The Queen's Domain

So I am here again and I am disappointed. I suppose I shouldn't be. I saw this failing before it even happened. I can't be mad at something that my own negative thought probably willed into existence. The trip that never happened. The loss of money. Hard earned money, I should be bawling right now. I am sorry, I don't really feel like rhyming. While it bothers me, blogging just this way. Putting this in rhyme would just be too much effort. I don't wish to expel too much of my energy whining about my stupidity. This was a pricey ass lesson I had to learn though. I want my money back. August 2nd is coming up and I could've really celebrated, but instead i will be broke on my birthday. Plans fall through all the time. However this was the first real plan I ever made and for it to go awfully bad, well it may affect me the rest of my life.

You took me by surprise, it is hat to search for genuine in a sea of lies. So to have met your acquaintance was like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. It seem like you could bring some color to my gray. I didn't realized my world lacked vibrant colors til you. I have stirrings...who knows the depths I could feel, what should I do? Dive into your world and explore or do the usual and shy away and act like I am a bore? You would lose interest and that is wanted...right? No, not at all but I feel like I should do that...tonight. I am really tired of hiding though and you make me want to stay visual. The impact you've had on my life in just a short amount of time feels visceral. The cut is deep but I am loving the pain. You almost make me feel like I have found at the very least comraderie and that I am not completely insane. Thank you for your conversation, it means a great deal. I hope that this poem shows you a glimpse into what I could possibly one say feel.

It is hard being wrong about people and I usually am. I am used to taking L's but it still doesn't get easier, I need a plan. A foolproof failsafe so that I can prevent douche nozzles from infiltrating my world. It seem I will keep inviting them in though for as long as my fro has curl. Could it me the masochist in me. No, no way I can really love that sort of misery. The lessons that life teaches me never fail to strike that chord from within. I guess I should just maintain my fake af lopsided grin. Why do I keep mistaking shit bags for bags of solid gold? I guess I will never know and I don't want to, truth be told. I always tell myself I am going to stop making my rhymes simplistic but I really have no time or intrinsic. I get my thoughts out clearly, regardless of eloquence. That is the best I can hope for, besides their is little room for pretense. Goodbye asshole who shall remain nameless. Just know that in our dealings when I was mistaken, you are far from blameless.

Cutting it close, living on the edge. Trying hard to live up to this pledge. I made my friend Arteicka a bit earlier this year. If I were a drinker, I might have a beer. I am worried I will miss my window of posting opportunity… but even if I don’t make it before midnight, posted stuff for me. I think I once again may have, at least in part, ruined something good. If I could change me and the way my brain works I would. That is a lie I am me, I make no apologies. Still I would have stifled my negativity to keep the positive train from derailing. I am good at one thing only it seems and that is failing. I didn’t think my misery was contagious, but after viewing a few comments on a rather rude departure announcement, it might be…and what I saw was outrageous. Ugliness was never my intent, just felt free to vent. I dunno how to wrongs, just thought mistakenly I’d finally found where I belong.

p>I am not something one can build upon. It is a futile effort to try. I am a self destructive weapon, please don’t ask me, I honestly don’t know why. Though I do, sort of, it is a harrowing journey to self love. Do not try to restore what is irreparably broken. You will only get frustrated. I have demonstrated how deep my self loathing is, I even do it with words I have yet to write and words unspoken. I am happy you care enough to try but honestly just why? I get if you can’t accept a damaged being and though it is hard I can manage a goodbye. There are more important things to invest time in. Instead of trying to recycle something in the garbage bin. Stop trying to get past this level on the defected game i am…you most assuredly will never win. I can only only restore the shattered remnants of self. I keep trying to work on my deteriorating mental health. My friends say that self love isn’t hard at all but I can’t to get it right, Still every time I stumble and fall, I pick myself back up and I continue to fight.

This matters to me. A place where i can just be. Masks aren’t allowed. Who I am is, presently, as of right now. No requirement to impress, no dress code enforced, be naked and willing to confess. I mean your thoughts should be naked and open to be shared. The vulnerable and naked soul is very seldom seen and rare. Can you bare all for a real connection? Reach further into me than you can by mere physical affection. Don’t hide from me and I will show you things others don’t usually see. If we free ourselves from our comfort zones, the places in our subconscious, we’d know no bounds to where could Rome. Feeling unashamed and safe with our combined innermost thoughts. Seems freeing, even it is difficult to do, it really isn’t asking a lot.

I would love to say a resounding yes to all of you. I can't obviously and my complicated wants only grew. Wanting to be many for many just because she likes interaction with attractive men. Smh, I am destined for solo dolo, because my indecision and the fact that I do not spread my self around reveal the flaws in my vision. I can't wait forever. I need one I could say yes to, but I will waste time and it will all be through. I procrastinate in order to avoid choice, what I really want? Well I am not even sure I can give it a voice. I bask in the the mutual attraction of many possible suitors. Only there will be none as time passes, and in the stands of my subconscious, all I hear are booers What to do what to do? How many will feel me, and how few?

