you have to make a choice.

Esmé is about to snap back at him, but decides against it, biting her tongue. Her fingers halt at the buckle on her chest, eyebrow quirking at his question.

( Does he believe Lovof had me trained beforehand? )

If her former boss had bothered with that detail,  Esmé might not be such a problematic soldier. However, that isn’t the case. In fact, the basics of the gear are all she is familiar with, and that too from observing other Scouts over the course of the last month or two. If they were beyond the walls right now,  Esmé is sure she wouldn’t survive a minute. If Isabel and Farlan—two skilled users of the gear—didn’t make it back alive, she couldn’t expect her novice self to do any better.

“What training? I had none at all. My job—” She cuts herself off there. Her ‘job’ is in the past. Now, she’s a soldier, with or without her approval. Instead,  Esmé settles with implication, “Lovof didn’t have me trained in ODM gear’s use. I don’t know how to work this thing, at least not properly.”

“So you’re just going to give up?”

At least, that’s what it looked like. ...And as Esmé mentions Lovof, Levi feels himself tense up. That’s why he doesn’t like her. ...Who knows how she’d gotten a position with Lovof - maybe it wasn’t something she could help, for all he knows. But he can’t help but hold a grudge nonetheless.

( If it weren’t for her... would they still be...? )

“I’m not a teacher. If watching me helps, then feel free to watch. Just don’t expect any kind of special treatment.”

🔥 — WHAT AIR OF MELANCHOLY MIGHT HAVE ENSHROUDED REINE FIAMMATA while his confessions were woven into damp morning air, gaze averted and mind clinging to his questions, trying to find the right context and now dissolves at last when she let a few sigh of a build up confusion upon his query. 

❝ You know, you might want to take a few days off to gather yourself. We just had a few new recruits namely Petra Ral and Oluo Bossard past two weeks ago. ❞ vocals are tight as sharp breath exudes while running a few digits brush past her ash golden locks to undo the knot on her hair.

❝ And we are preparing for another expedition outside the walls one week from now. ❞ a pause, while her fist rested on her waist to study the confused man before her. The cadet is not used to seeing him like this. He’s akin to a lost puppy waiting to be picked up by his owner.

“...I see.”

So, Petra and Oluo... if they were new recruits right now, then he’s been taken back a long time. Far longer than he’d expected, if he’d expected anything at all.

But there’s so many people. More than he can count. So many people who he’d sure had been dead, gone - never to be seen again... that are miraculously alive once more. The people he’d lost...

Had he been able to carry on their wills? In the end, had he achieved anything at all?

It doesn’t matter. Because this is a second chance.

And briefly, a flicker of a smile makes its way across his face, so fast that it can barely be seen at all. Then, it’s gone.

Levi wakes with a start, eyes wide and body tense, and there’s a certain wildness to him that normally only comes out when he’s in a fight. But then, as he looks to Hanji, his expression softens... and for a moment, he looks more vulnerable than he has in a very long time.

That's right. It was just a dream.

( At least for now... )

Martin’s shoulders immediately relax without his permission when Levi doesn’t take him up on his offer. He knows that it be good for him, that it would shock him out of this… state. But even the though of it had made it panic, and he finds himself relieved to almost a ridiculous extent that he doesn’t have to deal with it right now.

Levi steps forward to put his hand on Martin’s shoulder as a compromise, and Martin forces himself to not flinch away. He needs this. This is good. He does not want to let the fog win.

Even the small touch that it is makes the fog thicken slightly in displeasure, and Martin takes a deep breath through it, not letting it whisk him away. It’s only after a few seconds that he’s aware enough again to notice Levi’s expression.

He looks so very, very awkward. Like he does want to give this comfort, to help Martin, but it is definitely not something he’s used to. He has no idea how to really go about it. The man’s hand is stiff on Martin’s shoulder, not warm and relaxed.

And Martin has to look away to hide his smile. Because it’s just so Jon-like. Of course, Jon is a lot better about it now that they’ve been together a while, but before everything happened- it just reminds him of the comfort that Jon had tried to extend after he’d been locked in his flat by… by the worms. Of when Jon had shown him to the cot after he’d given his statement, of the way he had shuffled awkwardly on his feet for a few seconds before stiffly putting his hand on Martin’s shoulder because he wanted to give Martin comfort but didn’t know how.

