just finished High School. The sad part is, as you will find out, insha Allah, is that the issues are the same for both.

High School doesn’t matter. The people, your concerns, what you worry about socially, what you worry about academically even (sometimes), all that stuff, literally does not matter. You will be friends with like, 2 people afterwards, and then after you grow up a bit, you’ll stop being friends with them too. I’ve had the same best friend since pre-school, so, there are obviously exceptions, but, by-and-large let me give you a preview of what life is going to be like in a few years:

You’re going to go to the mall, to pick up a video gam….er a gift for your mother, and you’re going to be walking along, and then you’re going to bump into someone you were amazing friends with in high school. From there you will have this awkward conversation about what you have done in the subsequent years since you were BEST FRANDS FOR LYFE and they’ll talk about how they were drunk in college, and are now trying to get this “internship” or finishing out their seventh year in college because they failed three years because “f*** it I’m young” looked really cool on their laptop screen as they partied with three other friends in their dorm room and drank terrible beer in their musky and humid surroundings, only to realize, years later, that maybe they should have been studying instead.

You see, High School was horrendous for me. Let’s just say, being named Osama, and being a freshman at a new school where you know no one, when September 11th happens eight days into your first year, I’ll let your imagination run with that. So, the fact that I made it out alive, was a miracle.

The point is, High School is a joke, just get through it and get to college. Once you are in college, forget about “having fun,” or “having an experience,” forget about all the things you think about college. Forget friends, because that scenario I mentioned earlier, it keeps repeating itself (forever, I’m finding) and so focus on one thing, and one thing only: your grades. Grades will open doors for you and let you make choices, rather than have to make the best of what you’re left with. If you can lock down good grades, only then should you worry about anything else, and if you compromise your grades for anything, stop it. Look, Grad schools and jobs ask for your GPAs, test scores, and resumes, not how many meaningful friendships and fun you had.

Your singular focus should be to better yourself, and believe me, the only thing you will learn by falling into the pitfalls of temptation, at any level, is simply to learn through healing wounds. Alhamdulilah, I had many older siblings, cousins, and other various family friends who were much older than me and were able to guide me and help me avoid these issues. I simply want to offer you the same advice I received, which I realize is very “Alpha Male” and “High-five” Muslim Barney Stinson-style stuff, but I truly think you should simply avoid these issues.

When you fall into temptation, whether that is alcohol, drugs, smoking, or infantile relationships (dating before you’re ready to take care of someone else is an infantile relationship, at any age) the process in which you emerge from those issues, if you do, is through scars. I am not a girl, but, it seems through my limited personal experience, girls are the ones who are more liable to be hurt this way, because boys have a framework in which their behavior can be applauded and encouraged, which is something that girls do not have.

Is that unfair? Of course. Is it going to change? Doesn’t look like it, so prepare yourself, which doesn’t mean I condone that behavior, to be crystal clear.

That is why I’d warn you away from boys, not just because you are describing them as boys (which, honestly, should be reason enough) but also because I promise you, they will hurt you. Sure, there is this story, of this one friend of your cousin’s sister, who lives in Toronto, who heard a story that this girl met this amazing guy at an MSA event, and he’s so respectful, and he totally went to her parents and he’s about to go to medical school, and then they’re getting their nikkah done, amagawd, so wonderful.

That’s probably not going to happen to you, and it didn’t happen for me either, and honestly, this goes for both boys and girls, avoid these relationships, because you are children.

Look, I’m not calling you children because I’m old, or because I’m bitter because I’m old, but because I do not think you will be ready, and to be honest, neither was I (at that age) ready to take care of another human being. Let’s forget financial issues, even if you are the son of some billionaire family, how many of you are ready to be there, emotionally, for another human being? I’m not talking, “so sorry you got a B+, let’s make out” I’m talking, you’re ready to support the person who says “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?! WHO ARE YOU?! I HATE YOU!”

Now, that sounds pretty terrible, but honestly, that’s love. Love is not what I see on tumblr, with these awkward gifs (please, no one wants to see some random couple making out, [side note: who is the creep that is filming these hookups?]) or these pictures of couples hugging, or these hijabi girls with their bearded husband, awwwww.

True love is being hurt, and you go to that person, and they do whatever they can to make you feel better; love is allowing that person in so that they can (help). Love is being sick and barfing and that person is there, taking care of you. Love is being yelled at, and knowing that she just wants to know you care, and you do. Love is supporting that person not just when they are on high, but when they are at their lowest point. Love is growing together, becoming better, getting closer to your religion, to your family.

Love is something that should enrich your values, not compromise them.

Do you think you can get that from someone you describe as a boy? Let me tell you, as a former boy, you can’t. Boys don’t do that. Boys can’t do that. Boys are really simple creatures, and they will not be able to understand your complexity, your emotions, and they will disappoint you. They will also probably hurt you, and that pain will not just overwhelm you, but it can come to define you, and perhaps prevent you from letting the right man into your life.

So, honestly, if that isn’t warning enough, I don’t know what is. I’m telling you from what I’ve seen (don’t assume things about me, please) and it never ends well. There is nothing in which you are “in too deep” with, unless you’re part of some drug cartel and they won’t let you walk away, but I have a feeling that’s not the case.

You don’t have children with these boys, no mortgage, no mother-in-law to take care of, so what is “too deep?” Honestly, it’s just the concerns that you have today, and I promise, by God I promise, you will literally laugh at what you are worried about today, not just in a few years, but next year.

Let me put it to you this way: were you super worried about whether you could get this toy, or whatever when you were like nine? You probably were. Besides the fact that toys don’t leave emotional scars (unless you’re talking pogs, but that’s just my age showing) the reality is, today, you look at your freaking out over “My little pony” or whatever as something that you joke about. I promise you, whatever temptations or concerns you have today, will be the exact same way: you will laugh about them, insha Allah.

If you think I am wrong, come back to me in a few years, insha Allah, and tell me whether I was wrong or not. Insha Allah, I hope that when you do, you are telling me about how you met your amazing husband at an MSA Halaqa, but do you really feel like rolling the dice on that? I strongly suggest you don’t.

I am not saying, don’t be friends with people, give everyone the finger, and study in your room until you can no longer move. What I am saying is have your priorities in order, and put your education first without compromise (obviously if your mother or father, God forbid, are dying… Do I have to say this?), but also, stay away from boys, not just because I’m trying to do my best impression of an old Muslim father/brother, but because I want you to protect yourself.

If a man wants to be with you, he’ll be serious, tell you his intentions, go to your parents, tell them his intentions, and go from there. Boys don’t do that, and anyone who doesn’t, isn’t a man, even if they might be old enough to be one.

Charles Dickens

وَلَا تَكُنْ مِنَ الْغَافِلِينَ

And do not be among those who are oblivious (of their duty to God). (Quran 7:205)