* O DEATH

HEADCANON  :  landlocked.

cj doesn’t cope with being cut off from the sea. 

“oh god, you’re right. and then i’m gonna hear about it from my mom for the rest of the trip. and probably up until the next time we go to el paso for a family get together.” at least it would be her talking about something good for once, and if it’s enough to distract her from the constant criticism then that’s even better. he’s halfway tempted to ask owen to do it himself–keep his dad distracted for the evening at the station, and his mom in a good mood for the rest of the week. and endearing the people he works with to her–that’s a bonus, too. the more they like the team, the more they’ll stay off his back about this career choice. 

it’s not fair to put that burden on the rest of them, and marjan mentions it almost as soon as he’s thought it. he nods. “yeah, they’re good at that.” he can’t remember the last time a family event wasn’t stressful–if it’s not him and his dad fighting, it’s his mom making passive aggressive comments, or it’s them babying chris, or treating sophia’s girls differently and leaving her and devon mad, or it’s pepa and his father. there’s always something; diaz get togethers don’t stay calm for long.

he’s a little worried about what that means for this visit.

“ how is it that your family is smaller than mine and they get into ten times the drama mine do? seriously, worst thing that ever happens at my family weekends is my aunties making passive agressive comments about my mom’s fattoush. ”  which then leads to her mom’s comments about her aunties’ brave fashion choices, and it turns into a whole thing. but that’s still way less stressful than the inter-family politics going on with the diazes. always amuses her more than anything, and helps keep the focus off her and her job and her lack of a husband. that last one is always particularly galling.

“  hey you’re…  ”  shannon pauses, stopping short on her way into the station. she’d been looking for a certain evan buckley, but hadn’t figured he’d be the first person she ran into. 

“  you’re…buck, right  ?  or do you prefer evan  ?  ”  christopher had been talking about him almost nonstop since she’d come back, and it warmed her heart to see how much her little boy loved him.  “  i’m shannon, christopher’s  –  ”  breaking off before she can even finish referring to herself as christopher’s mother, she changes course.  “  er,,,eddie’s ex-wife,  ”

there was nothing official about it yet, but they’d been separated for so long now she didn’t want to assume.  “  i just wanted to say thank you, personally, for everything you’ve done for christopher, he couldn’t wait to tell me all about you,  ”

@pulchramortis hit the ♡  

in the split second between spotting shannon and her starting to approach him, buck can’t decide if running into her at work is spectacularly good or bad luck. but he figures it has to be a good thing that they really can’t get into anything too personal within earshot of a uniquely nosy squad of firefighters and paramedics --- hen and chim are already watching from the cheap seats. 

“ uh yeah, yeah, I’m---eddie’s mentioned you. before. ”  he barely fights off a wince when that stumbles out of his mouth. doesn’t have the best implications, but there’s no correcting that now.  “ you were here at christmas, too, but we didn’t get to talk. and it’s buck. everyone calls me buck. ”  

feeling hollow isn’t his problem, not right now, but he doesn’t know how to explain that to bobby without making himself look even worse right now. how is he supposed to explain that he feels too full, overflowing with emotions he doesn’t have names for that are constantly threatening to spill over? it sounds as crazy as mandatory mental health days is making him seem, even to himself. 

“how do you–do you ever stop feeling like this? blaming yourself for everything?” he has no idea why he asks, regrets it almost immediately. he doesn’t want to force bobby into talking about his family, and especially doesn’t want it to seem like he thinks he’s at fault for any of it; if someone asked him if he still blamed himself for shannon, for afghanistan, for so many things that have happened with the 118, he’d be pissed. he just hopes bobby doesn’t take it that way. “i–yeah. chris’ll be happy i’ve got some time off.” he’s probably the only one who’s going to be happy about it. god knows that eddie still isn’t, and he doubts that’s going to be changing anytime soon. god knows how many days with no jobs to lose himself in, nothing to throw his all into to distract himself, left alone with his thoughts… he has no idea how he’s going to feel by the end of this. he has no idea how he feels right now. 

“ ...not in my experience, no. ”  it’s not quite letting go, what bobby’s done. not quite forgiving himself --- he’ll never forgive himself. not really. but he’s learned to live with it. to not let it overwhelm him, sweep his feet out from under him and drown him in crushing, oppressive guilt. there are some days where he still wants... well. he has his bad days. but they’re far and certainly fewer between, now that he’s got something to really live for again. now that he hasn’t set himself a time limit. now that he wants to spend the rest of his life with athena grant, or as long as she’ll let him, at least.

        she’s right, he can’t help but snicker when she says it, even if he’s really laughing at his own expense. that amusement softens into a bit of a warmer smile, just because it’s nice to hear; she worries about him. even with that addition, which he doesn’t actually doubt, she’s too good not to worry about those under her care, he knows she really worries about him. he doubts he’s very fun to fret over, too, knows he can probably leave someone bedridden like that if he were particularly reckless. he’s appreciative of her wanting him in one piece, the way the rest of kingsman does, but it’s deeper than that inherent camaraderie with her.

        ❝ got more dumb luck than anyone else can say, ❞  he agrees, like they don’t both know it is entirely skill and he’s as suited for this all as anyone can be. it takes an extraordinary amount of hard work that he puts in every day. he plays just as hard too, wonders if maybe he and ness can get up to a night of trouble. it’s been too peaceful lately. well, peaceful in the way that he’s in constant need of something to do, especially when he’s feeling celebratory. a minor bullet wound is a cause for celebration.

        he was only lightly shot; it’s hardly an issue.

        ❝ death ain’t ready for me. ❞

“ certainly couldn’t handle you, ”  she’s quick to agree, the fondness in the words surprising even her. she’s never been particularly fond of all that many agents before. percival’s pleasant enough to work with, but she’s never sat down and had a conversation with the man that was more indepth than london’s persistently miserable, overcast weather. and lancelot had been an alright bloke, had insisted she call him james outside of the confines of an assignment. he’d winked at her whenever he knew she was watching the camera feed. it’s made missing him all the harder. 

—  poseidon  &  athena

oh, sweet child of the sea and law !  your father guards the borders of the sea, and your mother crowned of wisdom and war.  a life of greatness stands before you dictated by emotion, balanced thought, and logic.  no man can tell you what realm you preside over, but look to themes of rivalry and ports as you grow into your power.