/end
RMH
todays bird

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
occasionally subtle

⁂

@theartofmadeline
will byers stan first human second

izzy's playlists!
One Nice Bug Per Day
hello vonnie
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

Product Placement
Monterey Bay Aquarium

Discoholic 🪩

Andulka
macklin celebrini has autism
almost home

if i look back, i am lost
dirt enthusiast

Love Begins

seen from India

seen from Venezuela

seen from Canada
seen from Argentina

seen from Argentina

seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Mexico
seen from Germany
seen from Brazil
@purpz
/end

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I’ve been in my place for a month now 😊
My veggie garden is coming along nicely. I have started collecting native plants for my front garden. There are plans for a fernery under my carport; and indoor plants.
The art room is set up and ready to go, I’ve just been waiting for the creativity to lock back on so I can get back to work.... at the moment I’m heavily focused on the gardens and other jobs around the house, but I have started one of those little diamond painting things that people are into at the moment. Mum bought it for me, it’s been good for passing some time and also trying to get my brain refocused on creative endeavours.
My next set of goals will involve learning how to relax properly, I have a really hard time sitting still. I also want to have a small housewarming party at some point but anxiety keeps telling me no one will come; it has happened in the past. The difference o keep trying to remind myself of, is that I have an entirely new set of people in my life to that point in time. That there are people who like me. I’m not the unlikeable mess I often feel like..... I will have that housewarming, when I’m ready... in the mean time I’ll have visits with people and start working on my socialising a little more. I’ll get there 😌
This is about 7 hours work... my body aches but my mind feels fantastic 😌
I’m not sure how, but today feels harder than yesterday... I’m a bit better this evening, but most of the day I’ve been borderline panicking over absolutely everything. They’re certainly not my favourite kind of days.... I know everyone has them, and I know that for me they feel massive and heavy and like I’ll never get out from under them, I also know that they will pass and I will be just fine.
Having mental health issues, while also being quite self aware about what I do and why, is a bit of a tough gig.
At some point I become aware of a reaction I am having, of my behaviours, and I may even realise right away why I’ve reacted in the manner that I have... but I am almost powerless to stop it once it’s in progress.... the emotional response is already in full swing, and it’ll take a bit for me to come down again, even when I know I might be overreacting...
My brain starts to feel like it’s physically full, my thoughts become sluggish and I find it hard to keep track of my thoughts, or to communicate in an effective way.... I have physical sensations of weight on my chest, I am quick to become frustrated, by anything.
Usually a good nights sleep is the only cure.... it’s like a reset button gets pushed and I can think and respond normally when I wake again.
I would love to find a way to get back to feeling normal again quicker than through sleep.
Today = fragile feels
Things just feel too big and too much and I would rather not deal with the world for a little while.
I got a text message from my ex, T, today with a short video of our niece (In)... every year on her birthday T asks In what she wants to be when she grows up, this year she is 6 and wants to be a singer 😌
It just reminded me that I haven’t seen In since just before Christmas.... that I will probably never get to spend as much time with her again as I used to... it really fucking hurts, more than anything else I’ve ever dealt with... having my niece kept away from me because of what exactly? I don’t even know.... I am grateful I still get to spend time with her when she’s at my Mums, but it feels so horrible when I spent A LOT of time helping care for her the first 3-4 years of her life. I just really miss getting the carefree time in that we used to... singing and dancing and whatever.... it really hurts.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I had a second FB profile that I kept, firstly as my name randomly gets flagged as fake and as such is shut down, it was a back up for the many times that happened..... but secondly, I used it to occasionally check in on where people from my past were at, ones who had hurt me enough that I felt safer having some idea of what areas I might encounter them, so I could ramp up the old hypervigilance a little more 🙄
Tonight I deleted it.
It’s been a couple of years since FB made me prove that my name is really my name, and if they do it again, I’ll take the social media break, whatever 🤷🏽♀️
Also, it’s well and truly time to stop looking back over my shoulder. There is no danger... even if I came face to face with the few people I’ve actively avoided, I’d manage it. It wouldn’t be pleasant, but I would be ok.
It feels strange to be letting that little piece of control go. But also, it’s a relief... I feel a bit lighter. I just want to focus on my present and my future...
Leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
It’s taken a while, something like a month or so, but this illness that has been nipping at my heels has finally caught up with me.... my throat is being hideous 🙄🤐 These things will happen when you don’t have time to rest and let things take their natural course. Now that I’ve really had more time to relax, it’s here 🤷🏽♀️
