im not even cool

Hi everyone,

Meet Oliver Burger King Warriormale Snailfeet, a ferret, obviously named after me and a very special pet of @snailfeet.

Is he damn cool or what??

Isn’t he the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?

I gotta teach him how to fight!

Cheese burger = There is a version of a burger that has cheese. It’s not a statement that all burgers have cheese, but that 1 variation of a burger has cheese.

Masculinity = Masculinity

It isn’t toxic to be confident, strong, assertive or loyal. It isn’t toxic to be physically active or to earn a solid living by working hard. It isn’t toxic to protect the people around you or to work with your hands or to feel proud of your accomplishments. These are all elements of traditional masculinity and they aren’t inherently bad.

It does no one any good to sit here and mock masculinity, as though it were something the people should ashamed of embracing. Should anyone feel pressured to adhere solely to masculine elements in their life? Of course not. That’s where toxic masculinity comes in. But that’s different from masculinity itself.

The Consumer Culture tells us that Manliness is bought.

It is important to “appear” Manly.

Buy the right clothes, right car, right home, right education, right love partner,  even the right body (big muscles, mostly steroid induced).

Everything that the Consumer Culture “says” to make a Man “appear” Manly, with a fat wallet.

The Martial Culture, the culture of the fight gyms, proposes that to be Manly a Man must earn it.

Training and fighting produce Manliness.

Manliness is the ability and willingness to fight.

Manliness includes fight skills,a  trained and conditioned body and most importantly the Moral Virtues of Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Self Control and always showing Respect.

A Man doesn’t “buy” Manliness, he earns it through training and fighting.

Train and fight!

Always seek true Manliness!

Dissociation is a defense mechanism used by the mind to protect oneself from a perceived threat. Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic incident or enduring chronic abuse may result in the development of this mental process. Dissociation is most often developed during one’s childhood, as children are more susceptible to imaginative thinking and escapism during times of stress. Once this method of detachment has been learned it can be difficult to rid oneself of it, thus leading to interference in one’s daily life even after they have escaped the abuse. 

Dissociation can be difficult to handle when you’re in a public setting such as work or school, or when you’re around friends and family who are unable to recognize the signs. It’s common to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation dissociating and not knowing what to do. It’s common to dissociate without knowing you’re dissociating. It’s common to feel overwhelmed or controlled by your dissociation.

This post is going to focus on the impact of dissociation in each area of one’s life and how to deal with it. Recognizing when you are dissociating and how you dissociate is a great first step to becoming more self-aware and gaining more control over your trauma.

Signs at school:

Repetitive memory lapses, including forgetting assignments or forgetting taught material. Based on the severity, you may only remember the basics of a subject, or you may have forgotten the basics (such as simple division or multiplication in math)

Feeling like other students are robots, or are not real, or are duplicates. This feeling may be more intense when walking in hallways between classes, or during recess or lunch

Feeling as though your desk or reading materials are twenty feet away despite them being inches from you

Staring at the clock yet being unable to read it

Poor grades caused by memory lapses, or poor grades caused by apathy resulting from a sense of derealization

Static in your vision when reading or feeling like your peripheral vision is closing in on you or darkening 

Teachers or classmates repeating questions to you multiple times because you did not hear them, not being receptive to interaction

Writing letters backwards without knowing, presenting disarrayed and odd essays

Staring at your assignment unblinkingly for minutes, acting as if you are frozen or in a catatonic haze

What can you do?

Use your five senses to connect with reality. Without being distracting to other students, fiddle with your eraser or pencil, or flip repetitively through the pages in your book. Do anything you can to feel physically present. If your teacher would allow you to, using a stress ball to squeeze may help tremendously 

Keep your eyes moving. By remaining active, you’ll reduce the amount of “spacing out” you experience. Repetitively blink your eyes and look around the room. Avoid staring at one spot for a prolonged period of time.

