knives don't have your back

Even if Terezi was sure that some of Karkat's speech was deep-rooted in unrealistic expectations from movies and books, there was some truth to it. They'd both never truly gotten over each other, and nine times out of ten she could be found in Karkat's company. He was right on even more accounts--since when had she been afraid? She wasn't on the meteor anymore, and even if she was, Karkat had wanted to help back then. Sighing softly into Karkat's hand, Terezi berated herself once more, they really could have been happy a long time ago. But crying wasn't going to solve anything, especially when the problems had already been solved. 

And then he really heard what she said, what she was saying, and how teal was pooling in her eyes, and he couldn’t believe how poorly he’d explained himself a second ago. “No no no no wait fuck, I—I was trying so hard to figure out what I wanted to say that I totally forgot to even—shit, okay, look, when you and I were fighting and I didn’t have Eridan to talk to so… I talked to Meenah, about everything. And she—along with everything else that had happened—made me come to terms with the one thing I’d been in the most incredible denial ever about, which was, that I still had feelings for you… although to be fair, I kind of had to be in denial about it for like, self preservation’s sake. But anyway, Meenah and I aren’t… and we never really were either, we just liked each other and… I mean I never really wanted to label us as matesprits, remember? It was just the easiest thing to call us… I care about her and all but," he shrugged, sighing and looking down at his fists, at where they’d been holding hands a moment ago. “No one compares to you, Terezi, and I don’t think anyone ever will."

"But that's the thing isn't it... I... I mean we fight and argue and I hurt you and you hurt me so... Who says we won't do it again? Only it would be worse and maybe it would be the last straw and we really wouldn't be friends again afterwards. I don't want that Karkat, I don't... I don't like not being your friend, I don't like not being your best friend. Because no-one compares to you either. You're determined and stubborn and stupidly soft, you care too much about everyone and you over-think everything. You're cute, yet you're strong too and you really are the leader that you strived to be," Terezi smiled, unsure of the last time she'd said such things to Karkat. "But when I hurt you it was like... you were suddenly none of those things, at least not as far as I could see, because I was on the outside and I don't like being on the outside of Karkat. I don't want to mess things up and not be with you anymore. I love you Karkat, but I--what if we're not supposed to be together?"

"That’s not really reassuring," he complained, brows furrowing as he kept his eyes on their locked hands. “But, okay, I guess I’ll just… talk, and if you want to tell me to stop just say so, okay? So…" he took a deep breath, nervously trying to find somewhere to begin. “I… jesus okay, we both know I acted like an asshole before, and that I wish I hadn’t… and I guess I was angry partly because I felt like I was always gonna be second best with you, and I didn’t want to be second best." He faltered slightly, using it as a chance to test her, to see if she would ask him to stop—but she didn’t speak up, and so he swallowed again, trying to proceed. 

"No, stop," she suddenly shook her head, turning to face Karkat with confusion. Terezi had thought she understood what was happening, but suddenly she had no idea--briefly staring at him with a mixture of concern and disgust. "What are you?" She trailed off, frowning as she finally caught up with the general gist of where things were going. In all honesty, she'd kind of hoped that Karkat could have ignored that--could have moved on so she wouldn't have to be humiliated a second time round. 

Her hand on his was warm, and Karkat’s smile fell, replaced with a look of uncertainly. He wasn’t sure how far to take things, and he wished there was some way to test the waters without jumping in all the way. Terezi was only managing sentences at a time, and she still hadn’t looked at him. He knew that was his fault for being so callus with her feelings before, hands clenching into angry fists as his stomach turned with guilt. Maybe it was better to just leave things here—maybe he could tell her the rest later or something.

But then Karkat spoke again, and Terezi wasn't exactly sure if she wanted to acknowledge that he had. Things would have been a lot easier if they could just sit in mutual silence all evening, platonically holding hands. She didn't know what else he might want to say, and she was still paranoid that they'd somehow turn it into an argument. Suspiciously, she pulled her face away from her knees--throwing Karkat a brief sideways glance. He didn't look angry, so maybe it would be okay?

