Here are some jokes that I submitted to The Onion recently. They're not all "great," but maybe some of them are funny. I think some of them are funny.
Remember: You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time, and there's nothing the devil hates more than being mocked.
--------- Headlines ----------
Area Woman Publicly Flaunts Sexuality Shortly After Divorcing Me Please Come Back Sharon Iâve Changed
Donald Trump Jr. Agrees To Keep Local Youth Center Open If Area Nerd Beats Him In Ski Race
Cheesecake Factory Adds 666th Item To Menu, Completes âBlood Sealâ Needed To Release The Ancient Ones
Friends Of Local White Man Still Unsure If âPrinceâ Halloween Costume Was Racist
Man Fired From Calendar Factory After Taking Several Days Off
Homophobic Grandmother Insists Local Florist Is âOne Of The Good Onesâ
Area Man Puts Roommate In Awkward Position As Significant
Other Basically Moves In For Fuckâs Sake
Study: Most Nazis Historically Bad With Grammar
Scientists Are Now Making The Bold Claim That You Actually
Are Worthless Without Your Morning Coffee, Karen
Dad Excitedly Adds âThe Sharkâ After Hearing Report That
Women's Cancer Deaths Could Jump
Area Man Signs Up For Male Birth Control In Act Of Morbid Optimism
Police Deploy Pepper Spray Amid Clash With Bland Tacos
Friendless Hag Reports That Most People Too Dumb To
Understand Sarcasm
Man Accidentally Likes Ex Girlfriends Selfie, Moves To Different City
Local Boy Convincingly Pretends Not To Notice Money While Reading Birthday Card
Area Stepdad Tries To Tell Stepson What To Do, Is Not Stepsonâs Real Dad
Ghost Of Julius Caesar Disappointed Itâs Not âCaesar Pizzaâ
Study Finds Rorschach Test Really Is Just Pictures Of Your Parents Fucking
Report: Exaggerations Rose By One Trillion Percent Last Month
Acclaimed Professor Admits That Poor Knowledge of Greek Mythology Is His Achilles' Wrist
Drinking Energy Drinks Has Been Linked To Serious Liver Damage, Say Virgins
Area Social Justice Warrior Finally Befriends A Gay
Insufferable Friend Refuses To Order Guacamole In American Accent
Tea Drinking Homosexual Claims He Likes His Coffee Like He Likes His Women
Divorced Dad Suspiciously Optimistic About New Apartment
-- Briefs --
Area Woman Publicly Flaunts Sexuality Shortly After Divorcing Me Please Come Back Sharon Iâve Changed
CHATTANOOGA, TN â Walking around as if she were a mid-tier sex worker, Sharon Blacksmith (formerly Sharon Fisher) was seen wearing an inappropriately short dress with plunging neckline at the Hamilton County Applebeeâs, sources reported Friday. âIâve never been with a younger man,â said Blacksmith, adding that she was interested in riding a purebred buck until the break of dawn. Several eyewitnesses observed Blacksmith drink between three and five Applebeeâs Signature Appletinis, even though she claimed that alcohol âupset her stomachâ last Christmas. Blacksmith, a notorious liar and known hypocrite, allegedly left Applebeeâs with a young man in his mid-twenties, last seen wearing a diamond-studded earring and hemp necklace. Blacksmithâs whereabouts are still unknown, even though her ex-husband has started exercising, taking night classes, and doing the dishes on a regular basis.
Donald Trump Jr. Agrees To Keep Local Youth Center Open If Area Nerd Beats Him In Ski Race
EVERGREEN, CO â A local high school student interrupted a town hall meeting on Thursday to publicly challenge Donald Trump Jr. to a ski race down the K-12. Trump recently purchased both the town hall and the local youth center and had called the meeting to announce his plans to demolish both properties. âI donât know who the kid was, but he definitely didnât look like an athlete,â said Evergreen High School Vice Principal Dewey Hoppenstein, adding that the student in question was wearing a calculator watch and high-waisted pants. It is reported that Trump agreed to the race after some light name calling, and later promised to keep the local youth center open if he loses. This promise was only made, however, after the mysterious student called Trump a âbutt chugging dick nose.â The race is scheduled for 11 a.m. Saturday, and is currently open to the public.
Homophobic Grandmother Insists Local Florist Is âOne Of The Good Onesâ
HUNTSVILLE, AL â A video of noted homophobe and outspoken flat-earther, Florence Buxton, was posted on Snapchat last Tuesday. The video was allegedly filmed and uploaded by her grandson, Skylar Griggs. In the video, Buxton is seen defending local florist Dominique Hernandez, exclaiming that Hernandez is âone of the good ones.â From off camera a young male voice asks âwhat do you mean, âgood onesâ?â to which Buxton replies: âYou know, one of them godless pole squatters.â Buxton released a statement on Facebook following the videoâs viral publication, in which she claims that â...While I disagree with Obamacare forcing the gays to marry, I certainly wouldnât mind it as much if all the gays were as polite, clean, and well dressed as my good friend Dominique.â After several requests for an interview, Mr. Hernandez declined to comment.
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