Purple Phoenix Rising

My veggie garden is coming along nicely. I have started collecting native plants for my front garden. There are plans for a fernery under my carport; and indoor plants.

The art room is set up and ready to go, I’ve just been waiting for the creativity to lock back on so I can get back to work.... at the moment I’m heavily focused on the gardens and other jobs around the house, but I have started one of those little diamond painting things that people are into at the moment. Mum bought it for me, it’s been good for passing some time and also trying to get my brain refocused on creative endeavours.

Having mental health issues, while also being quite self aware about what I do and why, is a bit of a tough gig.

At some point I become aware of a reaction I am having, of my behaviours, and I may even realise right away why I’ve reacted in the manner that I have... but I am almost powerless to stop it once it’s in progress.... the emotional response is already in full swing, and it’ll take a bit for me to come down again, even when I know I might be overreacting...

My brain starts to feel like it’s physically full, my thoughts become sluggish and I find it hard to keep track of my thoughts, or to communicate in an effective way.... I have physical sensations of weight on my chest, I am quick to become frustrated, by anything.

Usually a good nights sleep is the only cure.... it’s like a reset button gets pushed and I can think and respond normally when I wake again.

Things just feel too big and too much and I would rather not deal with the world for a little while.

I got a text message from my ex, T, today with a short video of our niece (In)... every year on her birthday T asks In what she wants to be when she grows up, this year she is 6 and wants to be a singer 😌

Tonight I deleted it.

It’s been a couple of years since FB made me prove that my name is really my name, and if they do it again, I’ll take the social media break, whatever 🤷🏽‍♀️

Also, it’s well and truly time to stop looking back over my shoulder. There is no danger... even if I came face to face with the few people I’ve actively avoided, I’d manage it. It wouldn’t be pleasant, but I would be ok.

It feels strange to be letting that little piece of control go. But also, it’s a relief... I feel a bit lighter. I just want to focus on my present and my future...

It’s been strange getting used to living on my own; I was always worried that I wouldn’t feel safe, and that’s likely because I never really thought of myself as strong, independent and capable before. Turns out, I’m all of those things, and a whole lot more.

I feel like I really have a chance at doing something more than just surviving with my life now, that I’m and of itself is actually quite overwhelming.... to suddenly look up and find that I have that thing, that I have been holding up as the key to a better and brighter future, that it has eventuated, and now I have the chance to take those steps I always dreamed of..... anxiety, being anxiety, already has me worrying that I can’t and won’t do anything useful with myself, whatever that even means 🙄🤷🏽‍♀️

I think it’s going to take me a little while to adjust to this new life; to the knowledge that I am safe and secure here, that I have a home that is mine for life. That I got so lucky and have an adorable little space to make my own, with gardens and outdoor space. Everything I could have dreamed of, it’s here. Soon enough I can decide what comes next... I know heading back to the markets will be on the agenda!! I still want that!!

I’ve been in for 11 days now, and am finally feeling myself accepting that this has all happened, it’s not a dream or a mistake. It’s home... I find myself grinning whenever I realise that I’m here now, and it’s so much better than I had hoped for.

I’ve spent these last 11 days unpacking and organising things, making small adjustments and becoming familiar with the houses “personality”. Yesterday I planted the first seeds for my veggie garden...and some flowers for a little colour 💜

I’ve had a few people mention how different I seem now, relaxed and content... I feel different; the last few years have been about surviving whatever crazy situation I was in at any given time... I didn’t feel stable enough to relax, I think I spent that time almost continuously stressed... it’s little wonder I struggled with food and self medicating.

I’ve cooked several times already since being here; I’ve made batches of stock, soup and sauce for the freezer, as well as prepared and froze a tonne of fruits, I’ve been eating more regularly. I may put on some weight 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m in! I moved in officially 2 days ago, and I’ve unpacked everything that I had here with me....there’s a couple more car loads that MG will bring by as she comes over.

My feet hurt, my muscles ache and I am SOOO tired... but I am so happy and so content. I love my little house!!!!! This place is everything I dreamed of and more... it’s certainly a lot nicer than I was expecting 😌

I’m yet to do any artwork this year, but that will change shortly, I have all the main bits and pieces from my art kit to get me creating again, besides, I have walls that need artwork 🤷🏽‍♀️

Here’s my new studio!!

