The Beautiful and Damned

Do you ever get so lonely that you try to find a space outside of you where that loneliness can spill over? It’s like that today.

It’s been like that lately, in fact.

So much that I have lost all possible free spaces to put my loneliness to that I’m getting this urge to uproot myself from here and find a new space to fill till this loneliness runs out.

Maybe I’ll do just that.

The past month was difficult despite March being my favorite of all twelve. This year’s March fed me my first dose of my depressive attacks for the year. It started with severe sadness  that left me to rot in bed for almost 24 hours, lifeless and no will to do anything but try to stay alive. I went past that.

Then came the part where I started eating all imaginable forms of food and finding enough reason in me to devour fried chicken three times in one day, a pair each time. I thought the hunger came as a pre-menstrual alert but it was, of course, a sign of a downhill slope sculpted by my mental imbalance. And I went past that.

Somebody noticed how, despite all the work that i have been doing recently, I still find the time to sneak in very lengthy sleep. The year I knew something was wrong, I slept a lot. And recently, I have been sleeping a lot. I’m almost past that.

The past two days, I have been having a hard time falling asleep despite all efforts of dozing off. I’m at the part where I will be sleeping for bite-sized hours regardless of how tired or spent or done I will be. Insomnia as a symptom of depression. I was tossing in bed for hours until I found it hopeless to try. Here is to my second consecutive sunrise for the week, effortlessly caught.

So now I’m writing. Usually this is the time where my brain hurls thoughts like vomit on a drunken night only that my brain got drunk from all the instability of its chemicals and whatever else is in it. This is the part where i write often, where I tell the world of what’s going on, where I try to shed light. This is the part where I tell the world my story in the hopes that maybe, with what I have to tell, I can change something, spark something.