Counselling a Friend
You should never counsel your family or friends as you canât be objective in a close relationship. However, you can offer support and be there for them when they need to unload and are looking for a friend. So what are some tips that can help you with this? 1) Encourage them to talk; ask them whatâs on their mind - If you think your friendâs depressed or is bottling something up donât pretend you havenât noticed ⌠ask if somethingâs bothering them. And unless you get the sense that they donât want to talk, be persistent and keep asking in a gentle, caring way. This will send the clear message that you genuinely care. 2) Give your full attention and listen carefully â If your friend is brave enough to share whatâs really bothering them, then give them the respect of listening carefully â without interrupting or offering them advice. Pay close attention and focus, and try to understand their perspective on their problems, and how that makes them feel. The only time you should speak is to clarify a point, or to ask open questions that will help them unload more. Also, encourage them to talk through your use of body language â such as nodding while theyâre talking and sitting very still. Never fidget, look around or get distracted while theyâre speaking â as that sends the message that youâre losing interest fast. 3) Unless specifically requested, donât offer them advice - Once youâve got the gist of whatâs happening with your friend, resist the instinct to give them some advice. This is often very hard as we usually want to help ⌠but most people resent this â they just want to be heard. Instead, the best way forward is to keep on asking questions to help them find solutions to their problems for themselves. 4) Remember itâs all about them; itâs not about you â Most people want to somehow turn the conversation round to talking about them, and their own experiences. This is so annoying; itâs the worst thing you could do. You are meant to be focused on your friendâs experiences!  5) Be sensitive, respectful and non judgmental â Donât react or seem shocked when they tell you something awful (like saying âOMG â I canât believe you did that!â). And be tactful if you feel you must share something tough - as you honestly believe it would help to hear the truth. You donât have to destroy them in your efforts to get real.
6) Nothing changes if we donât do anything â Although itâs often helpful to unburden yourself if you just dump on others then nothing much will change. Thus, itâs important you encourage them to take some active steps â so ask them what theyâll do to try to start to turn their life around. Donât only act as a crutch or a short term dumping ground.
