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remember when stephanie meyers was so desperate to tie up the loose ends of her love triangle that the paired off the extra dude with the couple’s newborn baby

Do you ever cycle through the same 4 apps on your phone over and over again and feel like a tiger pacing its cage at the zoo

If you’re doing this, it is because you, like the tiger, need enrichment and variety in your life. May I suggest cramming just a whole bunch of raw hamburger into a pumpkin and rolling it around your enclosure?

Baby girl

i love little kids with very niche interests. Like for awhile I nannied for a family who had a little girl who loved old black and white movies. She adopted a transatlantic accent, constantly wore a long string of plastic pearls, and would often dramatically drape herself over pieces of furniture when told to do something and say “I just can’t do it babe”

i once dropped her stuffed animal and she yelled “there’s been a murder!”

why do golden retrievers look like lesbians