Little Miss Accountant

First of all, I don’t know if “contentment” is a  word. So for you not to be confuse  here it goes.

5 months. It’s been 5 months since I failed everyone.  5  months since I got my first job.

I am happy. I earn my own money. I pay some of  our  bills. I can buy what I want.

I thought everything is fine, not until yesterday.

Retaking the board  exam is  not part of my plan. But my  parents are pushing me to  enter review school again and  they are willing to  pay my fees in review  school.

Actually, I’ve been thinking of taking it one last time but next year not this year.

But then ayun na nga, pinipilit nila ako.

What they don’t  know  is that “Hindi sa hindi  ako handa  magreview at magexam ulit. Hindi ko palang talaga kayang masaktan ulit”

Hindi nila magets  kung gaano kasakit. For them, exam lang yun. But for me, Ako yung nagaral ng limang taon. Ako yung nagreview at nabaliw  ng limang buwan. Di ko sila masisisi. Mahirap naman talga magpaaral

But andun na nga tayo, I did my best. I helped them, kumuha ako ng scholarship.  Maliit pero  atleast  medyo nakakatulong.

Grumaduate  ako on time. Hindi ako nagloko. Hindi ako bumagsak. Hindi ako nagbisyo. Nagaral lang talaga  ako.

Ngayon ko lang  naeexperience yung ganito. Tumambay, Maginom, gumala, umuwi ng walang iniisip.

Mahirap  mabuhay  while  reaching your parent’s  expectation.

Mahirap maging perfect daughter.  Madali siguro  mag imagine  having one.

It’s hard to explain why I am refusing to do it. Feeling kasi nila tinatamad  lang ako or what.

Pero sa  kabila ng lahat ng yun, isa  lang naisip ko.

Hindi  nila matanggap na yung anak nilang achiever  at pinagmamalaki ay hindi nakapasa ng board exam.

Tangina. Sakit men!

Masakit.  Yun lang talaga yung kaya  kong sabihin.

Ayoko  na.

Eto yung mga panahon na kailangan ko ng makakausap  pero wala. Mahirap  magopen sa mga taong alam mo na hindi ka naman maiintindihan. After  mo magkwento they’ll be like “ahh. kaya mo yan” di yun yung kailangan ko.

Syempre sa lahat naman ng blogs ko kasama si  “the man who can’t be named” kung sana andito lang siya may iiyakan ako, may kkwentuhan ako, may magcocomfort sakin.

Parang gago kasi mas naiiyak  pa ko pag iniisip ko na wala na.

Pero  about dapat to sa  plano ko in life.

Wag na nating pahabain.

It's been so long since I've thought about something that I want to talk about. With myself of course.

It's been like what? 2 or 3 months? since I got my job. I am paid well, yes? hahaha I really don't know cause it seems like it's not enough for my "luho" lol.

Anyway, here's the thing. Single padin ako.

Walang may pake I know but I just want to have a quick analysis of myself.

So... Maganda. (haha charot lang yun agad.) Mabait. Oo naman parang gusto ko na ngang magtayo ng charity sa sobrang bait ko ehh. Magiging mabait din ako sa magiging future <3 ko College graduate. Well I am very very proud that I am a graduate of a 5 year super duper hard na course. Kaya kong magtyaga at magpuyat at mahintay maging akin ka lang. :D CPA Non passer. Well, medyo tabingi tayo dyan kasi hindi ako pasado ng board but wait, mahaba pa ang panahon. MAlay natin. Kung para sakin, akin ka nalang. hahaha Employed. I am curently working in a Japanese manufacturing company. Who knows? Sooner or later baka maging akin ka na. Family oriented. Aba handa akong iwan lahat pero not my family. Mahal na mahal ko pamilya ko kaya mahalin mo na din ako.

Ayan nalang wala na ko maisip.

Kaya ko lang naman bnreak down yan ng bonggang bongga kasi I have a very very big question in my mind...

"Bakit kaya wala akong boyfriend?" "What's wrong with me?" O baka naman, "What's wrong with you?"

I really don't know what to do. Siguro I will wait mga 3 years more, kaya ko pa naman. But just in case, I'm ready. Charing. I am so not ready maging Tita nalang for life.

So that's it.

Medyo magulo yung arrangement ng utak ko so magulo din yung arrangement ng thoughts.

Byeeeeee....

xoxo,

So yeah.

I failed the CPALE. Sadly. At first, di ko matanggap at all that I really cried talaga after reading messages from my family and friends. Masakit. But they said that you need to poke the wound for it to heal immediately.

