rye

Got so sick earlier, I managed to pull myself out of the bathtub and record on time, but I did get my phone a little wet.

i ate some strawberry oatmeal and a banana for dinner, but it wasn't sitting right, and was making me so nauseous. i just wanted it to go away, so i drank water to make it come up easier. i have several more recordings from tonight... if this does well.

I was in bed, woke up early with the fear and started scrolling and trying to ignore the queasy feeling growing in my stomach. But, every smell and sound was soo intense, someone outside was mowing the lawn and the scent of freshly cut grass even turned my stomach.

I had the TV on too, and zoned out while I wrapped myself around a pillow. I could feel the pressure building in my stomach, bringing up whatever was left of pints and wine (why did I mix drinks? why did I smoke so much?). I had just hit record to complain about my queasy belly when my mouth started to water, and a sour taste overwhelmed me.

I pulled the bag open as quickly as I could, struggling with my gags getting more and more productive. The first time I gagged for real, a tiny, spitty gush of vomit landed on my arm as I tried to get the bag under my mouth in time (that little “oh”).

After the first gag, it started to come up more easily. I was half- sat up in bed, pillow still bunched between my legs, so it took some effort to get everything up from that position…. But it felt really good to ride the pillow while I brought up little hot mouthfuls of sick. I knew I wasn’t done yet, but I needed a break. I laid there and drifted into a weird fitful nap still holding the bag.

Last night when I was perusing tumblr I was a little surprised when I came across some emeto audios (I'm new here, lol). As it turns out, I had this saved recording of myself throwing up from a few months ago when I had a bout of the flu. I recorded it just for me to go back and listen to, never with the intention of anyone else hearing it. I thought I was totally weird for recording it.

Coming across those audios last night made me feel less alone. Clearly other people have recorded themselves getting ill too. I'm glad we can be weird together 😅 and I've decided to post mine (it took me a hot minute to figure out how)!

For context, I live by myself and pretty far from family, so I was on my own. I had been running a decently high fever the past two days and fighting some chest congestion. The stomach stuff started the morning of this recording: just really bad nausea and cramping. At the time of this audio, I was freezing and too weak to move to the toilet so what you hear is me leaning over the edge of my bed to throw up into a rubbish bin.

“But there are dark, untouched corners within all of us. Sex can be very exciting in one moment and barely tepid the next. It can feel like love but not be love. It can feel like possession and then the person walks away. You can’t possess another person. You can’t make another person not die. If nothing else, at least my vomit fetish is mine. It’s mine and it’s real.”

I want a meal twice the size of anything I could eat.

I want soft encouraging messages to keep going. I want tummy rubs when my stomach is too full and forks with encouraging bites held up to my lips.

I want a rumbly tummy and slow nauseous burps.

I want a hand gripping that stomach, soothing it softly, and surprising it with pressure.

I want the “Oh no” rush of needing to get sick, and I want encouragement as someone else has a plan.

I want to be lead to a bathroom, or given a bin, or held closer.

I want encouragement whispered into my ears.

I want to feel that meal, the rock in my gut slowly wear away at my stomach until it has no choice but to contract.

I want to loose control and get sick, let my body take over as I heave and retch and force waves and waves of sick out of me.

I want to piss myself a little as it happens.

I want a gentle hand to cup my chin and push a finger back in my throat to get the last of it out.