"Good," he muttered, curling his fingers into fists so he didn’t reach for her hand. “So… about the drawings," he sighed, glancing to her nervously in case she curled back up again. “I did that after what happened with Gamzee… It was another stupid, heat-of-the-moment decision, and obviously I regretted it as soon as I’d done it. I just felt like… trapped in my own hive by the problems I was trying to run away from, and it just seemed like the best thing to do was to take it down. And then I tried to, and I could barely get rid of any of it. I just… happened to start in a shitty place. And I know how bad it looks that I tried to get rid of it in the first place but, there’s a reason I couldn’t go through with it. And I don’t mean like, I was too tired or lazy to finish cleaning it off, I basically… physically couldn’t do it. I thought, at the time, I wanted to end our friendship but it was like, the second I did I realized it was a fucking idiotic move, and then I guess it was half anger, half stubbornness, and half… fear of getting hurt again that kept me from doing anything about it when I realized I fucked up. Two thirds, I mean. I only figured I’d say two things but I kind of—nevermind. The point is, I can’t just take some warm water and a… sponge with the scratchy bit, was that what you said? And just wash everything we have away… My walls are probably fucking stained from leaving the chalk up so long, anyway."

Even through her emotions, she still noted that his usage was 'should', not 'could'. It was strange to hear Karkat being so definite, but it wasn't unwanted. It was even the final push for her to nod in agreement, trying not to keep her voice even enough to speak. "Yeah," she tested, still quiet but not cracking as much as she thought it might. "I'd have to go buy more chalk though," she trailed off, wondering if she'd even be able to fix it without getting upset again. She frowned into her knees, lightly rubbing her nose into them for some kind of comfort.

"Okay," he shrugged, eyes drifting to the ground he could see slitted between the wood of the park bench. “You don’t look like you want to be here. If you want to go, you can, you know that, right?" His fingers clenched nervously onto the wooden spokes—“But… you came here for a reason, right? Obviously you thought something could come from this?"

Even if she was still licking her wounds from their previous conversation, it wasn't as if Terezi wanted things to be as they were. And it was a little easier to listen to him when he admitted that some of it was true, and it was even harder to breathe when he said she was his best friend, because this was Karkat--and if she was to pride herself on knowing Karkat best, then surely she had to admit defeat from her own defensive strategies. Wasn't it insulting to keep brushing off Karkat's apologizes with her own warped logic? Because yes, she was hurt and wounded--but Karkat had been too, and if Karkat hadn't listened to her, then they'd still be stuck not talking to each other. Hurting each other was just ending up with them going round in circles, hating the other one minute and then being the one apologizing the next. She was tired of it, and it sounded like Karkat was too. 

By the time she did turn up, he had started to lose hope that she would, resting his head against the back of the bench with his eyes closed for a brief rest, but when the bench creaked beside him he jolted up in surprise and fear that he’d fallen asleep for longer than he’d meant to and missed her. But the person who’d slid onto the bench beside him was Terezi, even if she didn’t look how she used to. It was strange to think she could have changed so much—when was the last time he’d properly seen her anyway, and without a hood obscuring half her face? Where had all her red clothes gone? It was a bit like he was looking at a different girl, and he supposed in some ways, she was different. It’d been so long since they were on friendly terms…

She instinctively slunk further into her hoodie as he asked if she knew that he didn't mean it, unsure if it was a trick question. She thought about it then, truly examined everything he said. There was nothing that didn't make sense, nothing that was random or conceivably labelled as heat of the moment. That itself left her feeling even more hollow, as if his words had no substance, because he had meant it. He'd had the chance to say whatever he wanted without being filtered, and it was all the truth, and Terezi knew that. He didn't have to lie to her now, and the fact he was insulted her.

“So hold on, you… you chose Dave over me because you thought he was the smarter option? I told you I loved you, and, turns out, you loved me too, but you picked Dave because it seemed like a better idea to you? What—what is wrong with you? When you love someone you’re supposed to want to be with them, not choose the safer fucking bet… I mean I was miserable over you, and you loved me too? Pretty much all of this bullshit could have been avoided, but you wanted to choose the easy road? I can’t—” he paused, letting out a dry chuckle and scraping his teeth over his bottom lip. “I can’t believe you.”