You have the winning hand and I never do. I often can't help but wonder how do I win you. You make feel like pining for you. I would probably wait forever if you asked me to. I can't do that though, it would accomplish nothing. I think deep down you know, all the inner turmoil you bring. Keeping my options open on the off chance, I get a night of passion with you. I have tunnel vision, but I am wise enough to know I'll never be your boo. I keep failing to see past what I want to choose what I need. Sometimes it is like I feel weak and gaunt and you are my feed. A sustenance that will only temporarily keep me sated. I can't lie, you're in my heart and previously, I've waited. To be in yours too, but I want the impossible, so what shall I do? Enjoy you for as long as you allow and when you've gone I won't crumble, this I vow.

I am trying hard to understand why you seem to want to cause me friction. This is precisely why I have big worries, bad omens and predictions. This trip will no doubt be eye opening. Though I really want to vibe like we use to, there are glaring signs that says I shouldn't have spent that money and now I have no other choice, what do I do? You will always stand out in my mind as something I wanted, but could never quite possess, I need reassurances and you've given me none.Fo you mean to cause me undue stress? Am I only going to see the inside of a hotel/ motel room, waiting on a night on the town that wasn't to be, will you fill me with gloom? I hope that this scenario will not be one that plays out. When excitement, turns to dread, I regret I didn't choose a different route. I want to believe even now that you are an honorable man though and and that this meet up will not be one big NO.

You will forever remain a superhero to me. A day, was all it took for you to set me free. You used your occupation and went above and beyond the call of duty. Within a few hours…you freed me of a 3 year long torment. Quick friends, and I am still reeling from how wrong it all went. What did I do to make you treat me with complete apathy? I never meant to hurt you and I am not asking for your sympathy. I know you aren’t the business of handing out chances, but I would like a third try, no sideways glances. Please reconsider me as a friend, I would hate for your presence in my life to end. I will prove to you I am an asset. I will always remember you even if me you forget. Anything within my meager means is yours if you only ask it of me, If we never communicate again, I will always look back and smile at your handsome face and pray you’ll remain in my memories.

Social media has been too much of a distraction. I allowed it to stifle my creativity and became missing in action. I temporarily forgot that this, is my little piece of sanity. Deeming people who have no problem canceling me out more important than this blog I like to do. I have been gone for too long and to this I must remain true. My love for my craft must be unwavering and unyeilding. The many problems I face in my day to day life, this works as shielding. I have neglected and now I owe myself 6 posts. I can no longer use excuses or my no self esteem to coast. This is the only firm grasp I have on peace. So today, I must write like my mode is set on beast. Open up my floodgates and let my innermost thoughts flow freely. This is my mindset and my tunnel vision has to be fortified, really. Nothing is more important than my writing. Loosening my grip on this one thing always proves frightening.

Nobody is ever prepared for this crazy ride but biology says we must take it. We are locked in tight and we don't know when it will end. The anxiety inducing slow climbs, the terrifying plunges all are overwhelming. Then some sharp turn can shock your souls right out of your body. We could scream at the top of our lungs "STOP THE RIDE" but no one hears, your voice is drowned out by everyone else's deafening fears. Your get sick a few times from the loop the loops and you beg from relief but it doesn't happen. All we can do is ride...it it ends and get off...on the other side.

I am undefined by societal norms. I choose to be unmolded, unformed. You may see something you like within this lump of flesh. Or my visage could repulse you and you choose to avoid this mess. I am more than what most seem to see and my image should appeal to the most important admirer, me. This nondescript being has never thought herself lovely to look upon. That is a problem she still makes futile efforts to eradicate. Why does she feel like she needs the stamp of approval from other to appreciate? This woman she's never seen directly, just from reflection. She constantly battles within herself whether or not she is deserving of affection. She doubts admirers because she has few while others have many. Yet she knows it is all subjective, it is only surface, she secretly wishes her reflection was widely admired, to give her a false sense of purpose.

My heart is in different places, I want all to partake in the depths of my love. It is definitely possible to feel strong emotions for multiple people. My thing is that is it really something I can handle? I can barely think of properly loving and caring for one man let alone four. Plus what happens when I love someone as I never had before? Do I damn my poly curiosity and do what is more socially and societally acceptable. All the men I can really see myself intimately for a long while with are scattered across the fifty. The likelihood of my wishes seem impossible. Especially since I know one in particular told me upfront he wouldn't be with that poly life. It seems like practicing this alternative lifestyle would only cause undue stress and strife. I am only rhyming sporadically so deal with it. I once again procrastinated doing this and my inbox as been surprisingly active and lit. Who knows what this celibate, isolated hermit will choose, but if I wait too long to decide I'll accomplish nothing and I will lose.

It is just something that I feel I have to do, for me. I never ever truly do things for myself, I have begun to see. This habitual patten was meant to be broken. No longer have the energy to care whatever negativity is spoken. Counterproductive to readership goal as it well maybe. I still value my blogging obscurity. Less pressure to try and please the public eye with my thoughts. If I lose my artistic vision, what else have I got? I thought I had little to nothing before, if I start focusing on views and follows, my lack will be that much more. Never thought you could increase upon little? Well I assure you that it can be done. I wish that for absolutely no one. It is important to at least enjoy what you do even if you can't always love it. The beauty is there in the process, even without gain or profit.