Use humor. Look at your teacher and imagine them wearing something funny or saying something ridiculous. Think of a joke you know that always makes you smile

Look for opportunities to become more engaged with your surroundings. If you’re having trouble reading, volunteer to read out loud if possible, as this may help you process the information better. If the teacher asks if anyone has a question, ask one to engage in conversation and distract yourself. This is a good way of interacting with someone without getting in trouble 

If you have to, dismiss yourself to the bathroom and splash some cold water in your face. This may help you come to your senses

If you know of any specific triggers at school, whether it be a person or a certain room, try to avoid being around them, or in that room. If there is no way of avoiding your triggers, mentally prepare yourself before facing the triggers and have a plan set up ahead of time for if you do begin dissociating

Signs at work:

A sudden decrease in performance for seemingly no reason

Repetitively messing up orders or misconstruing information given to you by a customer or client

Feeling as though you are staring right through a customer or client

Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting tasks you’ve practiced for months, forgetting the name of the business you work for, or forgetting your name when introducing yourself to a customer or client

Coworkers commenting on your behavior, possibly saying you’re acting cold, quiet, rude, or distant

Reacting intensely to any mistakes you make; alternatively, acting completely indifferent towards any mistakes you make

Getting lost in thought when coworkers are talking to you

Feeling compelled to act in a certain way, monitoring your every action, feeling as though you are pretending to be you

What can you do?

If possible, walk as much as you can to remain active. This will be much easier to achieve for people who do not have desk jobs. If you have a desk job, interact with items on your desk. If you’re allowed to, bring an item to work that’s interactive that you can adorn your desk with

If you have a desk job, tape a piece of paper to your desk or cabinets to remind you of what to do when you feel this way, or tape a joke or something lighthearted such as a kitten image

If you’re given breaks, take advantage of them. Eat something, splash cold water on your face, listen to music, or if you’re allowed to, drive to a nearby gas station or store to get out of the building and become more attuned to your surroundings. Being in an open area with fresh air may help

Create games to keep yourself focused on something other than your dissociation or trauma. Examples would be seeing how many customers you can make smile, or seeing how many customers you can get to order a specific item, or seeing if you can convince a coworker to buy you a coffee

Talk to your boss if needed. The way you approach the conversation should be based on their personality and level of knowledge regarding trauma or mental disorders. You may need to compile resources for them to read or retrieve some type of note from your therapist for them to read. Effective communication is a vital key to maintaining any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or purely business. 

Signs at home:

Identity confusion, such as acting in a fashion you or your family and friends would consider offensive

Out of body experiences, feeling as though you are watching yourself from above

Feeling as though you are in a movie

Friends or family members saying you have a “glazed” look, or that your eyes appear empty

Experiencing an inability to feel pain, developing a numbness to it

Objects around you appearing diminished in size or looking artificial

 Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting the name of your street, forgetting who your close friends are, or forgetting specific periods of your life

Not recognizing yourself in the mirror

Tunnel vision or blurry vision

A lack of belonging when out with family or friends

Being unable to account for things you’ve done, such as not remembering completing a purchase, not remembering writing a letter you’ve found, or finding unexplained clothes in your closet

Time loss, or feeling as though you’ve forgotten everything during a period of time, or feeling like you’ve blacked out

What can you do?

Count different colored things in the room. Three red things, five greens things, and so forth. Doing this is a good way to distract yourself and stay aware of your surroundings

Take a cool bath or shower

Hold ice cubes in your hand or put your hand in a bowl of ice cubes. This will wake you up and is a good way to avoid self-harming if you want to feel something

Engage in a productive hobby you enjoy, such as drawing, writing, or reading

Start cleaning

Instead of texting, try calling a friend. Hearing someone’s voice may help ground you

If you have a pet, interact with them. Let them crawl on you or sit on you. Play with them. Talk to them

hi so im recovering from a really mean depression and there are some things i learned and that i would like to tell you. 

1. you need to reappropriate your space and time. depression is lying to you and generally shrinks your living space (aka: you spend your time in bed/behind your computer/in your room…). visit and do something (even if its just scrolling down social media) in each room you have access to. expand your perception and space, you’ll breathe more easily.

2. plan depression outfits. a depression outfit is a comfy one you still can go out in. to me, it’s old ripped jeans and a turtleneck, my old work uniforms, sweaters. dressing up is one of the most important parts of managing depression. first of all, you’ll feel less like pathetic with proper clothes on (nothing worse than staying in your pj all day). secondly, and it’s a crucial point: it allows you to get out to run some errands. imagine you have to go grocery shopping or to the post office. if you’re in your unwashed pajamas you’ve been wearing for three days or more (been there done that) what you have to do is to undress, shower (if you can), and put on real, clean clothes. which is three things. depression messes wih one’s ability to start things, so it’s very likely you’ll drop your errands and just stay at home feeling like shit. but if you’re already wearing clothes, you just have to put on a coat and get out of the house. which is, trust me, 10 times easier than doing the whole dressing up thing.

