Qb D

I used to wonder if my ability to love and feel everything deeply was the reason I was met with betrayal and seen as a weak girl. My whole teenage years were spent learning ways to suppress showcasing my tears for everything beautiful and sad. I mastered it well enough to convince myself that I was just raised as a weak child who never learnt to deal effectively with overwhelming events.

But this facade always seems to crumble when I see the rain pour upon the stranded puppy, a baby cow that lost its mother, the cat loved by everybody yet nobody to call its own, the child that walks barefoot in the blistering sun, the bowl that traps the goldfish or when I watch the dogs chase the birds, the kids that play together like their childhood last for eternity, singing to my toys to give make them feel less lonely, the sky showing the most beautiful hues before it fades for the day, seeing the glow in the faces of people I love, the tunes that help me relieve my favourite moments. My heart beats when I meet people that I love, when I share moments with those near me and those that once were. I have lived and loved those that have crossed my path, those that once walked this path with me and those that will walk my path. I've come to find that everything I connect is a reflection of an unacknowledged aspect of my soul.

So what good are my avoidant strategies if they keep my heart alive in the most real moments? How much proof do I seek to be sure I'm live? And what good of a human am I if I let the adversities hardened what was always meant to love? Pretending that love doesn't exist, is denying the essence of my being. For it is in these moments that I feel the God that I couldn't find in the scriptures or on the altars and how awful to deny myself the pleasure to experience the divine.

When I was plunged into hopelessness and despair after my breakup, I finally decide to read into stoic philosophy as a means to sooth the discomfort and absence I felt. To my surprise, even the surface research of this school of thought, lifted me out of the darkness that I was drowning in. Hence, Ive decided to create this post to serve as a reminder to myself about the strength passed down by ancient wisdom, that I can easily adopt into my daily life.

“All you need are these: certainty of judgment in the present moment; action for the common good in the present moment; and an attitude of gratitude in the present moment for anything that comes your way.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

“Frame your thoughts like this—you are an old person, you won’t let yourself be enslaved by this any longer, no longer pulled like a puppet by every impulse, and you’ll stop complaining about your present fortune or dreading the future.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.” —EPICTETUS

“We have the power to hold no opinion about a thing and to not let it upset our state of mind—for things have no natural power to shape our judgments.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

It isn’t events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them.” —EPICTETUS

“Throw out your conceited opinions, for it is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.” —EPICTETUS

“We cry to God Almighty, how can we escape this agony? Fool, don’t you have hands? Or could it be God forgot to give you a pair? Sit and pray your nose doesn’t run! Or, rather just wipe your nose and stop seeking a scapegoat.” —EPICTETUS

“Don’t behave as if you are destined to live forever. What’s fated hangs over you. As long as you live and while you can, become good now.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

“Death lies heavy upon one who, known exceedingly well by all, dies unknown to himself.” —SENECA

“Everything lasts for a day, the one who remembers and the remembered.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

“To bear trials with a calm mind robs misfortune of its strength and burden.” —SENECA

“In short, you must remember this—that if you hold anything dear outside of your own reasoned choice, you will have destroyed your capacity for choice.” —EPICTETUS

“Don’t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life, not even with your own ears!” —MARCUS AURELIUS

“Dig deep within yourself, for there is a fountain of goodness ever ready to flow if you will keep digging.” —MARCUS AURELIUS

While I shrug in distaste for the year that caused me nightmares. You look back with nostalgia, every tune and photo is a sweet reminder of that year.

I fail to comprehend what about a phase where you caused me excruciating pain feels memorable. Maybe the days where you could discard me and replace me or probably you enjoy the look in my eyes when I'm falling apart. Maybe the discovery of your own capacity for cruelty fills you with pride. Reducing my being to nothing probably made you feel validated in ways nothing else could.

I am amazed at myself. She picked herself up every time she was kicked to the ground. She battled recurring thoughts and sorrows, by herself. Everything you broke, was my duty to fix.

Though still deeply hurt and traumatised, Im am grateful to discover that I can have compassion upon weak men and myself. That I never fell into the path of revenge and I always chose honesty and integrity, despite being offered countless opportunities to exhibit cruelty upon those who hurt me.