It’s been strange getting used to living on my own; I was always worried that I wouldn’t feel safe, and that’s likely because I never really thought of myself as strong, independent and capable before. Turns out, I’m all of those things, and a whole lot more.
I feel like I really have a chance at doing something more than just surviving with my life now, that I’m and of itself is actually quite overwhelming.... to suddenly look up and find that I have that thing, that I have been holding up as the key to a better and brighter future, that it has eventuated, and now I have the chance to take those steps I always dreamed of..... anxiety, being anxiety, already has me worrying that I can’t and won’t do anything useful with myself, whatever that even means 🙄🤷🏽♀️
I think it’s going to take me a little while to adjust to this new life; to the knowledge that I am safe and secure here, that I have a home that is mine for life. That I got so lucky and have an adorable little space to make my own, with gardens and outdoor space. Everything I could have dreamed of, it’s here. Soon enough I can decide what comes next... I know heading back to the markets will be on the agenda!! I still want that!!
For now, my only job is to really settle in to my home, physically and mentally, to allow myself to accept that those long years of instability have ended... to take it slowly building up a routine. To not feel guilty if I choose to have a rest day.... there is so much for me to work through and to move past, but I’m not too concerned, I’m pretty good at this whole working my stuff out thing 😏
Those new home feels 🥰
I’ve been in for 11 days now, and am finally feeling myself accepting that this has all happened, it’s not a dream or a mistake. It’s home... I find myself grinning whenever I realise that I’m here now, and it’s so much better than I had hoped for.
I’ve spent these last 11 days unpacking and organising things, making small adjustments and becoming familiar with the houses “personality”. Yesterday I planted the first seeds for my veggie garden...and some flowers for a little colour 💜
I’ve had a few people mention how different I seem now, relaxed and content... I feel different; the last few years have been about surviving whatever crazy situation I was in at any given time... I didn’t feel stable enough to relax, I think I spent that time almost continuously stressed... it’s little wonder I struggled with food and self medicating.
I’ve cooked several times already since being here; I’ve made batches of stock, soup and sauce for the freezer, as well as prepared and froze a tonne of fruits, I’ve been eating more regularly. I may put on some weight 🤷🏽♀️
Things are coming good, and I feel like I can breathe e.
I have a home 😍
I’m in! I moved in officially 2 days ago, and I’ve unpacked everything that I had here with me....there’s a couple more car loads that MG will bring by as she comes over.
My feet hurt, my muscles ache and I am SOOO tired... but I am so happy and so content. I love my little house!!!!! This place is everything I dreamed of and more... it’s certainly a lot nicer than I was expecting 😌
I’m yet to do any artwork this year, but that will change shortly, I have all the main bits and pieces from my art kit to get me creating again, besides, I have walls that need artwork 🤷🏽♀️
Here’s my new studio!!
I also have front and back gardens to plan!!!
My sister got married today.... she and her (now) husband kept it really small. Her mum and my dad, his mum and brother, her cousin and cousins partner.... first I heard of it was a few days ago.... I’ve barely heard a word from her in months.... I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t think there’s an issue between us?? 😔 Part of me feels a bit hurt that I wasnt invited, or even told about the wedding, but I also understand why she’s done things the way she has.... I’m just feeling a bit conflicted about it all at the moment.... with other family stuff going on with my brothers, I guess I’m just feeling like my family is so completely fractured.... it is what it is... I can’t get too bogged down by any of that, I have to focus on the my life.
Tomorrow is the big move day...MG and I are getting a van in the morning and taking the large items over to my new place... try to get everything as put together as possible for when I begin to stay there, which is hopefully going to be Tuesday, depends on if my electricity is connected or not.... we’ve also discovered that I have solar hot water!!!!! This makes my little hippie heart happy! I also can’t wait to get my veggie garden going and to bring my little front yard back to life.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Here we go again 😳😳🙄
Tomorrow afternoon I get the keys to my new place 😁 we are moving the first load of stuff over at the same time, just to get the ball rolling. It’s going to be a busy few days, but that’s better than the 21 hour straight move MG and I put ourselves through to move me to here 😳🙄 we need to take it a bit easier this time around. But then we are planning a picnic on the floor, a bottle of wine and some music while we start unpacking and creating a warm space.
Mum has been an absolute angel; she’s organised a fridge and a washing machine for me. Loaned me money to hire the moving van and get sorted. Bought stuff for the house, I’m not even sure what yet.......I really am lucky to have a mother like her. She’s certainly under no obligation to continue to help me out in the way that she does, not at my age. She’s wonderful.
Dad is down from Sydney, so my brother, M and I, and MG, are meeting at the house on Saturday, and then heading out for lunch and a drink. I think it’s been 2 years since I’ve seen him 😳 time just goes so fast in my life, maybe in everyone’s? I dunno... it feels like I blink and another year has passed sometimes lol. I am looking forward to seeing him again 😌