3. it’s okay if you stay the whole day in bed but force yourself to get up in the morning (anytime before noon) and drink a glass of water/juice. again, depression messes up with your ability to start doing things, but if you concentrate your will to just get up and drink something before going back to bed, i promise you’ll feel less shitty and might actually end up getting up for good since you’ve been through the trouble of getting up. You’ll feel better (and also you need water!)

4. do one (1) physical, material thing that will improve your life conditions per day. aka: washing a single glass, scrubbing the mirror, etc. you’ll feel proud of yourself, and the tidiest your environment, the less shitty your brain will be. plus, again: if you manage to wash a single dish, maybe you’ll find yourself cleaning the whole kitchen without noticing. and thats a good thing. no pressure: just do one single thing. and don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, of course, but try, it’s gonna be better that way. 

5. open the window (especially at night, i personally find it very soothing) and just… breathe fresh air, looking at the horizon or closing your eyes, and breathe in and out slowly. it’s great to take fresh air. bonus if you have anxiety/ptsd, honestly. opening the windows is one of the easiest ways i know to stop a panic attack.

6. brush your teeth everyday, even if it’s the only thing you manage to do. i know every depression guide recommends it, but it’s really important. not showering for a few days is okay, you’re not gonna get sick that way. but dental hygiene is capital. not to mention you’ll feel less rotting in the inside if you’re less rotting in the outside. you can use your phone to schedule your teeth brushing of the day! really helps. 

7. think about your hobbies and force yourself to do something related to an old hobby of yours. i know it’s no fun. i know you can’t feel anything, so why bother? but really, do bother. do it and eventually as you recover it will be fun again. you haven’t lost your passion, your goals, your motivation. it’s still there, but depression is like a blanket that covers it all. forcing yourself to still act on your hobbies (especially if those are not screen-related: books, gardening, etc.) will help digging through the depression layers to expose your will to live again. trust me on this one. i really thought i was just an apathetic mess, but actually depression was just mean. i believe in you! 

and finally: hold tight and it’s gonna be okay! recovery is possible, and it’s gonna arrive sooner than you expect. energy and motivation are good things and they’re still around here waiting for you! 

I don’t really think that God even has the time to care about if people are gay like if he’s got a whole world to run there are more important things anyway

And if God is love, he’s not just loving me if I am what he wants; he’s loving me as the person he made me to be, which is a queer person

You can’t say “I love you, and I made you gay but I’m sending you to hell you awful sinner” my dude that doesn’t make sense it’s not like hell has a low population is it

Hell, in Kenneth Davis’s Don’t Know Much About The Bible, there’s a passage that absolutely blows my mind and proves just how much we can misinterpret with simple translation mistakes: 

“In researching the world’s oldest city, for instance, I learned that Joshua’s Jericho is one of the oldest human settlements. It also lies on a major earthquake zone. Could that simple fact of geology have had anything to do with those famous walls tumbling down? Then I discovered that Moses and the tribes of Israel never crossed the Red Sea but escaped from Pharaoh and his chariots across the Sea of Reeds, an uncertain designation which might be one of several Egyptian lakes or a marshy section of the Nile Delta. This mistranslation crept into the Greek Septuagint version and was uncovered by modern scholars with access to old Hebrew manuscripts.”

The bible is one long-ass game of telephone, whispered around the world in dozens if not hundreds of languages, for thousands of years. I have a hard time knowing what my grandpa is talking about, when he starts going on about the technology or practices of his youth, and that was only about 80 years ago, in the same country and in the same language as me. So why every Joe on the streets thinks they can take one or two verses, completely out of context and probably mis-translated several times to boot, and use it to spout propaganda and hatred for an entire group of people will forever be beyond me. 

You guys know that verse in Leviticus that homophobes like to trot out? Well, I’m here to tell you:

They don’t read Hebrew and they don’t know shit.

And now here’s something you probably won’t hear from any of those Fine Christian Folks ™ anytime soon, either:

We do read Hebrew and we still don’t know shit.

Here’s the thing. The most “accurate” word-for-word translation of that verse would say “a man shall not lie with another man; it is forbidden.”

Here’s the issue.

The grammar surrounding “men” in that sentence isn’t correct, and the word I’ve translated as “forbidden” is “toevah,” a word so fucking old we literally don’t know what it meant anymore.

