TIRED .

quotes from funny or die’s very special episode youtube series. tw: alcohol and nsfw.

‘ and a family is just a group of people you share meals and traumatic experiences with. ’

‘ like when you find out about something dangerous in the suburbs, it’s your duty to snitch to the nearest older white man. then they take it up the chain of narcs until justice is served. ’

‘ fudge that, my guy. ’

‘ catch me at the mall, bitch! ’

‘ spoken like a true narc. ’

‘ original gangster grandma. ’

‘ is anyone even looking for the booze? ’

‘ attention. the hanukkah dough is missing. ’

‘ people don’t like hanging with people who suck. unless you’re related, in which case, you still don’t like it, you just kinda have to. ’

‘ with uncle sam’s scalpel. ’

‘ what’s with all the labels? just let this alien do phone sex in your kitchen. ’

‘ now hug this fluffy dog and be a man. ’

‘ whoopsie daisy city. ’

‘ none of those films end well. ’

‘ yo, fuck your whole clique. ’

‘ and his dad alarms are going buck wild. ’

‘ everyone’s having a great time hospital goofing. ’

‘ if you watch the disney channel to learn about jewish culture, you’re in for a bumpy ride. ’

‘ everybody snitching on everybody. ’

‘ she vows to bust him out, so he can bust a nut. ’

‘ turns out it’s as cushy as a cactus diaper. ’

‘ i mean some grade f minus, minus bullying. ’

‘ which, at this point, is less of a suggestion and, in fact, the only fucking option. ’

‘ captain save-a-bro needs more time. ’

‘ red alert. the presents are missing. ’

‘ santa is lonely and just wants to spend christmas with people. ’

‘ they’re going to put paint brushes in your booty. ’

‘ take this box and wait somewhere. ’

‘ scariest fucking hanukkah ever. ’

‘ unfortunately, they can’t eat his poison, because they have tickets to a show. ’

‘ nightmare sandwich. ’

‘ he’s eating noodles with ketchup at the end of goodfellas, a fate worse than prison. ’

‘ how mad? stool throwin’ mad! ’

‘ nff. non-family friends. ’

‘ and the ruder you are, the bigger the whoospie daisy. ’

the twelve is a novel by justin cronin. 

‘ tomorrow is another day. ’

‘ uh-oh. ’

‘ want a little help with that? ’

‘ well, it’s a nasty gash. ’

‘ no wandering off. ’

‘ the important thing is you’re safe here. ’

‘ i’m concerned about this fever. ’

‘ hi, sweetheart. shouldn’t you be in bed? ’

‘ it may be a little itchy, but you can’t scratch it. ’

‘ now, sleep. do you promise? ’

‘ just a little something to numb you up. ’

‘ well, i don’t think you have a fever. ’

‘ i’ll miss you, too. ’

‘ did anyone love you like that? ’

‘ the minute you get sleepy, i’ll bring you inside. ’

‘ that was always the hardest part, missing you. ’

‘ you said the f word! ’

‘ i told you, i’ve got this. ’

‘ this act of yours. this stupid game. ’

‘ you know, you never struck me as the maternal type. ’

‘ my stomach hurt. ’

‘ it’s a pretty scary story. should i stop? ’

‘ isn’t there something you’re forgetting? ’

‘ i remember thinking i had to be brave. ’

‘ you mean…like stitches? ’

‘ it was probably something i ate. ’

‘ i’m older than you, i know that much. old enough to tell you it’s time for sleep. ’

‘ what do you mean by ‘ final ’ ? ’