puttanescc.

Is my photo cute? [oh, he’s serious]

I’m very, very bored, and ready to shower you with pop culture references you won’t understand. Why would I go anywhere else?

[In Turkish] I cannot believe I am dealing with this. Where does he live that such disrespectful children are raised? I never want to visit. Great, I sound like Grandpa.

That seems awful childlike. Also, I can still annoy you through the doorrr.

Not that I would. But your plan is flawed.

Oh my god, you have my file, too? Why? Like who even is running this–

“Shut up, I do what I want. Also? It’s 2017.” And you have to move to play the Wii? Which is dumb? “Video games are supposed to be for lounging around not doing fucking squats or some shit.”

He’ll still unpack it though because he hasn’t played Wii Sports in a while and he wants to see if he’s still good at imaginary golf.

At least you get a cute baby out of it. Assuming the baby looks like you. I’d only be willing to carry a baby if it, like, is just the spitting image of me. Like, how cool is that! A tiny clone of yourself! [In his head, Vin Jr is a cool baby who wears shades and knows how to give people the middle finger at age 0 days]

Buttt, yeah. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever trust like that. Like, I wouldn’t even unlock my phone for most people. [He looks her over] For you, out of respect, maybe. But I wouldn’t let you look at my browsing history. There are levels to this shit.

[Snorts] He’s a dead-ringer for his father. And I have the- what is it? Dominant traits. I don’t know what happened. [Hums] I’m sure you could find a donor who was so similar looking to you that it would essentially be like carrying a clone. But, I am not sure. [That is in no way how babies operate bucko]

al-maghribiyah:

puttanescc:

Put Sauced on your brow bone and Chaser in your crease. [choose? there is no choose]

[gasps in French] [that would look stellar?????? Vincenzo is doing the Lord’s work right here]

Ooooo! You’re absolutely right! Thank you!

If you don’t use Ounce in your inner corner, I’m going to judge you, though. [he’s going to look up from his phone like…] […] What are you even doing it for. [question mark implied]

I feel as though that would be too… bold. I’m trying for something more subtle.

[also he doesn’t want to draw too much attention to the fact that he’s fuckin’ blind in one eye] [it tends to freak people out]

It's just a little shimmer, it's not going to kill you. [snerk] But, whatever.

[......]

You could try deepening the crease though. I mean, "subtly". Like, just toss something a little bit darker in there.

“Shut up, I do what I want. Also? It’s 2017.” And you have to move to play the Wii? Which is dumb? “Video games are supposed to be for lounging around not doing fucking squats or some shit.”

He’ll still unpack it though because he hasn’t played Wii Sports in a while and he wants to see if he’s still good at imaginary golf.

"Please," he scoffs. Legit, like he's in Mean Girls. "Don't imply that I have the emotional intelligence to be my own person and make my own decisions. It's insulting to literally anybody who's known me, ever."

Look at him. He's practicing his... god what's it called... he doesn't know what it's called but when you hit the ball super soft... yyyeeeaaahhhh Vin scores and the crowd goes wild (clap-clap).

Put Sauced on your brow bone and Chaser in your crease. [choose? there is no choose]

[gasps in French] [that would look stellar?????? Vincenzo is doing the Lord’s work right here]

“If you’re trying to help me move in you’re doing a really shitty job fam.” 

Vin will sit up. And fix his collar real quick cause he’s not about to let Elijah roast him FOR NO REASON--

“If you’re trying to help me move in you’re doing a really shitty job fam.” 

[He’s trying to keep up with what she is saying, honest to God, but he has a 12th grade vocabulary in English and he’s just… squints… and nods, never to think about it again,]

I think it’s either… a good thing that I’ve never wanted to have a baby with anybody before, or like a sign that everyone I date sucks? But also pregnancy is scary shit. My mom has the video of her giving birth to me and – [SHUDDERS,]

[She smiles a bit more serenely now, seemingly at peace.]

[WHAT’D WE TELL YA LIESE YOU’LL WANT TO KILL HIM EVENTUALLY]

Well, that certainly makes up for his… […] It just occurred to me that I am insulting your boo-bae, right to your face. Mm. Congratulations.

My last “boyfriend” almost convinced me to like, dye my hair green, so, I guess you’re winning in that department.

[She’s trying to hold steady.]

We all have our flaws, and our points of contention. Don’t chase them too heavily, you’ll alienate yourself. [Vague points are her specialty.] Just like I said, don’t let it happen again.