🦭⸝⸝ pwppy

im (chronoage) i shouldnt still be having the dame thoughts from when i was a kid, wanting to die was meant to be a phase everyone said it would pass, i was meant to outgrow my sadness but i grew further into it. every issue got worse, i got worse, nothing i do fixxes it anymore. no medicine has worked, no therapist has been able to even tell me why, no disgnosis maps it, no amount of documentation of symptoms and whatnot does anything to make it better. why cant i just "feel better" like everyone tells me to. im so so so fucking tired. every issue gets worse every year, no one cares to ask me how i feel till im already like this. im so exhausted, my poor fiance has to deal with this every day. maybe ending it would be better at this rate. im so tired of being tired every single morning no matter how much i sleep because its an inside tired i was born with and will always have. its the kind of tired that doesnt go away and you have to learn to live with but you never do. disorder overlaps and traumatic memories are all anyone might understand with a "oh im sorry your going through that, hope you feel better" but no one gets the empty feeling in your chest and how walls start to spin after not leaving your room on your own for months, no one gets how one day feels like a thousand years and a year feels like 3 months, im so tired of trying to make it not all blend together and make it better. no one gets having such a complicated situation and story that having to explain it would take longer than the hour and 20 minutes therapists can handle me for. i will just have to live with it. yes theres good days, my lover holds me and it all feels a bit smaller but most days i feel small and i know it will always feel like this. i wont get better, i cant anymore, ive done the most i can and im so tired now. im tired inside and out. let me go now. please someone let me go, i cant live another who knows how long like this. i could say more but its useless, no one will ever know the kind of empty i feel its a waste of time and breath same as me.

thank you mootie, ill probably feel better eventually 🦭🫂

why hope for all these things when i myself dont know who i am; big, soft, mean, quiet, loud, big? what even am i, how do i wish to be different when i dont even see my body in the mirror or my soul in my actions. i could be wishing for my own traits i just cant see, but then again i doubt it as i feel i would have valued them if i could see a bit clearer.