"You were the one who put me second best to everything first. Hell, sometimes I think second best is an overestimate of how much I was worth," Terezi laughed once more, throat tightening as the prickling behind her eyes intensified. "Dave was the one who finally acknowledged me and didn't act like I was a fucking hindrance, but I still managed to fuck that over by ending up with Gamzee: Yet he still gave me another chance and I couldn't do it to him again. He didn't deserve it after how much I'd messed him around--just as you messed me around." 

There was only so long Terezi could shout for before her voice gave out, and she was resigned to speaking quieter--voice cracking with her strength. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're supposed to be with them. I didn't say I was a good person Karkat; I got jealous and I tried to pretend I wasn't. I tried to do the right things and they ended up being wrong. I messed up, but admitting it would have made everything worse, so I'm a coward who didn't want to hurt anyone and ended up hurting everyone anyway.."

She trailed off once more, unsure if she was done talking and almost too scared to hear Karkat's reply if she was. Her attention wavered to anywhere but Karkat, sweeping across his rooms until her attention was naturally caught by the most colourful thing in his hive. The memory of their drawing session was like a twisting knife, adding deeper slices to the already gaping wound. She went to move her head away from it, but snagged on the blur of colours. Terezi first assumed her vision had faltered, but it only took a look at the position of the smudge to realize what she was looking at. It felt like her attention was caught on it for an eternity, only pulled of the numbness it caused by something hot and wet falling on her. 

And then, he settled on an emotion.

“I don’t believe this,” he started, his voice already dripping with the anger that had set back in. “Now you love me? After… after all this time, now that I’m finally in a relationship with someone else, now that I’m finally getting over what we used to have, now that I depend on Meenah more than I depend on you, now you love me? I don’t get it—is it like a game? Like, you don’t want me when I want you, you don’t want me when I’m available, you only want me when I can finally say I don’t have feelings for you anymore, only once I’m totally free of my… stupid, ridiculously drawn-out infatuation for you?”

Terezi gave herself a moment to calm down, trying to keep in mind that the whole reason she was at Karkat's was to try and repair things--not make them a hundred times worse. She exhaled loudly and tried to drop the anger with it, instead trying to remain more calm. "This isn't another manipulation thing, but I never said I didn't love you. I just said--I thought--that Dave was the better choice. That things would work out with him and things with you were just... some fleeting grasp at the past, because you were the first person I'd seriously tried to start a quadrant with."

"So nothing changed my mind. Even when I'm with someone else I still end up being soft on you; I always have done, even when I haven't wanted to. I just--" Struggling with words again, Terezi tried using her hands to try and emphasize something before dropping them back down with a sigh. "I don't know why it's always you, but it is. Always the wrong time, wrong reason, wrong quadrant." She shook her head then, unsure how to continue. 

The reality of what she was saying was really starting to hit him—Gamzee genuinely didn’t care about him anymore, and Terezi… Terezi did. Even if she’d gone about it in the entirely wrong way, she had done it with his best interest at heart. And that went for Eridan as well… and maybe it had been stupid for him to think that two of his closest friends would throw away their relationship just to kill Gamzee. It didn’t change that what they’d done was wrong, but maybe—

His train of thought derailed as he heard Terezi’s next words, eyes darting to meet hers in surprise. Had she just said she loved him? And then she caught off, and her face turned teal, and Karkat felt his mouth go dry as everything sunk in. Her next words were struggled, and she was clearly fumbling with the realization that she had just said she loved him; her determination to fix things that she had come here with was gone, and now she just wanted to get out of the conversation. It was all rather obvious what she had meant, then. She loved him.

Karkat didn’t know how he felt, but he knew that he was probably supposed to reply to Terezi, at least in some way. Even if she hadn’t asked if he loved her back. She’d only asked to leave, but he couldn’t just let her walk away after… after what she’d just said. Everything was suddenly different from how they’d been this morning when he’d woken, or even from a few seconds ago, before she’d said what she’d said. 

