BE GOOD OR BE GOOD AT IT

To all my green eyed girls

I can’t eat.

All I do is think. Worry. Ruminate. Get stuck in eternal thought loops.

I know where I really belong. But I also want to try something entirely different.

I can’t do it. I could totally do it.

I have no idea what I want to sign up for. I’d be good at it.

People pity me. I pity myself.

I don’t give myself enough credit. I think too highly of myself.

On and on and on it goes. And it all ends up with me being so overwhelmed I finally tire myself out and won’t get anything done anyways. Because I can’t do it.

And I realise it’s five in the morning (again), I’m still awake and a loser (again, still.)

Today, I felt inadequate because of my hobbies. I’d just finished sewing a dress, and I’d had a lovely time making it, finally feeling like I’m not just rotting away on my phone.

And then it hit me out of nowhere. I’m such a bore, so lame for staying inside with my crafts and books and cooking. How unfeminist of me with hobbies like this. No wonder I’m so stuck all the time.

Jesus christ. Like who in their right mind even thinks like that? Me, apparently. I made a nice thing and it made me happy, then I ruin it immediately because I have an absurd need to make myself feel like shit.

I’m so tired of being like this. What do I even expect from myself at this point? I’m never good enough. Either I’m lazy and a piece of shit for not doing any of the creative things, or I’m stupid and a different type of shit for finally doing something.

It’s that time of the year again. Freezing my ass off 90% of the time but the other 10% feel like being hugged by a weighted blanket.

My dear sestra gave me this Morgenshtern T-shirt and it’s my favorite. I sleep in it, I pogo in it, I’m anxious when it’s in the wash. It collects cat hair like nothing else and I still love it so.

I’ve listened to CORPSE on repeat for 10 hours and the battery on my speaker is running out. I don’t know where the charger is.

I miss my Tumblr best friend/crush/eternal wanderer/flimflam man. It’s still so eerie that we even met in person, it feels like a dream.

I also miss my friend who went to South Africa to visit family. I miss MY family. I haven’t heard back from her in a while.