with all due respect, I am gonna ignore everything you just said

“no, but i do get asked that a lot more than a human being should. considering that you used the word pie- hole, i can only assume you’re busy with things in the same way my dad is. d’you invent things too?”

“What? No.  I’m a cop.  A detective. NYPD.”  Jake is tempted to shove his badge in this kid’s face,    because she’s being a real brat, but he manages to resist. He’s a professional, damn it. “And pie-hole is a completely valid term, I’ll have you know.”

“my friend thought you were cute so she tried to take a picture of you for snapchat and her flash went off but when you looked our way she shoved her phone into my hands and nOW YOU THINK IT’S ME AND OH GOD PLS DON’T BE MAD” au

      ❝ come ON. disorderly conduct? he obviously        didn’t mean anything by it, okay? we have three        kids. and look at him. he won’t last in there. he        can barely sit still now. it’ll only get worse.        trust me.  ❞

      Jake sighed,  averting his gaze.  This was the part of his       job that he hated the most —  having to turn against the       people he felt a desire to protect for the  sake of the law.       He took  a moment  to feel an  intensely   CONFLICTED        ACTION HERO vibe (which kind of made up for it, really)       before turning his attention back to her again.   “Look, if       any of  those guys  in there  were a  serious  risk to your       husband,    they wouldn’t be in the group cell.    And my        pal Terry has his desk right up near the window,    see?       He’s big,   buff,   intelligent,   and keeping a good eye on        your guy. And — seriously, did I mention BUFF? Nobody       is acting up on his watch, lady, just look at his arms.” 

      ❝ don’t underestimate internet creeps, man.          they are the lowest of the low. the CREEPIEST          of the…. creepy. but anyways, what are we          gonna do if the pet store doesn’t have teacup          pigs? ❞

        “The only  thing we can do,   Dunphy.    We brave          the internet creeps. I’m SERIOUSLY not worried.          I hung out with mobsters for,  like,  a year once. I          can handle underground teacup pig dealers.” 

“They are endangered! To each other! Do you know how crazy little kids are? Do you know how mad they get when they lose their food?! I mean, sure, now that I think about it, you probably thought that the Zodiac killer was back, and I apologize, Peralta.”

“Gahh...   It’s fine.   Shit happens.”    There was something about  Leslie that just made it  impossible  to stay mad at her,    not that Jake was the type to hold a grudge in the first place  . “Trust me,” he adds, “I’ve gotten way stupider calls than this.     A guy called the cops because his TV stopped working in the middle of Game of Thrones, once.          Which was extra annoying because I was  trying to watch Game of Thrones. 

     ❛ i am SERIOUS. i’m a robot ready          to take over the world ! ❜

         “...I know you’re messing with me, but you look          SCARY SERIOUS right now. Cut it out.”

      ❝ we could always check craigslist first, just in case.          it would save us a trip. we just gotta be careful,          there’s a lot of WEIRDOS on there. we’re just          a couple ‘a dudes lookin’ to buy a cute teacup          pig, the next thing ya know, we’re hog tied in          the back of some CREEP’S van. on second          thought, i’ll just go call the pet store… ❞

         “Hey,  pal,  you’re forgetting something.   I’m a           COP and a BONAFIDE BADASS. I can handle           internet creeps.”    A pause.    “Pet store is still            a better idea, though.” 

      ❛ MAYBE i am one..  ❜

              “Don’t JOKE about that, Ludgate.                 The impending robot takeover is                SERIOUS BUSINESS.” 

      ❝ oh my god, i just got a FANTASTIC idea.          you’ll find the answers to that question          and then we’ll go out and BUY a teacup          pig, teach it how to play an instrument,          and then make our own video. ❞

       “Dunphy, buddy, I love the way you think. GENUIS.”         Cue some frantic typing into Google, Jake grinning         from ear to ear.    “You think they have teacup pigs          at pet stores? They HAVE to, right?”

        ❝ the internet is a MARVELOUS place filled            with all sort of musical animals. ❞

       “How’d they teach it to do that, though? Y’know—          I bet YAHOO ANSWERS knows.” He reaches for          the keyboard. “Lemme see this.”