we do terrible things for the people we love

Okay, I’ve thought about this question for most of a day, because the obvious answer is “….why would I?”, but it’s clearly not obvious to you.

Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. They’re a doctor. They’re a professional you’ve gone to for help. And pain and fatigue are, like, medical things, right? Going to a doctor about medical stuff and then saying “LOL NOPE” to what the doctor says is like hiring a plumber and then arguing about how to fix your sink, right? If you’re so smart, why’d you call the plumber over?

Okay.

But now imagine your basement is flooding and you call the plumber. While on the phone, the plumber asks you what the problem is and you say that there’s a pipe in your basement that’s burst and it’s now flooded.

And the plumber—still on the phone—says “LOL NOPE.”

And you say, “Excuse me?”

The plumber says, “Look, a flooded basement is a really severe problem, okay? Usually, these calls, they’re a clogged toilet or a leaky u-bend under the sink. Trust me, this is better. Those are a lot cheaper to fix.”

And you say, “I’m sure they are, but I’m telling you, my basement is flooded. I’m looking down the stairs and I can see the water.”

“I’m just saying, there are other things it could be. It won’t hurt anything to eliminate them first,” the plumber says.

And you say, “But I need my basement fixed! Look, I can’t go down in my basement and do laundry right now, and I have important keepsakes down there in boxes… some of them are already ruined, but maybe I can salvage some if we can just fix the problem.”

“Well, then it will be in your interest for me to check your toilets and your u-bends,” the plumber says.

“The problem is not in my toilets or my sinks,” you say. “I am looking at the problem. I called you because my basement is flooded, and I need you to help me fix that.”

And then… now, I’m not assuming you’re female, but I just want to emphasize that this is a starkly though not exclusively gendered phenomenon, so if you’re not female then imagine you are.

“MA’AM,” the plumber says, in a way you recognize. It’s the voice of putting you in your place, the voice of unearned authority, and with this voice, this word, ma’am, is not a title of respect, it’s a reminder and a command. “MA’AM, if you’ll just calm down. I’m sure what you’re experiencing seems terrible to you, but the truth is, it’s probably not as bad as it looks from where you’re standing. And that’s a good thing! Trust me, have been a plumber for 27 years. Now, when can I come over to check your u-bends?”

“It’s not my u-bends!” you say.

“Ma’am, if you don’t want to be helped, I’ll start to think you’re calling for attention.”

You see?

(Now for bonus points, imagine the plumber refuses to help you until you lose a statistically improbable amount of weight just to rule out that this might be flooding your basement, or is acting on the subconscious but deeply entrenched idea that people with your skin color are less susceptible to flooding and in less need of help, or believes that as a feeeemale you’re more likely to be suffering from emotional distress than a physical problem and suggests the preferable course of action would be for you to take a nap every time the supposed flooding in your basement bothers you.)

As I said in that post, pain and fatigue — like dysphoria — are qualitative experiences. This means they happen in your head and they cannot be directly observed or measured by anyone else (which would make them quantitative phenomena). 

The doctor talking to you about dysphoria —or pain or fatigue — is not a plumber in your house, they are a plumber on the phone. The only input they receive about the problem is your account of it. 

I have osteoarthritis (literally, inflammation in a joint due to bone rubbing against bone, which also causes the formation of bone spurs) because I am Knock-Kneed or Duck-Kneed; this means that my kneecaps, instead of sitting in the correct place on top of the joint, are sitting off of center and turned inward (like they are trying to face each other). The solution that keeps getting thrown in my face? Lose weight.

Even according to specialists who know exactly what the problem REALLY is and how to truly fix it, their “solution” is that losing weight will somehow magically alleviate my knee pain. The kicker in all of this is that, even though every single doctor and specialist I have seen (except for one urgent care doctor who literally has the exact same condition, but a completely different body type) has given me this advice they have all also said that losing weight is not guaranteed to stop the knee pain- just that it SHOULD help.

Now, I understand (to a degree) why they do not want to perform the surgery which will correct the actual problem - the placement of the kneecaps - but even though I have told them that I am willing to deal with the risks and potential complications, they still refuse to perform the surgery. I have health insurance that I pay for, I have never missed a payment, and I have literally been insured with this company since I was in utero… and I am still being denied a medical procedure that both they and I know WILL happen at some point. But until then, I’m supposed to shut up and lose weight - in spite of medication I have to take that is infamous for making you gain weight, in spite of genetics that make it difficult for me to maintain weight loss, in spite of a documented history of inability to maintain weight loss, and in spite of psychiatric directives to not prescribe weight loss. My psychiatrist has literally told them “do not bring up weight loss, as the patient has had depressive/suicidal episodes linked to issues with her weight”, but they keep bringing it up as the panacea for what ails me.

my wife is back