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but tumblr seems to be the only social media I still have these days (besides my youtube account, but youtube is my substitute for television) and I don't want have any other semi-public platform to express this... but it's quite mind-boggling how among all of the paths I've gone down throughout the years, I ended up back at my 6th grade - 8th, 9th, 10th grade self. Alone in my room questioning my life and relationship with God and avoiding my responsibilities as a human being. Except now, instead of a room, I've traded it for a house. And instead of the Catholic concept of God, I have embraced the Islamic concept of God (arguably the same God). I'm on day two of playing hooky from work (I used my sick days, don't worry), and week two or three of avoiding any type of social interaction. I feel like I'm a teenager again during summer vacation, bed rotting before bed rotting was a thing.

What kind of cyclical life do we find ourselves in? Perhaps there is some hadith or ayah that can explain this weird nostalgia I am experiencing. I'm on day two of playing hooky from work, and week two or three of avoiding any type of social interaction. Instead of a tumblr or myspace post, I've opted for physical, bound journals that no one will ever read. And instead of hundreds or thousands of people online who might come across my posts, it's literally only a few pairs of eyes that might glance on a couple of buzzwords thrown here and there. I tried substack, didn't like it, deleted, remade, deleted again. I also heard having a substack is performative and that the CEO / founder is a huge tool among other things. Sometimes I hear people mention tumblr as if they still use it. I come back periodically to scroll through, wondering if whatever algorithm they're using still appeals to my tastes from a decade ago. I remember when I used to chase the engagement on this platform, watching the number of 'notes' climb on each post, satiety only being achieved above the hundreds or thousands. Now the comfort I find is in the hollow silence after hitting publish.

I feel as if this tumblr account is my codex for my young adult and adult life, and that my existence and my thoughts will be recordable in this world as long as the servers are kept up and running. Maybe keeping it alive is performative, but maybe we're performing for the hope of a future self. A decade from now, perhaps I will read this post and make another one reminiscing on "The Good Years." InshaAllah.