mea culpa

the words he couldn’t say. he felt bad. he said he didn’t. and for a long time, he told himself he didn’t, but he did. and he couldn’t escape the feeling. it stayed with him, weighing on his body. he could feel it crushing his sinking chest. and he knew that it would never go away. he was guilty. guilty, guilty of every crime under the sun.

and worse, even- he would do it all over again if given the chance. and he hated that. he hated himself for it. he hated himself already- but this was just another reason to.

he felt broken. this was the feeling, the actions of a man who has broken beyond repair. who else would do this? he couldn’t think of a single, sane human being who would’ve done that. he was sick in the head, he told himself. he didn’t just tell himself that, no- he knew. something was wrong with him, and he knew it- he could identify the sick thoughts- but he didn’t know why or how.

he could feel the pent up anger and resentment and fear and sadness gnaw at his gut. he felt ill the more he thought about it. his heart was drowning in a sea of bile and regret that filled his body up to the core.

                            “ listen, faggymatsu,” the words were filled with bile and ill intent,                                       “maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you just shut up, huh?“

                                      he decked todomatsu, at a loss for words.                                              what was there to say? he could say something in his defense-                                       they both knew what he was talking about- but it wasn’t                                              exactly something he wanted to discuss.

                                                   he said the first thing that came into his mind.                                   “ fuck you, you piece of shit brother! ”

                            no more words, no more gods, just me and my yeehaws.                                             ichimatsu didn’t say a word, didn't even look at him,                             there was no warning when he went it on the attack.                                             he tackled todomatsu, pinning him to the ground.