Chaotic

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I regret it because now am waiting for the plane to take off, and I am not able to share all this with you, instead I write it down in my note, hoping one day you would come back to my doll house and read it. Hoping you would actually hold me while I cry through these words, but I know that they will end up as a ball I choke on at the back of my throat, as I hold my tears and words back from spilling them all on you, or is it more to you now? No it’s more of you watching me spill every ounce of sanity I have, watching me break into a million pieces; with utter sorrow and pain in your eyes. And this my love, is the one thing I most regret, and yet not regret at all; loving you till I am speechless.

And words will forever be immortal

I am not okay.

My room coloured grey drapped in blinds. But then it all looked black as I went back to sleep, in a disperate attempt to prevent me from shattering and letting all my colours drip away.

Curses were fired, anger was shot, blame and more blame was dropped like a heat-seeking missile. And just like a child witnessing war unfold, I too was afraid. I was afraid to lose my home.

For how long will I keep pretending like am comfortable with the people around me, while deep down I am actually rocking back and forth like a 5 year old in a corner, inaudibly screaming out my depression. Dryly crying out my pain, the pain of constantly not feeling okay and not knowing why. Or maybe I do know why, but the answer to that why is so much of more than a tumblr post can hold. That last time my heart got wrenched out of my dying body changed me for life, scared me with a permanent tattoo of fear and fright from love, from being love and loving another dying body. All what's left of me now is a mess of an anxious human with a very numb heart and a dark sense of humour.

Have you ever sat there wanting so desperately to spill out all the overflowing mess of thoughts onto a paper or a blog but couldn’t? You open up the notebook, you open up a new note on your phone, and then just faltering and closing everything, tucking it aside; just as you tuck those clutter of mind mesh at the farthest, darkest corner of your mind. Well I have, and it took every ounce of energy left in me to type this with my eyes still wet from last night’s flood. This is no rant, nor a call for help. This is me declaring, or more like finally admitting something I have been running away from. I am not okay. I am not fine, and I haven’t been for a long while now, it seems as if all happy memories are too distant to distinguish. I know I have been distant lately, been distracted, dull. Wore a common lie of “I am alright” like an Invisibility cloak to hide away my constant pain. But no more, I am not alright. I might be going into depression now, or it might just be a phase, but whichever way it is, am done hiding. A very good friend told me the one thing I didn’t expect. To stop tying so hard to be okay, and just laying back in the mess and pain, feeling it fully. “Lay back and watch the stars instead” he said. And watching the stars and moon do their nightly dance, I shall.

They never seem to end. One moment I am okay, doing something mundane, and the next my world collapses as my bony cages cave in to push all air out of them. Like I push people away from me, unable to let them see how dark it gets inside my knotted head, unable to let them watch me overflow with pain. Hot, sour tears overflow my face, burning tracks for my demons to come out of my own mind and into the open. And out in the outside world, they just seem like a normal panic attack. So vulnerable, so fragile, like that delicate membrane of serenity the breaks every time I breakdown. Let me fight them alone, they are my own battle to spare.

But friends aren’t supposed to make you cry yourself to sleep. Friends aren’t supposed to make you regret sending them a text and not getting any reply back. Friends aren’t supposed to make you feel discarded. Friends aren’t supposed to make you swallow back that lump that forms in your throat every time you want to blurt out your pain. Friends aren’t supposed to make you feel afraid to reach out for them. Friends aren't supposed to make you feel pathetic. But maybe that’s what life is, friends are human, and humans are supposed to make you feel things.

And maybe this just another mindful rant to the void, but here goes nothing. The idea of a sudden end has always troubled me. One day a human contact can just end. One day an aching depression can end. One day the days of being love drunk can end. One day a human ends. And this, by far, is the most fascinating yet sad truth of all. A human ends, suddenly, swiftly, vaguely just comes to their ending. And it leaves me wondering, why aren’t we all thinking about this? No, why aren’t we all acting upon this? We take people for granted, we play games and stop talking to them just to “teach them a lesson” waiting for a specific response from them. But what if they just end, and you would be left wondering why haven’t you said goodbye, only to let guilt eat you up alive, and so, you too end. Yes life is short, but it’s also worth it. People are worth forgiving, worth fighting for, worth loving. And no amount of mistakes should ever make you discard a human you care about for your own selfish reasons. One day, they will end, and so shall we. I’d rather end while showing someone love, than to watch them end trying to prove their love for me.