how fucking isolating is that.

not a single person who knows me IRL cared.

just let that sink in.

NOBODY CARED.

He turns 30 today, and damn it, I don’t know how to feel. If he’s happier without having contact with me, then I suppose I have to learn to be happy for him. But I don’t understand him not wanting me to leave, but also not wanting to try and say anything else.

This year has been so hard for very obvious reasons- I’ve lost respect for other friends as well as losing contact with others, but out of it all, I never thought I’d lose him. Certainly not in the “I take you for granted” way, but rather the “I feel so comfortable with you, because I can *actually* fully be myself, which is something I can’t do with literally anybody else” kinda way.

We liked teasing each other a fair bit, especially in ‘18/early ‘19 but I guess somewhere down the line, that died in amongst the multiple fall outs. Even when I seemed like I hated it, I really just enjoyed our time together. Whether it’s teasing or more importantly, spending time together chatting about random shit, and even watching game streams.

He’s made me feel human & free. He even helped with my insecurities, though he probably doesn’t even know or remember.

It just really really sucks, because I feel like I’ve been ‘saying goodbye’ to someone so important to me, for months on end, because reality is that I can’t really say goodbye to it. He means too much to me. He’s listened and stayed with me during some of the worst times of my life.

And yet sometimes, I wonder if I just felt or interpreted things wrong. Maybe I was someone to kill time with due to boredom? Because I’m amusing to mess with? Maybe because when I give my attention, I give *all* of my attention?

I don’t know. My gut still tells me it’s all been genuine, but my mind is confused about the *now* & what’s happened all year. If you don’t want me to leave, then say something? Please?? At the bare minimum, I deserve that much respect. This is not what you do to someone you care about.

Unless you don’t. Which in that case... at least have the decency to tell me so.

Was just talking to them a few weeks back, after not being on here for years, and now they’re just..gone?

I’ve never been cut out for life.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish i could reset my life.

This is too much.

How do you keep staying alive when all you want to do is die?

I had a bit of curiosity & just decided to log in briefly.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m still very much dysfunctional, but for a myriad of different reasons. I’m still alive, though more so ‘getting by’ rather than ‘living life’. It doesn’t bring me much happiness, and my (physical) health is significantly worse than it was 3 years ago.

So that’s me.

Whoever’s reading this- I hope you’re all doing well in life. I hope you’re all staying as safe as you can be during this insane pandemic, and looking after each other. Most of us are still in indefinite life limbo, and it’s such a destructive mindset to be in.

Don’t be a jerk to others. Don’t be racist. Stand up against anyone that you see being abused, whether it’s due to covid-related racism, or abuse against mask wearers etc. Stand up but keep a distance. Be careful.

I can’t trust anyone anymore.

My career is virtually down the drain.

My health is fucked.

I feel as if I’m lying to myself whenever I feel anything positive.

I have no idea who I am.

I don’t talk, and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Basically the only thing preventing me from another breakdown is consistently making myself feel nothing + distract myself with games.

Which means I’m not really doing anything productive with life, so.

.

.

I’m going to try to reply to my old messages in the coming week.

I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.

@shop-girl-1025 Unfortunately some are much worse than simply “stupid”, though.

Boys are dangerous and abusive and manipulative. They don’t look ahead or think about the consequences of things and in turn can severely hurt and damage us...