sorry, car!

in which way does the act a fool video count as canon, is it:

a) tej parker daydreaming a rap video

b) a strange break in reality where tej parker and ludacris are one and the same, and the film 2 fast 2 furious itself exists within the fast and the furious universe (“tv in the middle of my steering wheel”)

dom: obviously pan, this is basically canon, linda do you fucking have eyes

brian: very bromantic bi

letty: bi, mostly goes for ladies but dominic is dominic, so

mia: experimenting-in-college level bi because anyone who goes near mia is terrified of dom kicking their ass so she hasn’t had much of a chance to get with a n y o n e and half the time they end up infatuated with dominic anyway, smh i’m sorry girl

vince: closeted gay guy but like. even tho he genuinely does like rosa and loves being a father, he’s deeply intensely in love with dom and never really got over him. probably has a secret grindr with only the non-hecked up side of his body showing

leon and jesse: gay and basically married

lance: snakeskin and frosted tips in an otherwise lowkey-fashion film? lance tran is a queen serving looks

tanner: gay papa bear

tej: party bi, open/soft-poly relationship with suki

suki: bi, open/soft-poly relationship with tej

rome: pan because it isn’t a choice it’s a game and he is WINNING

carter: aroace, uses other people for power but has no interest in them outside of that

jimmy: [ambiguous mumbling but sure spends a lot of time with tej and suki]

twinkie: what do you fucking think his name is fucking twinkie??????

neela: men are garbage, moves back to australia, lives in newtown

han: lowkey pan, too hecked up to actually instigate relationships so lets others do it for him

trinh: wife and three dogs, probably has a holiday home down the coast

rico and tego: not into guys except each other, would be poly but nobody else can stand their constant bickering

gisele: spy bi, but also bi off the clock

ramsey: harold she’s a lesbian

owen shaw: gay. he’s gay. luke evans is gay let owen be gay

little nobody: considers himself a straight acting gay, probably has “no fems no fats” on his definitely anonymous grindr profile

honourable mentions:

monica: tried being spy bi on a deep cover mission, wasn’t into it

hobbs: had an experimental phase, turns out he just really likes wrestling

deckard: lived with a guy for like 8 years and nobody knows if they were partners or just housemates bc east end gangsters are so fucking vague and/or confrontational about everything

mr nobody: took a bunch of government-manufactured experimental drugs and had an orgy in the 70s, can’t remember what actually happened

cipher: politically aromantic, has a wicked huge collection of toys and machines tho

bilkins: alternate universe captain holt 

braga: actually did wear pink in el barrio

stasiak: will never ever ever ever ever admit that he finds brian attractive. EVER.

token straights:

the boswell family

dk