It’s exactly like what Levi is doing now. Levi is a good person, Martin remembers. He’d almost forgotten. Jon is coming soon too. And then he and Levi will meet. Martin doesn’t know exactly how it’s going to go, but he definitely wants to find out.

And with that thought, the last of the fog roiling around their feet finally dissipates. There’s still some in his heart. Martin can tell. But he also knows that if he keeps thinking about Jon, it won’t even be able to last a few minutes.

He nods in response to Levi’s prompt, standing there for a few more seconds before gently moving out of Levi’s grip on his shoulder, intent on finishing untying his sleeping bag from his rucksack.

“I only have my rucksack, unfortunately.” Martin begins, starting to spread the sleeping bag out on the ground. His voice is already almost back to normal. “So I only have the one sleeping bag. I do have a blanket you can take, though.”

He takes the blanket out of his rucksack in one swift motion and holds it out.

“You’re rather well prepared.”

Of all the things Levi was expecting Martin to have in that rucksack, a sleeping bag was not one of them. Though he had been wondering around in a world that had already ended, hadn’t he? It makes sense that he’d be prepared to sleep anywhere.

“Thanks.” Levi responds, taking the blanket with one hand.

...Martin seems to be more relaxed, now, at least. He’s not sure exactly what did it, but it’s a relief.. If they can keep this up, they might even be able to make it back to the Walls... Though that’s only if they can find enough to eat and drink along the way.

But, before that...

A lie is already on the tip of his tongue before Martin even really processes the question. “I’m f-”

His mouth snaps shut in his haste to cut himself off, heart pounding in his chest.

Martin’s honestly not sure what to say. He doesn’t want- no, he can’t- deal with a proper conversation about feelings right now. Even the thought of doing so thickens the fog for a split second, ready to help Martin escape, before he shoves it away by thinking of Jon once more.

But… he doesn’t want to stay in this state either. There needs to be some compromise. He needs to guide himself back to a place where The Lonely isn’t affecting him anymore, step by step. Because if he’s going to be doing this again (and he knows he’ll have to when he wakes up), he can’t still be feeling Lonely when he starts or he’ll lose himself completely.

And if he lies here, he may have no chance at all.

So he swallows his fear, and hopes that his intuition that Levi is like Jon is right. He hopes desperately than Levi does not like emotional conversations.

He takes a deep breath and looks at Levi’s shoulder, still completely unable to look him in the eye. “I’m feeling some side effects, but they’re not as bad as I thought. If I have some time to focus on my anchor before we get some rest then I should be fine by morning.”

“That’s all really.” Martin is already starting to push off his rucksack as he talks, trying to pull the sleeping bag free.

Then he pauses, trying not to tremble as a suggestion occurs to him. He doesn’t want to say it. God, he fucking does not want to say it.

“If you wanted to speed up that process though…” He closes his eyes. Come on, Martin. “Physical touch helps. It’s grounding.”

It makes me remember that the people I care about are real, makes it harder for me to run away from what I feel, he doesn’t say. Martin doesn’t have the energy to explain that right now.

“A hug might help.” He eventually forces out.

Levi lets some of the tension he’d been feeling drain out of him at Martin’s words. It sounds like he has it just about under control, and he seems to be cooperative, too, which is good.

But then, Martin suggests something so out of the blue that it takes Levi off-guard. The surprise must be showing on his face a little.

“...I’m not really the hugging type.” he responds, bluntly, after a moment’s hesitation. It’s a harsh answer, perhaps, but... there’s a certain level of vulnerability that Levi associates with that kind of touch, and he isn’t willing to expose himself like that so easily.

But... well, Levi isn’t stupid. He can’t let his pride get in the way of what’s needed.

So, somewhat awkwardly, he puts a hand on Martin’s shoulder. ...It’s intended to be a reassuring touch, though Levi’s a bit out of practice with that sort of thing. It’s not the first time he’s had to comfort someone, though.