Tomorrow afternoon I get the keys to my new place 😁 we are moving the first load of stuff over at the same time, just to get the ball rolling. It’s going to be a busy few days, but that’s better than the 21 hour straight move MG and I put ourselves through to move me to here 😳🙄 we need to take it a bit easier this time around. But then we are planning a picnic on the floor, a bottle of wine and some music while we start unpacking and creating a warm space.

Mum has been an absolute angel; she’s organised a fridge and a washing machine for me. Loaned me money to hire the moving van and get sorted. Bought stuff for the house, I’m not even sure what yet.......I really am lucky to have a mother like her. She’s certainly under no obligation to continue to help me out in the way that she does, not at my age. She’s wonderful.

I’ve been offered a 2 bedroom unit in a suburb I am very familiar with from my younger years. I’ve google searched & google earthed the property, it’s cuuuuuute 😍 ... I get to see inside on Monday 💜

The biggest drawback in this, is that I moved into MGs place only a week ago 😔 neither of us really expected that the letter would come so soon, I’d heard nothing else from the housing mob, and had to move from where I was regardless... we were hoping for a little more time to live together, but also, there’s no reason we can’t do so again in the future... this is just weird timing, and a bit of a change in plans; it’s nothing we can’t handle.

I am just under a week out from moving to my 4 house is 3 years... and on Wednesday I received a call re: one of the housing applications I have had in place for the last 3 years.... i have made it to the top of the list, and basically they’re just waiting on a suitable property to become available. That may very well take the rest of the year, who really knows 🤷🏽‍♀️ ...... I do hope I get to settle into where I am moving to for a while at least before another move takes place 🙄 Though it is nice to know that the lists have been moving!

I now have a solution in place to pay for a van so that I can move towards the end of next week. I’ll be paying rent here still for a few more weeks, but I need to put my physical self into a less anxiety inducing environment.

I’m about 90% packed, aside from kitchen, bathroom and backyard stuff. The most difficult thing to move is going to be my 132 litre fish tank... I’m a bit nervous about that, but it has to happen, so it will. I often forget how efficient I am at packing and moving, I have done it somethkng like 35 times now. I’ve also managed to rid myself of a lot of stuff I was hanging onto for no good reason. I think part of me has just always been scared to let stuff go in case I can’t replace it, because I’m never sure what my next living situation will be or what I might need....but it’s definitely been time for a good clean out

I have had THE WORST hayfever today, packing is definitely a factor in that... there is SO much dust in this place that I have been sneezing almost non stop. My sinuses are not happy, nor is my poor nose who has been wiped that much that the skin is now red raw. Hopefully by morning I might be able to breathe through my nose again 🙄

A month from now, I will be settled into my new home and relaxed and comfortable.

Every single person who has ever made me feel like shit because of my lack of money, GO AND GET FUCKED YOU ABSOLUTELY PUTRID PIECE OF SHIT.........from my own “brother”, to ex friends, ex partners WHOEVER.... you are a nasty piece of shit. How fucking dare you???? What the fuck went wrong in your upbringing?

Everyone is so fucking willing to punch down onto others..... and I’m tired of being the punching bag for them. I can’t do it anymore. As soon as these kinds of people stop getting what they want from you, they turn on you.

I am struggling every single day to make ends meet, and they usually don’t. It’s probably lucky that I only eat once a day, because I couldn’t afford to eat more than that anyway. My animals get fed, I make do.

I need to change my moving plans and move as soon as I can, everything being up in the air is already affecting my mental state.... my anxiety is up on high most of the time. I need to feel safe and secure again.

I just want my own place where I can be settled and stable and hide from all these fucking dickbags of the world.

I hate feeling this churned up inside, I’m in a perpetual state of ready to cry or ready to scream.

The likelihood of my Grandma dying in the next few months, having to start getting ready to move again, needing to sort through ALL of my stuff so I’m not carrying so much around with me... it’s likely to still be years before I get a place of my own.

My bank have taken $57 in fees in the last few days thanks to PayPal because useless as fuck.... I can’t afford to be down $57.... i don’t get paid until next week and with an account in debit, the fees could keep on rolling in.... I called customer service but without some stupid password I set YEARS ago, they won’t help me and I have to make my way to one of their 4 branches.... like there aren’t a million other ways to ID me....definitely time for a new bank.