All that filled her head was a thousand reasons of yes and no. When she'd first found out his blood colour, when they'd first kissed, when he'd comforted her after Vriska, when he'd called her beautiful, when he'd found out about her vision, when he'd told her he loved her still, when she'd fallen asleep against his chest and realized she still loved him. But then there were the other times; when he'd brushed off her sincerity, when he'd brushed off their relationship, when she'd punched him in the face, when they'd argued, when she'd told him she loved Dave more, when he'd lied to her, when she'd punched him a second time, when she'd lied to him... and when she'd thought they'd never speak again. 

Memories all tied together: a lifetime of back and forth with the troll who meant most to her. 

She focused her attention back on him then, taking in all the details before giving her answer. It was painful to look at him, for so many reasons. Terezi wanted to be able to clearly see his facial expressions, know just what he was thinking and feeling as clearly as she had--and was about to again--expressed herself. It was strange knowing that if things went wrong, she couldn't go to him for comfort. It was selfish, but Terezi knew she still wanted to curl up into him, take up all the space in his hive again and consume all his attention. 

“You still used me as a pawn, even if you don’t see me as one. Even if you consider me your best friend. When you needed me to be a pawn, that’s what I was, and our friendship didn’t matter then. I didn’t need you to protect me, and I definitely didn’t fucking need you to kill Gamzee—do you really think there would have been a happy ending down that road? My friend is dead but at least I don’t have to worry about getting a few black eyes anymore! That evens out!”

He paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts while he let a short, angry breath hiss through his teeth. “I can take care of myself fine, Terezi, I can handle getting a little beat up—just like you can, right? I’m sure you weren’t going to tell me about where you got your bruised face from if I hadn’t found out, right? But that doesn’t matter right? Because everything I do is wrong anyway, I mean you practically said I was a shitty leader when I found you guys which, I already know, but you’re supposed to be the person who tells me I’m not. How am I supposed to believe anything you say anymore? I mean, what you’re saying now is… nice, I guess, but maybe I agree and that’s all part of another one of your manipulation schemes so you can try to kill Gamzee again, I don’t know! The point is—”

"You don't get it Karkat." She sighed, nails digging into her palms. There was no way Karkat was going to get it, because Terezi had done her best to prevent that from happening. She was still trying to dodge the whole truth, leaving no salvation for the two of them. "I didn't go after Gamzee for revenge." She paused to worry her bottom lip, 

"Before I speak next: I don't think you're a shitty leader." Terezi made sure to look as straight as him as she could, only able to hope that her eyes leveled out with his. "I never have, and I shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't mean it."

"But I didn't go after Gamzee for revenge," she repeated, full of defeat. "I wanted to put another end to the cycle. I thought killing him would be the only way to stop another murder, even if I became a murder once again. I didn't want you or anyone else to keep shouldering this burden of blame, so I finally stepped up to my job. I know you won't see it this way, but killing Gamzee would have been the same as slaughtering all the trolls I would have done on Alternia. I would have grown up to be a murderer anyway Karkat." Terezi flicked her head back, pursing her lips and blinking away a growing pain behind them. "But I couldn't do it. I didn't want him dead. I only told myself I did. I couldn't live with killing him, and I couldn't live with manipulating you." She didn't think it was necessary to tell him how much the whole ordeal had eaten her up, hoping that her insistence on trying to shows his worth to her was enough for that to be proven.

"Karkat I know you hate to be pitied or looked down upon, and that isn't what this is. But it hurts just how much you can't look out for yourself," she stated, already feeling the exhaustion coming. "You pour yourself into everyone until you wear yourself down. You have no limit. That clown is going to kill you faster than cancer could!" Terezi's voice rose with the last line, gaining in frustration. She hadn't turned up to start an argument, but Karkat's dismissal of her only pushed something. 

 "He doesn't give a shit about you, and the fact you and I are still alive is because we're still amusing to him. I'm always sat watching your obligations to him when he would never even appreciate a single second of the time you waste on him. You treat everyone as if they're your sole responsibility. You did in the game, and you still do it now. It's so frustrating, because you think the world is this huge burden that's somehow yours alone. I can't sit back and let him ruin you; I can't let you ruin yourself! I love you too much Karkat; I always to--" 

Terezi suddenly cut herself off, brain finally catching up with how fast her mouth was moving. Her tongue's betrayal startled her, face glowing hot with embarrassment. She tried to speak again, but was too dumbfounded by her own stupidity to know what to say. There was no indication of if she could carry on, passing it off as nothing. Friends loved each other: that was normal. But friends didn't stop with guilt and try to backtrack.