It takes at least 30 seconds for Martin to be able to take a breath that’s not followed by more coughing; his lungs hurt something awful.

He opens his eyes and sees Levi kneeling in front of him, concerned. Part of him is happy to see the sight of his friend- to see that he’s okay, to see that he cares about what happens to Martin. But a louder part of him is still reeling from the fog he had just been wrapped in, and he averts Levi’s gaze standing up by himself and putting a bit more space between them.

That was the longest he’s ever been invisible for. Even if he didn’t know it because of the shift in time, he would know because of the way he feels right now. He’s not wrapped in the fog anymore, no- but everything right now… just feels like a bit too much. Levi is too much right now. He doesn’t… he doesn’t necessarily want to be alone (Jon, Jon, Jon), but he doesn’t know if he can really deal with company either.

The thought of talking, connecting, sharing something with another human person is overwhelming and terrifying right now. Martin doesn’t want to do it.

But if he had let fear stop him before, then he would never have gotten anywhere.

He takes a deep breath, looking back in Levi’s direction (though he’s not quite brave enough to look him in the eyes just yet). “What do you think we should do now?”

The tone comes off as slightly distant- not cold, exactly, but not warm either. But Martin can’t bring himself to try again. Just the one small question had already taken most of his energy.

Martin seems... off, uncomfortable in a way that Levi can’t quite place. Is the use of his power still affecting him? To be honest, Levi still doesn’t fully understand how it works, and he doesn’t know quite how to respond to Martin at first. Should he- ask if he’s alright? Remind him about Jon?

He decides to answer his question, for now. He’ll get a better judge on the situation before taking any further action.

“I would suggest we keep walking... but it’s almost impossible to see in this darkness. ...It might be a good idea to rest for a while.” he says, thinking out loud.

Then, he pauses for a moment, and turns his full attention back to Martin. The question he asks next comes out a little awkwardly.

Martin startles once again, stopping in his tracks as Levi interrupts their silence.

God. He was honestly hoping he’d managed to leave the man behind. But he supposes you can’t win them all.

He sighs and glances over to the man, frustrated. Why does Levi keep interrupting? Can he not leave Martin alone for more than an hour?

And that tone, too- so fucking patronising. Martin isn’t a child. He’s about to send Levi a scathing response, to tell him exactly what he thinks about everything the man’s been doing, but then Levi’s words actually catch up to him.

‘You can stop using your power.’

Martin frowns in confusion. Why would he want to stop? He likes it like this. He likes being alone. He likes having no one (bar Levi, annoyingly) notice him. So why is Levi suggesting otherwise?

A response comes from his subconscious, and he almost kicks it back down automatically, because for some reason that’s what he’s been doing constantly the last few hours. But he manages to hold back at the last second, and allows the thought come to the forefront of his mind.

Because Jon needs you.

For one lonely second, Martin doesn’t know who that is.

And then everything comes rushing back, numbed as it is. Jon. Jon!

Martin doesn’t even bother listening to the whispering fog, instead focusing all his thoughts on the man he loves. On that shy smile, the fondness in his eyes, the way that Jon laughs so much more now that they’re together, despite everything happening. He focuses on the fact that Jon needs him. That he’s in love. That he wants to be in love, and he refuses to forget that, he refuses.

The Loneliness dissipates, and within just a few seconds, the two of them become visible again.

And Martin falls onto his knees, vigorously coughing up fog.

“Oi, Martin!”

Levi rushes over to Martin, kneeling down to try and meet his eyes, though Martin isn’t looking at him. There’s a thick fog that seems to be coming from his throat, instead, as he coughs and splutters, and Levi feels the beginnings of worry begin to rise up inside him as he watches.

They’re not invisible anymore - that, Levi knows. Because in a moment, all at once, that feeling had left him. That haze through which he experienced the world was gone, and everything had snapped back into place.

It was... easier than Levi had expected. He hadn’t even had to say anything, just watched as Martin pulled himself out of that state on his own, before falling to the ground and starting to cough up that strange fog. For the first time, Levi feels that maybe they actually might make it back to the Walls, even if it feels like it’ll take forever.