The strange sentence construction suggests that “lie with another man” uses a feminine construction you wouldn’t normally find in a sentence that’s entirely about men, and while “toevah” means “forbidden,” it’s not actually clear what is forbidden. Here’s an incomplete list of possibilities:

Pederasty (adult male/adolescent male sex) is full-stop forbidden, a man sleeping with a male prostitute is full-stop forbidden, a man sleeping with a man as part of any kind of sex magic or fertility ritual is forbidden.

And my rabbi’s personal interpretation, based on the sentence construction: a man shouldn’t sleep with another man in a woman’s bed. (So basically: don’t cheat on your wife with a dude, which is probably treated separately from “don’t commit adultery” because adultery would come with the risk of an illegitimate child.)

You’ll notice none of these involve “ew, you disgusting gays.”

Unless you accept a word-for-word literal translation with zero consideration for the social mores and other tribes surrounding Israel contemporary with the writing of Torah, nothing about this commandment has anything to do with our modern understanding of queer people having committed relationships. Once you start taking the rituals and practices of Israel’s contemporaries into account, it suddenly becomes clear why these prohibitions would have been put into place (sex magic was common in the cult of Ba’al, for example, while pederasty was practically a requirement in Greece).

If you’re just a person out there loving other people of the same gender as you? The Torah says nothing against you. But do you know what our literary tradition does say?

It puts you in the company of Naomi and Ruth.

Ruth is considered the first convert, and her vow to her mother-in-law Naomi (after Ruth’s husband’s death) forms the basis of our modern marriage vows. “Where you go, I shall go, and where you lodge, I shall lodge; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d; and where you die I shall die, and there shall I be buried.” Ruth remarries as prescribed by law at the time, but even when a child is born of that new union, nobody calls it “Ruth’s and Boaz’s child”–they all say a child has been born to Ruth and Naomi.

God said to Adam: you may eat of any other tree in the garden, but you must not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat of it you will die. And Adam fashioned an axe, and he cut down the Tree of Knowledge. And God asked “Adam, what have you done?” And Adam said “I refuse to be complicit in my own temptation.”

God said to Adam: you may eat of any other tree in the garden, but you must not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat of it you will die. So Adam picked the fruit of the tree and planted it in the ground. A few years later, another Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil grew from the place he had planted it, and Adam ate the fruit of that one.

God said to Adam: you may eat of any other tree in the garden, but you must not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat of it you will die. But the serpent told him this was lies, and that if he ate from the Tree of Knowledge he would not die, but would become as God. “How do you know?” asked Adam. “Have you eaten the fruit?” “Yes,” said the serpent. “I have tasted of it, yet I did not die.” So Adam ate the serpent.

God said to Adam: you may eat of any other tree in the garden, but you must not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat of it you will die. So Adam picked the leaves of the Tree and made a delicious Good And Evil Salad.

God said to Adam: you may eat of any other tree in the garden, but you must not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, for when you eat of it you will die. Adam desired to taste of the fruit, and he decided that if he was going to get in trouble for breaking a commandment he might as well go all out. So he waited until the tree was heavy with fruits, then binged on all of them in one sitting. And the Lord definitely cast him out of Eden - but on the plus side, thousands of years later his descendants had excellent moral compasses and always knew the right thing to do in any situation.

-Musculoskeletal damage. Binders are indiscriminate compression tools; they can’t flatten the chest without applying pressure every other anatomical structure underneath including the spine, ribs, lungs and heart. Many people who bind experience chronic back pain, shoulder pain, sharp stabbing chest pains, permeneantly decreased lung capacity, literal spine deformation, etc etc.

-A continuation of the above but the ribs are actually jointed bones. Their ability to flex is absolutely vital to their ability to withstand trauma and protect your vital organs. Imagine the damage that would be done to your elbow if your bent your arm to full flexion and then tightly bound it closed like that, for six, eight, twelve hours per day, every day, for weeks or months or years. And you don’t NEED a functioning arm to live!

-Tissue atrophy. Forcing chest tissue to lay in an unnatural way can and will change the way that tissue looks, even to risk of atrophy. Some people who bind and only moderately dislike the way their chest looks find that they HATE the way it looks after binding for a period of time. Tissue atrophy can also make top surgery more difficult in the future, and increase the risk of complications like nerve damage.