I tried diverting myself on other things like finding a job whatsoever. Well I succeeded andd landed on a job that I hope I'll last.

Anyway, I started last November 7 and my superiors are not even CPA passers. So I just had a thought, it's not really the title. Well para sakin yun. Hindi naman sa sumusuko na ko pero kasi. Ewan baka di talaga para sakin. Maybe soon I'll try again but not now. Masyadong pagod pa yung utak ko at buong pagkatao ko. Totoo.

Yes. Tapos na. Isang araw nalang lalabas na yung results.

The past months, you know everytime I close my eyes to pray I always tell Him "Your will be done, I will accept anything" but parang di ko kayang panindigan. I can't fail.

I grew up showing them I am an achiever. I didn't know I'll end up a failure. I don't know the results yet but hayy kinakabahan ako ng sobra. Ayoko isipin but kinakabahan ako. What will I do if I failed? I don't know if I can't take it. Tho I wouldn't end my life. But it will leave a big scar in my life for sure.

As we all know, I was in a 5 year relationship 3 yrs ago. So if you do the math dapat 8 years na kami. Sayang noh? But would you still tell me "sayang" if I told you na sa course ng relationship namin hindi kami nagkita? Hindi diba? Some will tell me na ang tanga ko while the others will say ang tanga tanga ko. Haha. Why?! Nainlove lang ako. Di ko kasalanan na kaya palang magmahal ng puso ko ng tao na hindi niya nakikita. Mahirap? Oo. Pero masarap din. Masarap mainlove swear.

After 3 years, hindi ko padin siya makalimutan. Altho di na ko umiiyak, wala ng luha pero ewan ko "mahal ko padin ATA"

Maybe I'm still settling in this situation kasi wala ehh, wala pang kapalit.

You know there are things that you will never understand unless maranasan mo. So don't judge me. Minahal ko siya kahit di ko siya nakita or nahawakan. So what?! Who are you to judge? Wala kang alam.

Yeah, so nasa stage na ko ng moving on kung saan pinagtatanggol ko nalang kung anong meron kami DATI at di na umaasa na magkakaroon pa ng KAMI in the future.

Here it goes.

05/24/2018

4 days from now and I will start my review for my CPALE. Obviously, kinakabahan ako. As in real na kaba this time. Pinaka kabang kaba na time ko to unlike sa kaba na naramdaman ko dati tuwing finals.

I know kulang ako sa effort this summer. Wala akong nagawa or whatsoever na makakapagcontribute sa review ko. Puro gala kasi ayun nga. Live life to the fullest. Whatever. Haha. So syempre cramming to the max nanaman.

Anyway, I don't know how to be ready. I am so not ready to enter the world wherein I will be judge in so many ways.

Dumadating ako sa point na iniisip ko anong mangyayari if maging CPA na ko and anong mangyayari if hindi ako pumasa.

Mahirap idisappoint yung parents ko. I know kahit di nila ipakita, disappointed sila m grumaduate akong walang award. And it hurts. It hurts na kahit anong effort mo if you grew up an achiever lagi silang may expectations at yun yung mahirap sa part ko.

In this stage of my life, I swear I will do my best. I need to be good this time. Not just good but super duper magaling para maging CPA.

Dati sinasabi ko, "baka ayoko talaga maging CPA" or "baka napipilitan lang ako. Gusto ko ba talaga to". Pero ngayon, I've made my decision. GUSTO KO MAGING CPA!!!

And I will do my very very best. I will exert all my effort. I will sacrifice everything just to be a CPA. I know this will pay off in the end.

Guide me and bless me please Lord.

MAGIGING CPA AKOOOOOO!!!

Joanna Marie B Martinez

April 14, 2018

I am officially a graduate of San Sebastian College-Recoletos Canlubang with a degree in Accountancy.

I must say that 5 years of continuous studying is so damn hard. Specially with my course it is really hard. I had those sleepless nights and stressful days with my books. I experienced having cups of coffee that almost acted as my blood because it's the only liquid that I am taking all night. But that's not the hardest part. The hardest part is that even you have those sleepless and stressful days and nights you still fail. I reached the point in my life wherein I don't have any choice but to just cry. I cried in front of my mommy which is the rarest thing I did. I cried because I'm so afraid to be a disappointment in the family.

I am disappointed with myself, although I graduated there still something missing. During my sister's grad. I holding my tears. I literally wanted to cry. Seeing how proud they are to my sister because of her awards I really feel so disappointed with myself. I should have done better.

A month from now, I'll be entering review school. Idk what to feel. Mixed emotions. I have to be a CPA. I have no choice but to be a CPA. This time I will do better. I will be better. No more distractions.