063021. journaling + getting into some small embroidery projects, maybe?

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@punchthemind
063021. journaling + getting into some small embroidery projects, maybe?

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Here comes the Study Season.
Current desk set-up. Been keeping myself entertained with gaming and journaling. My acads is still a mess. I recently bought GTA V and 10 year old me playing GTA San Andreas on computer shops is very happy. My thoughts are mostly a mess too. Itâs a meh phase now that my 2nd Sem is here already.
I think one problem of romanticizing everything in life is that it leaves you very indecisive and not knowing what to do with your life.
Because now I want to study history and languages and mathematics and physics and philosophy and engineering and I want to be everything and that desire is so overwhelming that it leaves me unable to do anything at all.
So I just sit there on the floor with my abundance of dreams and my third existential crisis this month bot not knowing what to do.
I felt that. And I am not sure if I should be relieved or terrified about the fact that people like me exist.
tw warning:Â existential crisis
wanting to study while having an existential crisis is so fucking hard like,
I want to catch up with things but all of a sudden my brain is like ââwhat if you die tomorrow? maybe you wonât even get to see your twenties? who knows?? not me lol.ââ so I just sit there, think about nothing but piano melodies for hours.

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me:I should take notes on biology
also me:but,, I am pretty behind on physics
still me:I will fucking fail chemistry if I donât start right now
me:oh, I just remembered that I still didnât start subjects from last year (that I missed because of covid)
still me: the exams are coming I should do history
me: but what about-
also me: SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP. You have to go to work in a few hours what the fuck do you think you are doing.
Twilight and Shadow
April 10th 2021
I lay down and think.
Think of all the characters iâve created.
Think of all the stories iâve imagined.
An entire universe iâve created.
I did that.
I made that.
I fantasize about being a famous author.
That one day people will read and listen to the stories I have to tell.
Itâs a wonderous thing to imagine. To fantasize. To believe.
But itâs a monstrous thing to live in fantasy.
ââBut itâs a monstrous thing to live in fantasy.ââ
fuck this shit, let's learn Latin and summon demons

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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âSuccess doesnât happen overnight. Keep your eyes on the prize and donât look backâ
âErin Andrews
Day ??/100
A beautiful playlistÂ
How long it has been? A week or something? I am dropping this challenge!! And I am pretty happy about it.Â
Because people in this challenge study a lot and I donât. I work at a part-time job, I do all the house chores, I go to school and study one (1) subject for at least three (3) days. But I didnât really include half of those in my âproductivity challengeâ posts because they are just a part of my every-day life, and I am pretty used to them.
And this makes me feel bad, so I am dropping this challenge but will try to be more active!Â
my coffee isnât workiinnngggggggggggg  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i wanna sleeep but i wanna studyyyy ughhghghghghghghgg
 Day 6/100
Just wanted to share my favorite Tsukishima photo. XD
So today (Actually yesterday, Itâs currently 6AM here) I have done:
Reviewed biologyÂ
Took Religion Culture notes (itâs literally half of the book wtf..)Â
Researched the Ulnar Nerve âcause I was bored
GODDAMMIT WHY CAN I NOT JUST FALL IN LOVE AND STUDY WITH YOU IN A SUNLIT CORNER OF THE CAMPUS LIBRARY WHY CAN I NOT BUY U COFFEE WHY CAN I NOT PEPPER UR FACE IN KISSES WHY CAN WE NOT GAZE AT THE STARS AND TELL THE MOON SHEâS PRETTY WHAT THE FUCK
I felt that

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I donât know if anyone else does this but...
Sometimes when Iâm unmotivated, I imagine Iâm in a productivity YouTube video...
âAnd then I turn off my phone and put it across the room so I wonât get distractedâ
âAnd then I open my textbook and start reading the chapter and taking notesâ
Which is really just me trying to get myself to do the things I need to.
And then I get into the tips...
âAnd remember, itâs okay if your notes donât look pretty, what matters is that they work for youâ
âAnd even if you get overwhelmed, just take a breath and center yourselfâ
Which is really just me trying to calm myself down and focus.
And Iâll do this for anything and everything, not just studying. Like cleaning, getting ready, my morning and night routines, cooking, etc.
I always feel kinda wierd about it after the fact, but I mean it helps...
Im just wondering if anyone else does this?
I do this too!Â
When I am doing something important to me (studying, languages, politics, mental health & pretty much everything), I pretend I am in a YouTube video.Â
I even talk aloud and look at random places that I imagine the camera would be.Â
It is like talking to myself but when that random thoughts/questions pop in my head I pretend like it is a subscriber and try to explain it w/my best. Or make a note about researching it âcause my subscribers are important to me. :â)
And the best thing about this is, it actually works! (for me, at least)
I am;
Feeling so much more confident with what I wear because of my âVideoâ about ââClothes, Body Types, Beauty and some more Crapââ
Talking more because ââAllowing yourself to get rejected is so fun, palââ
Actually Studying because ââPomodoro, Feynman, Space Repetition and some more stuffââ & ââThat's a shit ton of work, but well you gotta start from somewhere, right?ââ
And moree, so I love this.
Day 3,4,5/100
I love him. <3
Heyyo! I donât know what to say about not posting for three days (about this challenge), but I was being productive!! The reason why I wasnât posting was because I was studying around 00.00-07.00 AM and I didnât know how to say what I have done/studied. But I canât continue this study âcause I have school tomorrow. (-,-)
Yeah, whatever. Here are the things I did in the last three days:
Took almost all of my biology notes (from 79 pages & 5 and half an hour of videos)
Did some Gothic Calligraphy for fun
Did my English homework
Breathe?? Got some sleep???
Yup, I didnât do much, but I swear I am trying. And I will work harder. But right now I just need to finish my bio notes and sleep.
Have a great day/night!