Andulka
Not today Justin
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Love Begins
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taylor price
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@queenlyonmain
Okay that's enough crashing out on this sideblog, I don't actually like using it for that. Made a private Discord server for - well, hopefully not too much actual crashing out, but I need a space to talk to a small coterie of people about things and I don't currently have anywhere I'm happy with. If we at least somewhat know each other and you're interested in that, DM to ask for an invite - not guaranteed but I don't mind the ask
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That's wild man, thank you
Okay time to fork my consciousness into 5 different branches so I can induce vicious self-hatred spirals in all of them and test out the various preventative measures suggested by Claude
Hmm, that was required alarmingly fast, tho tbf I'm still in a Heightened Vulnerability state right now. Kinda worked, but it took over 20 minutes of frantic effort and I'm still tense. Might not hold. Better than not doing anything probably. Needs to be quicker. I will tell myself "this can be usefully improved upon".
Okay time to fork my consciousness into 5 different branches so I can induce vicious self-hatred spirals in all of them and test out the various preventative measures suggested by Claude
I've been using a hair tie I keep on my wrist to snap me out of spirals and flashbacks, and it's distressing how well it works after I got used to it, it feels like it's snapping my soul back into my body. It's operant conditioning all the way down, I'm nothing but a dog. A damned dog.
Yeah I'm trying to think of ways to apply this or similar techniques to other problems I have. I'm genuinely less socially anxious after just a few months of not even doing it that much. Better than being doomed tbh
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
How long is the intermittent crashing out phase supposed to last, I'm three years in and still insane about my body, but people keep wanting to date me.
You should probably ask someone who's through it lol but I'm sure the answer is "it depends on you and the work you put in" or some unfortunately true bullshit like that. Now that I'm out of it and back to feeling fine I am telling myself "this is a fixable problem, there are techniques to substantially improve things for myself". The fact that I have made considerable improvements to my mental health in other areas is a significant encouragement; if you can also look to gains you've made elsewhere to tell yourself that this is doable too.
At least some of these changes can happen quicker than I expect though, at least once I've found something that works and have reached the point where I'm like "okay I seriously need to do this"
The palm flick almost certainly works less because of the mild sting and more because it forces a moment of noticing — it's a pattern interrupt plus a flash of metacognitive awareness ("oh, I'm doing the thing").
An almost new Claude account and it still knows to slip into my subcultural verbiage so easily....
Continue to be doing a p. good job at keeping my self-esteem up and my ongoing self-hate monologue suppressed. Esp. considering some events that might under other circumstances have set me off way more. In addition to flicking myself whenever I notice an irrational thought bubbling up, as posted about earlier, I am also intermittently trying to present my brain with appropriate counter-narratives - "Nobody ever asks questions like that", "It's actually insulting your friend to imagine they'd think that", "That's fucking stupid", etc. Not sure how much of a difference the counter-narratives are having, maybe a little bit.
When I'm tired I can still unravel a bit but that's normal for most people. I think I am keeping myself within the bounds of an only moderately neurotic person.
Despite appearances, I have actually been quite effective at reducing this specific unhealthy thought pattern to much lower levels than before, on an ongoing basis. Much less anxious about what friends and strangers think of me, generally more comfortable around others. Not sure these specific techniques are applicable to the other stuff that's been making me crash out lately, but it's a good sign that I can clicker train my brain better than I thought. Will ponder this
Hm I think HRT is finally starting to put me in touch with my feelings (pejorative)
90% of the time I feel much better but yeesh
So sick of feeling like this, man. I've made real progress and people mostly like me and I'm still utterly incapable of getting out of my own way and becoming comfortable with myself. Would it be easier if I wasn't the only real obstacle to happiness and fun? Idk, maybe!
Hm I think HRT is finally starting to put me in touch with my feelings (pejorative)
90% of the time I feel much better but yeesh
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Hm I think HRT is finally starting to put me in touch with my feelings (pejorative)
Hate hate HATE it when you join a fun new community and the role of Notable Incest Fan People Send Incest To is already taken
It's like if you joined tumblr with plans to become the Owl Guy and then you saw argumate. But with incest
Hate hate HATE it when you join a fun new community and the role of Notable Incest Fan People Send Incest To is already taken
Sometimes I feel like I have no long term goals/desires whatsoever, to the point that when I look back on my past selves it can be literally hard to tell whether I once had them and lost them or whether they were never actually there to begin with. But when I squint I think the answer is that they were so thin and flimsy - "uh, I'd like to do something writerly I guess?" - that they may as well have never existed at all. Nothing that I ever felt strongly about to do the work to start to bring it into the realm of the concrete, more just gestures at the sort of person I thought I was and should be. This is an equally unsatisfying answer though. Not really much I can do with that. Not too easy to just start to feel things strongly.
If you gave me a magic device that will grant one wish in an ironic fashion I'm not sure I could resist wishing for people to lust after me all the time but I would at least spend a day or two hammering out the wording to avoid the most obvious pitfalls
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
you seem attractive and pleasant to date
Now that I'm like 80% through the "intermittent crashing out" phase of early transition - maybe
Well obviously I'm bumping this up so everyone can see your shame
you seem attractive and pleasant to date
Now that I'm like 80% through the "intermittent crashing out" phase of early transition - maybe