I got the letter!!!
I’ve been offered a 2 bedroom unit in a suburb I am very familiar with from my younger years. I’ve google searched & google earthed the property, it’s cuuuuuute 😍 ... I get to see inside on Monday 💜
The biggest drawback in this, is that I moved into MGs place only a week ago 😔 neither of us really expected that the letter would come so soon, I’d heard nothing else from the housing mob, and had to move from where I was regardless... we were hoping for a little more time to live together, but also, there’s no reason we can’t do so again in the future... this is just weird timing, and a bit of a change in plans; it’s nothing we can’t handle.
I need to live on my own for a while, to have that experience, and to make my home my own. To set down roots finally... it’s hard to explain right now, my brain has been going a million miles an hour all day... happy stress is still stress 😳🙄
Life is seldom dull...
I am just under a week out from moving to my 4 house is 3 years... and on Wednesday I received a call re: one of the housing applications I have had in place for the last 3 years.... i have made it to the top of the list, and basically they’re just waiting on a suitable property to become available. That may very well take the rest of the year, who really knows 🤷🏽♀️ ...... I do hope I get to settle into where I am moving to for a while at least before another move takes place 🙄 Though it is nice to know that the lists have been moving!
This is very definitely going to be an eventful year, in just about every aspect possible.
It’s amazing what I am able to do when I manage to wait out my stress and anxiety responses.
I now have a solution in place to pay for a van so that I can move towards the end of next week. I’ll be paying rent here still for a few more weeks, but I need to put my physical self into a less anxiety inducing environment.
I’m about 90% packed, aside from kitchen, bathroom and backyard stuff. The most difficult thing to move is going to be my 132 litre fish tank... I’m a bit nervous about that, but it has to happen, so it will. I often forget how efficient I am at packing and moving, I have done it somethkng like 35 times now. I’ve also managed to rid myself of a lot of stuff I was hanging onto for no good reason. I think part of me has just always been scared to let stuff go in case I can’t replace it, because I’m never sure what my next living situation will be or what I might need....but it’s definitely been time for a good clean out
I have had THE WORST hayfever today, packing is definitely a factor in that... there is SO much dust in this place that I have been sneezing almost non stop. My sinuses are not happy, nor is my poor nose who has been wiped that much that the skin is now red raw. Hopefully by morning I might be able to breathe through my nose again 🙄
A month from now, I will be settled into my new home and relaxed and comfortable.
Just gotta hold onto that
Ok, I’m really struggling at the moment.
I’ve gotten a lot of my packing done, and have a little more to go. I’m a bit nervous about packing things in the main areas of the house because I know it’s upsetting B a little.... but I was told I needed to move, and for my own mental health sake that can’t drag out for months. Plus the atmosphere has gotten really heavy around here and I can feel it affecting me, a lot. I’m on edge all the time.... the honest truth is that I need to move as soon as I can.... but I can’t really do that until we have some money together either.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Rant
Every single person who has ever made me feel like shit because of my lack of money, GO AND GET FUCKED YOU ABSOLUTELY PUTRID PIECE OF SHIT.........from my own “brother”, to ex friends, ex partners WHOEVER.... you are a nasty piece of shit. How fucking dare you???? What the fuck went wrong in your upbringing?
Everyone is so fucking willing to punch down onto others..... and I’m tired of being the punching bag for them. I can’t do it anymore. As soon as these kinds of people stop getting what they want from you, they turn on you.
I am struggling every single day to make ends meet, and they usually don’t. It’s probably lucky that I only eat once a day, because I couldn’t afford to eat more than that anyway. My animals get fed, I make do.
I need to change my moving plans and move as soon as I can, everything being up in the air is already affecting my mental state.... my anxiety is up on high most of the time. I need to feel safe and secure again.
I just want my own place where I can be settled and stable and hide from all these fucking dickbags of the world.
I hate feeling this churned up inside, I’m in a perpetual state of ready to cry or ready to scream.
I wish I could forget everyone and everything that contributed to the way these feelings are shaped....
I’m starting to feel really overwhelmed by stuff in my life at the moment.
The likelihood of my Grandma dying in the next few months, having to start getting ready to move again, needing to sort through ALL of my stuff so I’m not carrying so much around with me... it’s likely to still be years before I get a place of my own.
My bank have taken $57 in fees in the last few days thanks to PayPal because useless as fuck.... I can’t afford to be down $57.... i don’t get paid until next week and with an account in debit, the fees could keep on rolling in.... I called customer service but without some stupid password I set YEARS ago, they won’t help me and I have to make my way to one of their 4 branches.... like there aren’t a million other ways to ID me....definitely time for a new bank.
Its so tempting to just curl up into a ball and cry, there is so much to do 😶.... but I can’t, I just have to get this shit done so I can move again...