Sighing, he rested his head against his bedroom wall, feeling the cool of the plaster against his cheek, and he closed his eyes. He wasn’t feeling nervous now—that had passed while he was looking over Trollian, and he didn’t feel angry either. He was still angry at her of course, but right now he felt a bit blank. Tired. Part of him hoped that what Terezi came to say really would change something, but another part hoped it wouldn’t. He was entirely torn on the matter, and if he thought too hard on it, he started reeling from the betrayal he’d learned of, the hurt that set in his stomach when he thought too long about being manipulated by someone he’d considered his best friend, someone who must not have felt the same towards him. If he kept his eyes closed long enough, maybe he would miss her. They wouldn’t have to do this stupid talk, and they could go back to pretending they were strangers to each other. That was so much easier than hoping she would say something that he could forgive.

He heard the knock at his door, and for a moment, he didn’t move. He wanted to stay where he was, eyes shut and not dealing with the troll he had been closest with until about a month ago. But he’d stupidly told her to come—how foolish he’d been to ignore what he knew and give in to the sliver of hope that would surely end in an even worsened relationship with someone he was already pretending didn’t exist. But he couldn’t ask her here and then just leave her there, he supposed, so he pushed himself off the bed and slowly moved through his hive, keeping his eyes on the floor as he walked through the living room; he didn’t want to see his stupid wall right now. Taking a breath to brace himself, Karkat’s fingers slowly curled around the doorknob, and he thought again about walking away, but he was already here, and she’d surely heard his footsteps along the wooden floors, anyway. 

There'll be plenty of time for self-pity later, she scolded herself, facing Karkat properly with her head held a little higher. What's important is that she tells him what he deserves to know, and that's it. To expect anything else is even more selfish than her actions have already been. For a troll who is so eloquent with speech, the words don't quite reach her lips at first. No matter how many times Terezi has rehearsed for the moment, it's still difficult to build momentum. 

"I--." She starts and stops, already fumbling under what feels like a burning hot gaze. "I thought I knew best. I really did. I always think I know best because I think I'm smarter and wiser. I think I know what's best for everyone else and--I don't. I'm not... I thought I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to protect you and everyone else. I lied because I thought I had to, because it's the only way I know how to do things and--I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't got so caught up in it that I thought that I could disregard you.  And if we're truly... done.... then I don't want you to think that I did everything because I didn't care about you--because I saw you as another pawn or something." 

She stopped again then, drawing in breath to stop herself shaking. Of course she knew that admitting these things about herself were impossible to avoid, but that didn't mean it was any easier. Terezi didn't want to willingly stand there and list her flaws, but Karkat knowing his worth to her was more important than her pride. She hadn't double crossed him as some ploy to get revenge on Gamzee: even the act of going after Gamzee had been a warped idea to protect Karkat. All she'd truly wanted to do was look out for him, and in the end she'd only made things worse. She didn't look at Karkat and feel the sense of duty that she'd thought she would have done by now--she looked at him and felt regret, as if she was five sweeps old and being lectured by Vriska about how she fucked up their first game of FLARP. Apart from it wasn't a game she lost: it was the person most important to her. 

When it came down to it, there was really nothing she could say.

"Sorry." 

The words came out weak and defeated, but there was nothing left to be confident about. There was nothing else she could even say to Eridan and any desire to justify her actions had been lost. She felt tiny, as if she was the dumbest troll alive and no one else would ever mess up as much as she had. Her first instinct was to crawl up and actually become as small as she felt, but that was an impossible feat when she was blinded and in a hive that didn't belong to her. Awkwardly, she brought the cloth back up to her face and pressed it over her nose, ignoring the instant prickle to her eyes in favour of having some feeling of security. She couldn't drag her dragon cape over her head, but she could still retreat into some kind of material instead. 

Sitting in silence was just making things worse, but there was nothing that Terezi had to say. To be at a loss was something she wasn't experienced in; she needed some kind of guidance, even if it wasn't Eridan's responsibility to give her it.