-Worsened dysphoria. Once someone starts binding and becomes accustomed to seeing themselves with a flat chest, it can be much more difficult to see yourself without one, and dysphoria that much more intolerable. You can imagine the psychological feedback loop of binding more in response.

Health impact of chest binding among transgender adults: a community-engaged, cross-sectional study Inside the Landmark, Long Overdue Study on Chest Binding  

Binding FAQ

Stretch your chest, shoulders, and back everyday (at least)

This is a passive stretch where you place a foam roller at the bottom of your spine (to support your hips and lower back), and lifts your shoulders off of the ground, with your arms on the ground to balance you.

This stretch is meant to be held for a few minutes, open up your chest, and aid your everyday posture.

You probably don’t own a foam roller, he advised to wrap a towel or blanket very tightly and tied as a substitute. I use a layer of bed foam rolled up with two belts to keep it rolled. Whatever you use, it ought to have a bit of give and it needs to lift your shoulders off the ground.

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This is an active stretch. Stand in front of a doorway with your feet together (if the door way was not there, your toes would be touching the wall, not crossing through it). When you lift your arms up and put them against the wall, your feet, hips, and arms should all be in line with each other (your arms should not be behind you with your feet and hips in the doorway).

Make a “W” shape with your arms against the wall so that your elbows are the closest part of your arm to the ground, and take one small step forward.

You should feel a pull in your lower shoulders, but it should be comfortable to hold. Do not over stretch, you shouldn’t be leaning your weight into your arms to balance, your weight should be balanced by your legs. Do not judge yourself and think you are doing yourself a favor by thinking that you ought to have a bigger step. Sure, you could overstretch today, but you need to be able to do this tomorrow too! Hold this for 10-15 seconds. (Yet again. Do. Not. Overstretch.)

Bring your feet back together, and do it the other foot. There will probably be one foot that is easier than the other, stretch that step more often than the less difficult step.

Bring your feet together and bring your elbows up so that your upper arms are parallel to the ground and your elbow forms a 90° angle with your forearms. Take your small step forward and hold for 10-15 seconds and switch feet.

Now reach your arms up as high as you can. It doesn’t have to be much higher than the last stretch, if that is as high as you can go, then that’s it. If you can’t reach higher than the last stretch, put your arms down at your sides and then lift your arms up from your sides and put them against the wall (sorry he didn’t include a picture of this one in the slides, message me if this is unclear.)

Your goal is to be able to reach your arms up like in the picture so that you form a Y shape. Step forward and hold for 10-15 seconds, then switch feet.

His advice was to do this stretch as often as you use the bathroom at home (shoot for 3-5 times a day).

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The next two stretchs don’t have pictures! If you can do these stretches with ease and want a more intense version, try using dumbbells and incorporating it into your workouts.

If you’ve ever done snow angels? Put your heels, butt, shoulders, and arms up against a wall (as much of your body as you possibly can should be touching the wall) and lift your arms up as high as you can go like you are making a snow angel.

Alternatively, lay down on the ground instead of up against a wall if you need to work your way up to lifting your arms above your head.

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Again, with your body up against the wall, but this time with your arms in front of you, bring your arms up like Frankenstein’s monster, so that they are as high as your shoulders. Hold this for a few seconds.

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I fought and conquered!

Train and fight!

Always seek Manliness!

The fight gym is a Refuge.

A Refuge of Manliness.

When a Man walks though the fight gym doors, he literally enters another World.

He leaves the Consumer Culture, our dominant culture, behind him.

That culture is completely Opposed to this place in Every Way.

The Fight Gym contains, supports and embodies the Martial Culture.

The Martial Culture defines Manliness as the ability and willingness to fight.

The fight school supports that belief - to train and to fight.

Fighting produces and nurtures Manliness.

All Men who train at a fight gym seek Manliness.

There is an unspoken Bond between all fighters, especially at a fight gym.

This Bond is called Eros, the love of Manliness.

You can feel that Bond as soon as you walk in the door - Rough Man Love.

These Men really care about each other.

That is the Power of Manly Eros.

Fighting makes Men Good.

It teaches Men how to protect themselves and the ones they love though fight skills, fighting makes men fit, and above all it makes them Moral Men, through Virtues such as Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Self Control and most importantly showing Respect for people, places and things.

The fight gym is a Refuge.

So for all you Men seeking meaning in your life……

The fight gym is your Home.

Come Home!