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'Hey guys, it's me, Jordan. I'm on Stiles watch today. As you all know, Stiles worries us a lot around here, especially the boss, but he's been getting into less trouble lately. He's been, uh. Melancholy? Which is a weird word to use about a goose that keeps trying to steal my Fritos, but yeah.

We weren't even sure he really knew that he was a goose, when he first showed up. He seemed like he might have been hand-raised and abandoned, but ever since the flocks heading south started going overhead, he's been out watching them.'

*muffled noises* *the camera zooms in on Stiles, and then tilts up to show a far-off vee of geese*

'There they go. Of course, none of us would try and stop him from going off with them, now that he's all healed up (though i think the boss would cry) but he never does, he always just'

*muffled noises*

'hold on, I'll try to follow without alerting him-'

*the camera lens shakily follow Stiles, mostly getting shots of reeds or dirt or Jordan's shoes until it comes to a stop again*

'-Stiles is really loyal, we guess, or lovestruck, so he always heads back to wherever Derek and the swooslings are. Which is napping today, I guess, so I guess Stiles will . . . wake him up, kind of rude - oh! look at the swooslings popping out. That's really f- that's super cute, huh? Pop-pop-pop.'

*the camera zooms in on the swooslings nestled inside Derek's feathers. one of the cygnets scrambles out towards their other dad*

Not until Stiles. He just showed up one day - actually, he showed up trapped in a plastic Target bag and we had to rescue him, and once he saw Derek he imprinted immediately. At first he'd just sort of hanging around, dong his own goose thing and sadly watching Der and Kate gliding around from a distance, but the first time he saw Kate plucking it was on. He went AFTER her - they were fighting all the time, we had to use nets, it was disturbing all the other birds - eventually we decided to catch and collar Kate and have her transferred to a different sanctuary. She was already on thin ice with us, anyway, since she was an egg-breaker.

So it's not like we were going to get cynets from Derek anyway, and when he finally let Stiles get up close and sweet with him, and share his nest - well. We all like Stiles, even if he is an idiot who needs rescuing about once a week. Derek does a lot of the heavy lifting for that, anyway. Like when Stiles got his head caught in a -

Oh, the babies? Uh, let me see . . . That's Erica and that's Isaac - they're the cygnets Stiles lured away from Jackson and Lydia, who are a pair that actually breeds. Boyd is an orphaned gosling Derek brought home.

Yeah, no, it's adorable. We know.

. . . that's a little exaggerated. I mean, I like Wodehouse as much as anyone, but swans do sometimes mind their own business . . . unless you get anywhere near Stiles. Then bets are off. We actually can't have female geese around because Derek gets very jealous and LOUD-'

Chief wildlife officer Stilinski (idk what he'd be called but that sounds official) is the one who found Stiles in the plastic target bag. He's unsure if Stiles was trying to fight the bag or if there was food inside it. He claims to not have a favourite, but none of the other animals in the sanctuary are named after him or get away with so much crime

Melissa McCall brings her rescue dog Scott to work with her. He's not allowed in the bird area, on account of he's a dog, but he does love pressing his whole snoot up against the chain link fence and wagging at them very enthusiastically. If he could melt through the fence terminator 2 style, he would. He likes birds

Most of the birds are afraid of Scott, on account of he is a dog, but not Stiles, on account of he doesn't have any survival instincts. His first meeting with Scott through the fence went kinda like

Stiles: hi. What the fuck are you

Scott: dog. What the fuck are you

Stiles: goose.

Scott: cool

Stiles: cool

Scott and Stiles: SNIFFSNIFFSNIFFSNIFF

Derek: LOUD HISSING IN THE BACKGROUND QUICKLY GETTING CLOSER

(also I couldn't figure out how to give Scott his crooked jaw, so I made him one of those dogs who sits crooked instead)

tiger derek and piglet stiles / sloth stiles and black cat derek

dog derek and goose stiles / elephant derek and lab stiles

capybara derek and bird stiles / horse derek and goat stiles

raccoon stiles and black cat derek / squirrel stiles and orange cat derek

Orange cat/black cat (Derek is very black cat coded)

Be honest, Stiles is a very dramatic queen who would slay anyone just to keep Derek safe, and work his a off just to buy him a nice decoration for the Camaro, or take him to a fancy restaurant

And Derek is a very kind soul that went through too much and grew into a soft puppy that would do everything and more to make sure Stiles is happy, comfortable and protected at all time

but

i’m 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bones; doe eyes are my only defense!

It's not-

It's not weird.

You're supposed to stalk your prey. That's normal, everyone does that, no matter what his sister have to say about it. And it just makes sense, to fatten up your prey before you eat it. Honestly, Derek's amazed that no one's ever tried it before.

Maybe it's a little weird that the really cute that the totally average deer with eyes Derek hasn't even noticed ignored the big pile of leaves and grass and raspberries Derek hauled over in favor of the weird curly things at the bottom of a bag he stole from a human's car (there was a meat thing, too. Derek ate the meat thing) but he looked really happy about them and the deer's been looking really sleek and well-fed lately so that's.

Derek will probably eat him by the end of the season. Or next season. Definitely before the ice comes. Or before it melts.